OxyButNotaMoron

Contradiction is my style

Searching For A Job Search

I started planning this a few hours ago when I wasn’t near any type of paper or anything that I could use to write, so it might feel a bit choppy. But I will say that no, I am not currently looking for a job. I enjoy working in the theater. This is about my future.

Yo yo yo yo! (No, I don’t know why I feel the need to start off these posts with some sort of greeting; I just do)

Something that has bothered me for a while is the fact that whenever I think of a potential career option my parents aren’t very supportive of it.

Back in junior and senior year of high school I was going through the normal internal panic that many students face when thinking about college. I had no idea what I was going to study or where I would go to college. My dream since eighth grade has been to be a sound engineer in a recording studio. My parents got it drilled into my mind that a job within the music industry would not be very lucrative and I wouldn’t be happy. So I started looking into different things. But time and time again my parents would shoot down any of my suggestions. Basically, if I wasn’t going into accounting (because I was supposedly decent at math in high school?) my dad wouldn’t be happy and if I wasn’t going into nursing my mom wouldn’t be happy (because I was good at science–or pretended I was–in high school and I liked helping people). The librarian at my high school suggested I study funeral planning because she knew I like horror movies and heavy metal and such. Of course my parents shot this down as well, saying it was too weird despite me trying to tell them I would always have business (kinda scary thought but it’s true). From there I looked up majors similar to funeral planning and somehow found forensic science. Again, my parents weren’t supportive of this but senior year and college applications were rapidly approaching and I needed something. I figured I would do forensic science as my main job and recording on the side. I do remember though filling out some “find a college now” type website and putting audio engineering like I wanted and they called my house a few months after I submitted all my applications and chose my current school and my mom wondered why people we calling me about that. Anyway, that part in italics was a sidenote. I needed something to chose and so I kept pestering my parents to let me study forensic science. It took a long time but they caved. This decision even disappointed my guidance counselor in a meeting to talk about colleges; she knew I wanted to study audio engineering and had already looked into schools for me to apply for that. When I told her I was going to study forensic science she, in her normal fashion where she didn’t actually mean it, scolded me for having her do all that work for nothing.

When I was applying to schools they told me to apply to the local community college and start there incase forensic science didn’t work out. Because I appeased their wishes I couldn’t apply to the Macaulay Honors Program (not too disappointed in that but if I had the same success getting into that as I did getting into all 9 schools I applied to, I’d be going to college for free). When I got into John Jay (the very last school to send their acceptance letter) I told them that I was going there. They still tried to convince me to start at the community college but I wasn’t having it.

Incase you’re new here or you forgot, forensic science lasted about two months and then I switched to my current major, criminology (but I still had to finish my first semester science classes).

Imma stop talking about me for a second and talk about my brother. When he was in college, he switched majors twice. He went into SUNY Cortland to study exercise science to be a physical therapist. That didn’t pan out well. He did horribly in his science classes (worse than I did) but I believe he stayed in it for a full year because my dad would not let him change his major. They had a discussion (where my dad was extremely angry and disappointed in my brother) where my dad eventually agreed to let him change his major. My brother apparently wanted to switch to Fitness Development but my dad wasn’t having any of that. He made my brother switch to business; the major my dad studied in college. He assumed that my brother would have no problem finding a job post college in that major–he was probably completely unaware of the fact that business is the most common major for college students. My brother stayed in the major for a bit but in junior year he pretty much fell into a depression. That year my dad made him become an RA (where my brother got stuck in a freshman dorm). That was an extremely stressful job and topping it with a major that he hated, he had no motivation to do anything. His girlfriend told me that he would just lay on his bed in his room for hours in darkness and wouldn’t want to go out. He even got below a 2.0 GPA for a semester (like the semester GPA, not his overall) during this time. He eventually switched his major to communications, almost causing World War III when my dad found out my brother turned his back on him with business. My brother was able to finish communications very fast and graduated on time. My dad gave my brother some time after college to relax but when he decided it was time, he immediately started forcing my brother to find a job and take all the civil service exams that came up. My brother eventually got a retail job at Under Armor in the city. My brother hates the city. My brother hates commuting. My brother hates the people of New York. My brother hates New York in general. He worked at this job for almost two years. During that time he wanted to sign up for the Army Rangers and was going to until his girlfriend talked him out of it. He never gave up his dream of the military though. Apparently one day, almost a year and a half later, my dad and him had a talk where my dad finally apologized for not letting my brother study what he wanted in college. During this discussion my brother said he was thinking of going back to get a masters in the fitness development program (or something extremely similar). This was good news to my dad. However, that plan didn’t go through because my brother instead went to a Marine recruiter and signed up. He is now in bootcamp (and I really gotta write him a letter). My parents weren’t thrilled at all to hear this but there was nothing they could do. Now they are proud of him and claim to have always supported his dreams and goals. Good thing they were already patriotic, or else who knows what would have happened.

Anyway, back to me (wooo narcissism!) I don’t remember what I wrote in my first post about switching my major (cause that was over two years ago or something and I am sure none of you really remember my exact wording either). But when I first told my dad I wasn’t enjoying forensic science and wanted to switch he got beyond pissed off. After making me cry and telling me I was to stay in science, I didn’t have the guts to tell him that I had already put in the paperwork to officially switch earlier that week. I didn’t tell him until after the semester ended and I told him through a four page long letter with very little emotion but tons of straight up facts as to why this was the best decision for me. He accepted it and finally after months of unbearable tension and silence the house was calm again.

Because of what happened with my brother I knew that criminology had to be the major I graduated with. (Also sidenote, one of my friends in the honors program switched from forensic psychology to fire science and the director of the program told him not to switch again so that also added to my fear that has kept me trapped in my major). In the beginning I thought I was going to be part of the FBI and eventually become a special agent. Well during this past election I saw just how easily the FBI could be corrupted and I also realized that the high stress of law enforcement–or the dull, mind-numbing idea of working a desk job as some analyst or some shit–did not excite me. I lost all interest in working for the FBI; I didn’t even apply to the FBI summer internship for a second time and this of course angered my dad when he found out. So for the past few months I have been in limbo, struggling to think of a career path. To top it off, my 300 level classes in my major made me realize I actually do not give a shit about what I am studying. So basically, college has become what my religion teacher in high said it was for some people, prolonged adolescence. I am basically taking a seat away from someone else who actually (for some reason) wants to study criminology at John Jay.

A couple of months ago I was thinking and I considered social work as a career path. I looked into it and saw that there are some social workers who focus in military families and veterans. I would like that. I have yet to meet a veteran or military personal who I do not like and if I could give back to those people in anyway, I would. However, social work requires you to have a masters degree and take a test to become licensed. I never had any desire in continuing my education past a bachelors (hell, if I am being honest I didn’t even want to do THAT in the first place). Everyone who I have told about this idea, including my parents, have said that social work is a thankless job, very high stress, and low pay. Thanks. Back to the chopping block.

The other day I was thinking security. And I even brought it a step further and thought if I become a security guard in a public school I will technically be working a salary job for the state. Therefore, I should get the benefits from the federal government that my parents oh so want me to get. However, when I told my mom this in the car this morning, she said that it is not a safe job and I should look elsewhere. She suggested being a crossing guard because according to her the job is easy. Thanks.

My piano teacher suggested I go to Baruch for a masters in arts management. I looked at the courses that I would have to take for that and by the names they just sound so much more interesting than anything in criminology (then again, I chose criminology because the course names of like 5-6 classes sounded cool, not that I got a chance to take all of them because I had to take different classes to fill the same requirements of the cool classes due to certain restraints). However, I just know my parents would say “what could you ever do with that?” so I am not even going to bother with this because if they don’t support it, I doubt they will want to support my financial costs.

Thinking further, basically any job that I would get if I were to actually work in something related to my godforsaken major will be unsafe and/or underpaid. If not, then it’s some federal job with high security checks and hoops to go through in applying and extremely competitive. I am at a loss.

Despite all the friends I made and things I have achieved at my college, if I were given the chance to go back to senior year and apply to different schools I am 90% sure I would take it. I would say fuck my parents’ thoughts, I am studying music. It took almost three years for my dad to even understand and accept that I am minoring in music. But honestly, I think I would be so much happier academic-wise if I were majoring in my dream. I just found a YouTube channel today by some guy who has a masters in music composition and just hearing him talk about music theory made me ecstatic. I wish I could understand it more but I never had any advanced classes in music theory (thanks to my school solely focusing on criminal justice, which is cool but still very limiting). I really want to make the time to teach myself this stuff–music theory, audio programs, and new instruments. But of course I gotta focus on my career, which I don’t know if I’ll ever have.

I have to start working on my senior thesis and I am dreading it. Not because it is a big project (although that is a big portion of it), but because I cannot stand my major and I don’t care about sociological stuff (criminology is basically sociology but with a focus in crime, criminals, and the criminal justice system). My project isn’t focusing on those three things because you cannot pay to me pretend to care about prisons and prisoners at this point, but instead it is going to be about the struggled veterans face on returning home from being deployed. I only realized after making that my project that I might have a difficult time doing research because why would veterans want to talk to an undergrad about their personal issues? From what I’ve read so far they don’t always even want to talk to profession psychologists and such about that. But hopefully my capstone mentor (who I gotta email :/) can help with that. No this little rant isn’t important to the overall point of the post but it is right there with my current struggles and stressors.

So back to jobs. WTF am I going to do? Everyone always suggests ideas for me, many of which I have little-to-no interest in even researching, never mind actually doing. My parents want me in some government base where I go to work in a dress suit ever day and work in some air conditioned cubical, earning a salary and benefits from a job I care little about. Sure that’s what my dad has done for almost 30 years and even though I see how much it has helped financially, I see how miserable it makes him and how much he hates working for the court system. I never wanted to work in the courts, after all the countless time I attended Bring Your Daughter To Work Day (the judge in charge of it was a huge feminist and apparently didn’t want to deal with the sons but eventually they had to add the boys in the following day because god-forbid little boys and girls socialize together.) My dad wants me to start looking into the same civil service and court tests that he made my brother take. I’ll go through the motions but I really have no interest in getting a job as a court assistant or anything.

Another thing I want to mention is if you enjoy your major I am both so proud and envious of you. I see all my friends who are actively pursuing their dreams and I love seeing their joy when talking about classes, internships, and (for some) job opportunities they have taken. I really do hope that all of my friends (and everyone in general) end up working in a job that they love. I just wish I could do the same. Keep on building that résumé friends! I want to see you succeed in your dreams because I am pretty sure I’ll never be able to do mine.

With graduation rapidly approaching I am already experiencing the “what’s after college” questions and I honestly don’t know how to answer them anymore. I usually joke when people ask “What are you going to do after graduation?” by saying “cry” but I have a feeling that soon I won’t really be joking about that anymore. I haven’t done internships (because I always end up putting my eggs in one basket and hoping I get the one or two summer internships I apply for, but never have), I don’t know what kind of job I could do related to my major that I won’t hate everyday, I don’t know what other fields to look into that could be lucrative but also enjoyable for me, and I don’t know what kind of job I can pick that will get my parents approval. And I know that in this economy (of what little I know about economics) that I can’t just get married and move to the midwest as I also commonly joke. Maybe one day I’ll figure something out.

Your friend,
Lost in a pile of cutout classifieds

A Swing and A Miss

I swear, every time I go to write a new post the website has changed the layout that I see while I am typing what you’re now reading…

Anywho, Hey peeps!

So this is a bit of a continuation from the last post. If you recall, the second to last guy that I mentioned didn’t really have an end to the story. He was just there and I had hopes for something. So let’s talk about that.

Despite how proud of myself I was at the time I wrote the last post about finally trying to be myself and not focused on guys, it didn’t last. That one guy (pretty sure I called him Mr. Attractive at some point in his paragraph) started coming to the Honors Lounge more and more often. Being that the lounge is the only place I hang out with friends on campus, this meant I started seeing him around more. Now I tried to just ignore him. Forget about it all. I wanted to lose feelings for any guy and just coast through the rest of the semester on my own. But being around him more made me want to talk to him and I even found out that he did know my name after all this time. We became very slight acquaintances which was nice and I found out he was going on the summer trip this year that the honors program planned. As soon as I found that out I made a plan. I knew my mom would want me to take the railroad back home and I knew that he takes it every time he goes into the city since he lives far east. So I decided that on the day we got back from the trip that I would ask him on a date right after my train gets called (or his if it came first).

So the day of the trip comes and it is a camping trip. Overall the trip was fun and I got to spend a lot of time with my friends, which was nice but not the point of this. He was in the only cabin with guys and since my friend Dan was there too, I spent most of my time in that cabin or with them when we were actually outside (in and out of the rain). Everything was going well and I got to know this guy a little more than I had before. But of course, the trip had to end at some point.

When we get back to school I turn down my friend’s request to let her parents drive me home (considering we live about 5 minutes away from each other) and I told her I wanted to go through with my plan. She was the only one who knew what I meant if anyone else happened to hear me. We had shared a room in our cabin and spent some time both nights after we got back from the guys cabin just talking about boys (because what else do girls talk about during sleepovers? She had read my previous post so she knew everything at that point).

The guy goes into school, probably to use the bathroom, so I start walking to the subway after I say bye to my friend. I took my time and got stopped at a light and he walked up to the corner too. As we crossed the street I started talking to him and we kept some small talk going all the way to the railroad. I got my ticket and saw my train was coming in a few minutes. When it was called he said bye and I decided to not chicken out.

I said to him “Hey this is gonna sound weird but I was wondering if you wanna go out on a date sometime?” I was surprisingly not shaking in my shoes for once, however my mouth was extremely dry from being nervous. He paused, as he usually does when answering a question, and said “A date? Well we could hang out but I have a girlfriend.” and that is when panic mode set in. I apologized for asking and he brushed the ordeal off saying it was cool. I said bye and scurried over to the track I had to go to. The whole train ride home I was texting my friend about what just happened.

This was yesterday. Right now I just feel like an ass. I wish I could be proud of myself for taking a risk and doing something ballsy for once, but really I just feel gross. No doubt he told his girl that some other chick tried to ask him on a date and I am probably being made a fool of in her group chat with her friends or something. I hope that this doesn’t cause tension or anything between the two of them cause that is the last thing I would ever want to happen with anyone that I know. I have no intent on adding him on any social media platform and I doubt I’ll see him around school until the fall semester starts (at the end of August) so I figure by then this will be old news and we can sit in the lounge at the same time without any uncomfortable or awkward tension. I know maybe a couple of you hopeful romantics are thinking “Aw Michelle, don’t give up! You never know what can happen between the two of them!” and to those of you I have to say please don’t say that. Even if something happens between them there is very little guarantee that he’ll decide to take me up on my offer. So now I will work on trying to not feel like an ass for much longer, and then on getting rid of any lingering feelings. No need to torture myself.

This just really sucks because, as any of you who read the previous post can see, anytime I get a crush on a guy he has/gets a girlfriend. So uhh guys if you’re tired of being single, just try your best to have me develop feelings for you and you’ll find some other chick who you’ll be in a happy relationship with shortly after.

My manager today asked me about camping and the guy cause I had previously told her about the trip and that he was going and when I told her the story she felt bad but congratulated me on trying. She also said that the right guy will come when I am not looking for anyone. Not sure when that’ll be cause I always seem to have my eye out. But I guess I am glad that I have closure on the whole thing and I won’t think about what could happen between me and him, since nothing will.

Well, as always, I am happy you decided to listen to my meaningless problems. Maybe one day I’ll have a super positive blog post but for now I will bid you adieu.

Your friend,
Who wants to kick herself in the butt

Boys Boys Boys

Back so soon, Michelle? Hell yeah. Let’s get back into this writing thing!

I, no joke, just posted my last blog, ate a handful of Cheez-Its, took a shower, and now I am back to typing.

As mentioned in my last post, there has been a topic I’ve been avoiding (as far as I can remember, I don’t think I’ve really posted about this) and that is boys and my failure of luck with them. I didn’t want to talk about this while I had my blog linked to my other social media because I don’t really like sharing my feelings about guys from a fear of rejection and ruining friendships. But now I wanna be open because it is something I want to talk about. So put on your seatbelts because it’s gonna be a hella of a ride (maybe)!

I want to start off by saying I have never kissed a boy. I have never had any type of sexual interaction with a boy. I have never been in a relationship. If you count hugs as a step in the right direction then at least I have that. I have only been on two dates (which will be explained later) and that was when I was 18 (I am turning 21 this year). However, I’ve been lucky enough to never doubt my sexuality because from an early age I knew I was attracted to boys. I always tried to like the things my brother did or other boys did because I thought that was how I would get their attention–I figured “what guy likes dolls, princesses, and make-up? If I want a boy to like me I have to like sports and monster trucks!” Which I did. I have since learned that a guy should like me for who I am and I shouldn’t alter my interests for him, but I still don’t care for dolls, make-up, or princesses.

Anywho, since I had an older brother I knew the whole “boys have cooties” was a myth. My brother was clean so that means all the other boys were too! This mentality lead me to having my first crush in pre-k. Don’t remember his name but it’s not important. Every school year (Pre-k, kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, etc.) I would be in a new class with new people (thanks to the overcrowding of NYC public schools) so every year I would have a new crush on a different boy. I would actually spend the first few minutes of my first day in each grade looking around the room for the cutest boy and deciding he was going to be my new crush. I would never do anything about these little crushes. I might tell my best friend of the time (each year until 6th grade where I met my actual best friend, Allison–HEY GIRL–I would have a new best friend in each class) that I liked said boy. I would become friends with him and talk to him during lunch and whenever I could, but ya girl was always too shy to make a move. A couple of these crushes I would find out some time in the school year that he liked a different girl and that would make me sad and I would stop liking him. I do remember the summer either before or after 3rd grade my family and I went on a trip to Cape Cod and in the cottage area or whatever it was that we were staying in there was a boy a year older than me that I had a crush on and my brother noticed (although he didn’t tell me until after the trip when I never saw that guy again) and teased me about it one day.

I’m gonna start my story early, in 5th grade. For some reason, people started dating at this time. We were only 10 years old! What the hell are 10 year olds gonna do? Whatever. I had a crush on one guy in my class like usual and I remember there were only 8 girls and 16 guys in this class by the end of the school year. I, as usual, told the girl who I considered my best friend that I liked said guy. She would tease me about it and claim that she was gonna tell him, which scared me more than anything. I ended up also telling another girl in my class about it. About a week later she told me that she had started to develop a crush on him too, which made me mad but I tried to keep that in. By the time the school year was coming to an end apparently my “best friend” had told the other girls in the class about it and they would question me. We had a 5th grade prom (now this was before I was the crazy, dancing queen party animal that I am now so I sat down the entire time, refusing the dance because “dancing is stupid”) and I remember the girl who said she was also getting feelings for my crush wanted to go with him but I didn’t want her to. My “best friend” on the day of the prom when we were all taking pictures in the classroom before going to the venue tried to force me to take a photo with my crush but by that point I was just so angry with everyone that I said no. I was leaning back in my chair reading a book (cause I am a badass) and she pulled my chair down so I fell to the floor. I didn’t let that phase me. I am glad this girl is out of my life.

I move on to middle school (which overall is just misery because middle school aged tweens/teens/kids are the worst and I was way too shy in an overcrowded building). My 6th grade crush and I sit next to each other in some classes and talk sometimes but as usual only a select few people know and I never make a move. In my middle school every Valentine’s Day you can buy a teddy bear or candy for someone. Turns out my crush bought a teddy bear for some other girl in my class so that ends my feelings.

Seventh grade. This is where I started listening to metal and I was reunited with a friend from pre-k/kindergarten who is still one of my closest friends today. Anyway, in the beginning of the semester I got a crush on a new guy, as usual, and I told one girl who I thought I was friends with but then started acting a bit like my 5th grade “friend” so I stopped hanging out with her and I lied, telling her I was no longer interested in the guy. So me and the guy it takes some time but we finally become friends and this is also the time where I make a Facebook so we add each other. We start talking every day and I tell my old and dear friend about my crush (and she tells me about hers from where she went to karate) and we talk about our plans about how we’re gonna get them. So anyway, day by day things go well and I really think this guy likes me back. On the second to last day of 7th grade (which happened to both be his birthday and the day Michael Jackson died) I am walking to class with my friend and my crush is a little behind us with his friend. Down the hall comes a girl from another class who I am acquainted with and she sees my crush. She goes “Hey [boy]! Did you ask Anna out?” My heart sinks. I can’t hear his reply, luckily she is loud enough that I don’t have to. “YOU DID?!!?” And that officially end my chances with him. I go through the rest of that day and the next barely making eye contact or talking to him because I am just so hurt. I told my friend later that day what I overheard because she didn’t hear it and she was angry with me. Luckily this guy ended up transferring during 8th grade so I didn’t see him again (although sometimes when I run in the morning in the summer I think I see him in the park with his mom but I doubt he remembers me).

8th grade. My least favorite year of middle school. While there was a cute guy in my class I just wasn’t really looking for a crush this year. I did end up becoming friends with one guy in my class (who ended up coming out of the closest a year later). For the first month or so he was one of the only people in my class that I talked to because I was upset about being in that class (it was one of the remedial classes and the teachers treated us differently, especially my English teacher). Everyone in my class started making fun of me and this guy, saying that we were going out and all that. It bothered me so much. I would yell at them, saying we weren’t together, which only made the situation worse because they saw how much it bothered me. I decided to stop talking to this guy altogether and he became friends with some other girl who transferred into my class from a different class so they started making fun of the two of them. I dreaded going to school every day during 8th grade because even though the people eventually stopped teasing me, I never felt included with them and it wasn’t until the middle to end of the school year when a few people noticed I was good at tests and willing to let people cheat off me that they started being nice to me. During this time I also was going to some test prep for the Catholic high school exam and there was a kinda cute boy in my section but he was in a different class in my school and I never got to talk to him so it was a useless crush.

Now we get into high school. I am sure I have mentioned before that I went to an all-girls school so I had no chance of finding a boy there. I did go to a school dance with our brother school but again, this was before I started actually dancing at dances so I stayed off to the side with friends the entire time. I did see one guy I thought was cute but I never approached him because I was too shy.

I got my job at the library in my sophomore year of high school and there was one guy working there a couple of years older than me. From the time sheets I learned his name and being the internet savvy person I am, I found his social media and stalked it. I never talked to this guy (yeah somehow we worked together without ever having a conversation) and he eventually quit. Also during sophomore year I joined cross country and my teammates and I would oogle the guys on the boys teams but we never approached them (at least I didn’t).

The summer between sophomore year and junior year of high school I was on the computer and saw an ad for a game called Lord of Ultima. I joined and in the game you need to be part of an alliance to advance. I joined one and spent my whole summer playing this game. During the school year I stopped but I still talked to one guy from my alliance online (he found my other social media because I used the same username for everything). He was three years older than me and a really nice guy but (please, do not hate me, I cannot help this) I am just not attracted to African-American guys. I only saw him as a friend. He on the other hand fell for me. At first I thought he was just being nice but I remember one time (during my senior year actually) he direct messaged me on Twitter when he was drunk saying “what would you do if I told you I love you?” (with improper grammar due to the alcohol but that isn’t important). I was so shaken up and I had no idea how to respond. So I didn’t. I avoided Twitter for two weeks because I didn’t know how to react. He ended up messaging me on YouTube (not unusual, this was before Google bought them and the layout was different and you could actually message people and we talked often on there) basically apologizing for being direct and I apologized for being rude but I told him that I just didn’t see him that way and he understood. We stayed friends for a while but eventually drifted apart. I hope all is well for him.

During my junior year I got a new coworker at the library. I remember the first day I met him. I was so mad because I originally wasn’t supposed to be working that day and I was supposed to see Starkill in concert but something happened on tour and the venue had to change to a 21+ place, I was only 16 at the time. So I go to work, grumbling silently about how I have to miss the show and now I have to meet the new guy. The moment I see him I think “holy shit he is hot.” He introduces himself to me but being the super shy person I am it actually took a while for me to build up the courage to start talking to him at work after that. He was only a year older than me and we eventually exchanged numbers. We would text every night until the wee hours of the morning. This guys was your basic “bad boy” (or rather, Queens-based Italian douche that I later came to learn). He was a mystery and I couldn’t resist developing a big ol’ crush on him. I would be so nervous talking to him, my voice and entire body would shake and I had trouble making my thoughts into clear words. This eventually died down. We hung out once at his house; we played pool (his pool table is outside and I ended up getting 36 mosquito bites on my legs), darts in his room and then we watched tv. When I left I thought things were great. A couple weeks later I found out that he just recently dumped his girlfriend and this crushed me a bit. I realized the entire time that we were talking he had a girlfriend. I tried to get over him but the crush stayed. At least until I found out about a couple of months later that he had a new girlfriend. My window of opportunity (if there was one) was closed. It still took time for me to not have feelings towards him but I never tried anything because I know a guy with a girl is off limits. This whole situation disappointed me. I had actually Googled “how to flirt” and “how to tell if he likes you” countless times before I realized things were hopeless. I am still trying to figure it all out. But regardless, I was not disappointed to finally leave him behind when I left my job at the library. As I said, I realized that his “bad boy” nature was actually unattractive and that alls he really had was looks.

Now we get into college. I was ready to meet guys left and right and find myself a boyfriend (spoiler alert, still waiting). So on the day of freshman orientation I have to stay for a meeting with this scholarship I got into with forensic science (haha, remember those days). We were assigned seating at specific tables and there was a transfer student–a junior–at my table. We were talking and he seemed like a nice guy. He said he would offer to lend me some program that was needed for the upper level science classes. So I found him on Facebook and added him. He randomly started messaging me a couple days later and I thought nothing of it. I was talking with one of my friends from high school one night at the same time I was talking to him. He ended up saying to me that he thought my voice was sexy (which I find hard to believe because, like anyone else who has heard their voice in recordings before, I hate how my voice sounds) and asked me out. I wasn’t particularly interested in him so I asked my friend in the middle of our conversation “HOLY SHIT BIANCA A BOY JUST ASKED ME OUT WHAT DO I DO?!?!?” And she told me to say yes and see how it goes, so I did. Now during the first week of class I was super busy with forensic science meetings, cross country/student athlete meetings, and honors classes that I didn’t have much time to message him back and he thought I was ignoring him. I ended up saying to him one day on Facebook “I’ve been really busy and I don’t know when I’ll be able to go on this date.” and he told me it was all right because he was talking to a girl in the dorm across from him. My friends were actually angrier than I was at this. Since I wasn’t particularly interested in him I was glad he found someone else to be with and I was able to go by without stressing. They eventually broke up and he asked me out again as a rebound that same week but I ignored the text because I am not a rebound.

I would see some cute guys around often but they weren’t guys I was close to or they ended up getting girlfriends which made them off limits. Around November I met a guy a year ahead of me in the Macaulay program at my school. We started talking and since he was so nice (and since this was when I was still into metal-looking guys with long hair) I thought I had feelings for him. He asked me out and I accepted. On the first date we went to a diner next to school and it was a total drag. Either he would reuse the same exact conversation points we had on Facebook, or he would say weird stuff. He didn’t have much table manners (talking with food in his mouth and such) and whenever I did try to make conversation or tell a joke he would have no response (not joking, he would be totally silent). We walked through Central but at some point I had to call it done and go home. My mom encouraged me to go on another date so I did. This time we went to the movies. We got there an hour before the movie he wanted to see so we sat and waited. Again, whenever I tried to make conversation he would have no responses. I was actually happy when the movie started (even though it sucked) because we at least had a reason to not talk. We actually had a conversation about the weather during our hour wait (it was snowing if you are curious). When I got home I decided that I did not want to go out again with him. I ended up ghosting him which made me feel like a bitch because, lets face it, it is a bitchy thing to do and he did not deserve that. If I were to change one thing about my college experience it’s that  I would have told him somehow that I was no longer interested.

During my second semester freshman year I had a couple of classes with cute guys (my economics class had an actual male-model until he decided to drop the course). In my sociology 101 class I sat next to the cutest guy in the class and we would talk sometimes but I eventually learned he wasn’t interested. In my music class there was a guy who sat in the back of the room that I eventually stated talking to and I helped him on our take home final. He was from the country Georgia (funny enough, so was the sociology guy) and he was in America for seven years at that time by himself so I knew he was much older than me. He seemed interested but I was wary about the age gap that after the semester ended we didn’t talk again.

In between freshman and sophomore year of college my best friend introduced me to a game called Town of Salem. I played it often (and still do time to time). On there I met another guy. We ended up talking a lot and exchanged numbers. We talked every day and when we added each other on Facebook both of us admitted to finding the other cute. This guy was a frat bro that vaped but he was smart too, he was in college for mechanical engineering. I was sad that he lived states away in Delaware but we still talked often and neither of us could understand how the other was never in a relationship. However, when the school year started he ended up ghosting me (karma is real people). We talked again briefly towards the end of the semester but that was when the whole problem with my professor was at its peak that I think I spooked him away when I vented to him about her. I remember texting him one day and he did the whole “new phone who dis” thing and when I told him who I was he said he’d text me back later cause he was busy. If I cared I’d say I am still waiting for that text. He either deleted his own Facebook or blocked me. And recently I noticed he deleted me as a friend on Town of Salem. Ah well, he vaped so no big loss.

Around the time that that guy ghosted me was when cross country started again and I had a new teammate on the men’s team. He was nice and a good runner. I tried flirting with him from the start and it seemed like he was flirting back with me. Even a couple of my teammates noticed. However, it turned out he had a girlfriend. But, for the first time, I tried to not let that stop me and I kept flirting for a bit. Eventually though I realized that was stupid so I stopped. He and his girl eventually broke up but I was over him at that point.

Also, on one of the first days of classes the honors program had a welcome back lunch. At this event all new and returning honors students were welcome. I was seated at a table with my friends and into the room walks in an extremely attractive guy. By the time he came into the room there were no more seats and I was tempted to call him over but I didn’t because 1. I had no idea who he was, 2. I am shy as all hell, and 3. I didn’t want my friends to be like “wtf Michelle.” I ended up not seeing him again until December (after I got over my teammate) at an ice-skating cultural event. I was there with my friend but at some point my friend started skating around and helping others get over their fear of the ice (cause he could skate) so I caught up with Mr. Attractive and he seemed chill. It turns out we have the same political views (rare in my school). But I didn’t introduce myself because I knew his name already (the honors program has a wall with all our names and pictures on plaques). I didn’t see him again until the spring semester started and I of course stalked his social media. I told my friends I had a crush on him and they tried to encourage me to talk to him but none of them helped like they claimed they would. Whenever i did talk to him he didn’t seem to interested and always busy with school work. It wasn’t until the middle of fall semester junior year that I gave up trying since I rarely saw him and he wouldn’t talk (but he is still very attractive and he hangs out in the honors lounge more this semester so if he says wassup, I’m good 😉 )

After I finally stopped stalking that guy I wanted nothing more than to be done with guys for a while; but of course feelings happen. I was waiting for my Spanish class one day and I noticed a guy who is a year ahead of my in the honors program leaving the class (he had the same professor just an hour earlier). I was barely acquaintances with him but we knew each other so I said hi and he tried to give me an answer on the test (I couldn’t hear what he said and got it wrong lol). He messaged me on Facebook a few days later asking for homework for the class. We started talking every day and I quickly developed feelings. He invited me to his midterm for a counseling class where he had to give a presentation and he was so happy I made it. We studied for our Spanish midterm together. In the beginning of December the honors program had  a Christmas party where the students getting the free piano lessons had to preform (aka me and 4 other peeps). So I asked him if he was going and he was really considering it. He actually invited me to lunch at a burger place nearby school earlier that day. However, when the day came he told me he was just gonna stay home because he had papers to write. I was a bit down but I still had fun at the party. We still talked every day. The night before our Spanish final we talked on the phone going over what we thought we had to study and we made plans to study together in the honors lounge in the morning. So we study more and then we have time to kill so we start watching YouTube videos. We move to the small lounge because the director of the honors program tells us we are being too loud. In the small lounge we were sitting on one of the couches and I realized at some point that I was almost resting my head on him but I was too scared so I held it up. After the final I waited for him to finish and I was planning on telling him my feelings before I went to a meeting. Of course I chickened out but I did say “after finals would you want to go out sometime?” meaning a date but I couldn’t even bring myself to say that word. It took me a moment to even blurt out that question and in that moment I saw his face drop but then he picked up and said “oh yeah, the burger place! Just remind me!” and that was that. Between finals ending and the start of January I helped him do work with a professor for his thesis and I also looked over his grad school applications. He really appreciated this and would often compliment me, saying I am smart and finny and such. In January we agree to meet up at the burger place and he offers to pay (although I cover the tip because no guy should be broke for me). We walk to the subway and he hugs me goodbye (and during the entire walk there I feel him bumping my arm with his and the whole time we are having good conversation). He had to go back to school and later that day he messaged me saying he felt bad just leaving me there at the subway but I assured him it was alright. We meet up again for lunch at a place a little closer to school during January and again I think all is well. Some guy on the bus tried flirting with me after the second lunch and when he asked if I had a boyfriend I claimed that his guy was even though we weren’t just because I believed 100% that we were going to move a step further into dating. We still talked every day and it really seemed like he is flirting. We planned to have one more lunch before the semester started but he had to cancel because he had a meeting with financial aid. So starts the semester and the talking slows down a bit because we both have our plates full. The weekend before Valentine’s rolls around and I am planning on telling him my feelings this time with a cheesy Valentine card that I made in a microsoft paint knock off using the album cover image for his favorite song. However, I see he is tagged in a group Valentine date photo. He messages me that day and it is confirmed, he went on a date. I am crushed. I decide “ok, time to start talking to him less and with less emotion now.” However, on Valentines he messages me wishing me a nice day and telling me “You’re smart, beautiful, wonderful, any guy would be lucky to have you” and so much more. It really messed with my head and I asked two friends for advice. They told me to see if he really is dating that other chick. So me and the guy don’t talk much during the week and I am still being a bit flirty. I consider writing him a ballsy message just admitting everything but then I see on their other social media that they are, in fact, official. I delete my message that was never sent and now I truly am talking to him less and less. He still messages me because we were so close during those few months that we were talking and I don’t have the heart to say “go away” but I am talking less out of respect for his relationship and my own sanity. [Edit]: I forgot to add, I am not mad at him at all. More so, I am mad at myself for being blinded by his kindness and confusing it for flirting. One day I’ll learn how to distinguish the difference but his kinds words reminded me too much of what the other guys who actually were somewhat interested in me would say/do. I don’t want to hold this against him, he is a genuinely nice guy with a good heart. I just need to get a handle of myself. I have gotten over him for the most part since I realized I had no chance. He still messages me once in a while but I am less active to respond because I want to slowly fizzle this out. He deserves happiness as much as I do, and he’ll be happier with her than with me. :[End edit].

And there you have it. My entire (lack of) love life. I may have omitted a guy or two out of non-importance or whatever, but that’s it. After the ordeal with the most recent guy I read a book I was supposed to read for one of my classes last year (and never did but it seemed interesting) and even though I am not exactly the target demographic and it was a bit extreme, I did take away some stuff from it. For now I just want to work on surviving the semester because I honestly don’t have time to commit to a person right now. I want to work on bettering myself more so for me. As you have just read, I’ve spent just about my whole life with my head always in the clouds, day dreaming about this boy or that guy. I want to focus on me. Make myself better emotionally and personally so I can handle another “rejection” (I use quotes because none of these guys really rejected me). I also want to make myself better so that the lucky son of a gun who ends up with me will be proud to call me his girlfriend. I know relationships aren’t everything. For the longest time it bothered me so much that I was single my whole life without even a kiss but now I have come to terms with the fact. I accept it as it and I own it. No need to be ashamed of myself. I know eventually I will find a guy who is as interested in me as I am him and hopefully it’ll work out. But for now, Imma be me and just enjoy time without wondering what so-and-so is doing at that hour. I hope this wasn’t a bore, I think it is one of (if not the) longest pieces I wrote. But I just had to get it all out there with as many details as I could.

Your friend,
The hopefulbuthopeless romantic

The Return

Hello lovelies,

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Since my last post (which I briefly skimmed to try to refresh me on where my mind was at last time I wrote) I have done so much and yet it feels like so little. I actually forgot about my blog (I took the link off of my Twitter and Facebooks when I did my several social media purges last year) and I also for some reason stopped receiving emails whenever a blog I followed posted an update. So time went by and I saw no reason to blog. You know what that means right? No? Yes? Maybe? Yeah you in the back, speak up! Eh, it means it’s time for another super long post!

This post is going to be all over the place. This post is gonna be filled with grammatical errors and types like usual. This post is (possibly) gonna go deeper into my head than I have before. Now before we jump right in I’ll give a warning, I have no idea if/when I’ll post again so, as usual, don’t expect this to be a normal occurrence. Just know I love all of you for taking the time to read my words; for the <10 of you that aren’t my friends IRL and are reading this, I don’t know what made you click subscribe but I appreciate it. And to those of you who are friends with me in person or somewhere, you may know some of this but time to learn more about me.

Since I’ve Been Gone

Well since my last post I eventually started up my second semester of sophomore year in college. I remember barely training for my (first) half-marathon and finishing that in 2:18:43. I’m hoping to do another one soon. I remember learning (slightly) more about politics and (especially after the situation from my last post) coming to the realization that I am a conservative. I know this may upset people, so I will shut up after the next sentence about politics. I am proud of who I am and I am open minded to others opinion, not that it’ll change mine without hard facts, but at the same time I know my place and I realize I have a lot to learn to defend my own stances and therefore I stay quiet whenever things come up that I know I cannot argue.

I made it through this second semester with four As and a B+ (which annoyed me greatly because all we did in that class was watch movies and I wrote word for word what my professor wanted in the papers but she even told my friend who had her in the next semester that she doesn’t like giving out As; I’ve pushed that class aside). I didn’t take any amazing classes that semester but I did enjoy myself. I took the second half of a class that trains students to be writing tutors at my school’s writing center. I enjoyed it somewhat but at the same time I never felt 100% comfortable while tutoring so when I was offered a paid position I kindly refused. I also took a class which was about the sociology of the family and it was interesting, despite the full 99 pages of notes I copied in that class. My honors class was a good one with a professor who specializes in corrections and rehabilitation/re-entry programs. That woman is one of the kindest ladies I ever met and she truly cares for every student that walks through her classroom doors. She is a pure sweetheart and after the troubles I had the semester before, she was a breath of fresh air. And I also took the first of two Spanish classes that I needed to take. I had an easy professor and in both of my classes I some how got an A (I took him again in the next semester), but I didn’t really learn much Spanish.

I had fun with friends throughout the spring and summer, if only briefly, and I met plenty of new people. I started training for cross country during the summer but I had such a weak mental game which crossed over into the first month or so of my season. I felt like I was running more as an obligation for my team rather than out of joy. I had a pretty weak season but eventually this mentality went away and I was able to get back into the groove.

During the summer I went on the honors program trip to Pennsylvania (oh my god I spelt that right on the first try). We went white-water rafting (where I had to save my friend Dan after he fell off the raft, despite him being a good 50 pounds heavier than me), we visited the Eastern State Penitentiary (ok so I can spell Pennsylvania right the first time but I can’t spell a word I hear all the time in school correctly? Damn you!), we visited some sciencey museum, we walked around Philly (my friends and I joke that we joined a cult because we stopped and listened to this pseudo-religious group’s live concert in a park at night), and we went to Hershey Park (but it rained that day so most of the rides weren’t working). It wasn’t as adventurous as DC but it was still a great time with my friends.

I also took a summer course (something about research methods) for three weeks because I had no interest in having a heavy work load during the fall semester with cross country season. It went fine and I am glad I didn’t take that class for 15 weeks because that would have been miserable. I also took an online winter course (literature) which I am glad I took in the winter because I would have no been able to balance all the reading and work for that class along with 3-4 other courses at the same time for 15 weeks.

Jumping backwards, during July at work (did I tell you I left the library and now work as an usher in a theater? Yes no maybe? Well now you know) we had Lincoln Center Festival which is three weeks of intense work. Shows non-stop day after day after day. It was pretty cool and I got a pretty pay check at the end of it all. I ended up working on my birthday because I 1. don’t care about my birthday and 2. wanted to take off the week after because my favorite band was coming to NYC. Somehow I made it through that crazy non-stop work. I did go to the Viking’s exhibit at the Discovery Museum on my birthday with my family before work but nothing else exciting happened.

And now I get to see my favorite band, Starkill, live for the first time ever. I was following this band for years, since 2011 before they were signed and back when they were called Massakren. Whenever they came to NYC I either was working, was too young for the venue they were at, or I had my drum lessons. The band had recently started doing live streams on Facebook and, as usual, I was very interactive with commenting and such. When my friend Dan and I get to the show (his first concert if you don’t count Warped Tour which his now-ex miserably dragged him to the year before) it was awesome. The energy was high and all of the bands slayed (of course I will be biased and say Starkill had the most energy). After the show we went down to the merch area and Starkill does all their own stuff cause they are broke and can’t afford roadies. Dan and I talk to the rhythm guitarist for a while and he is a really down to Earth dude who just loves what he does (the whole band is actually). I wanted to buy a shirt but sadly they had no girlie tees. I then talked to the lead guitarist/vocalist and I told him how awesome the show was and that I’d been wanting to see them for ages. He then goes “Does your name happen to be Michelle?” and I say yes so he tells me he has to give me a hug (which he did) because he knew that I had been wanting to see them for years. That is probably my favorite concert moment ever because these guys care so much about their craft and their fans that they happened to recognize their fans at shows. They are the best and I will support them forever.

Anywho, back to school we go. Cross country season is going decently and I am only taking four classes because I realized I usually do worse during the fall semester (and one of them is online so once the season ended I had a wide open schedule).

Through the honors program I was given the chance to have free private piano lessons with Caroline Stoessinger, a world renowned pianist, author, professor, and who knows what else except that this woman is amazing and so patient when it come to teaching me. I am so grateful for these lessons and I am learning more and more about music every time.

My classes trudge on by (I was also taking MUS 120, which is a piano class, with one of my favorite professors) and expect for my music class I really don’t care about any of them. My online class was cool, The Sociology of Violence, but my honors class and my Spanish class were drags. I made it out of the semester all right (with a lot of stress at the end though when everything got piled up) and had my best semester yet (3 As and and A-, also if you are wondering, I got As in my winter and summer classes).

Towards the end of the semester there were some shifts in work in regards to who is working where and my manager asked me to be her administrative assistant so ya girl has an extra experience position now on her resume. Other than that, not too much happened. I went to another concert with Dan to see Huntress, Sabaton, and Trivium (he left with his buddy after Sabaton and I stayed for Trivium. So glad I did because I hadn’t listened to them before and now I am a fan, they were AMAZING! And the crowd was insane, I almost had someone break my glasses by smashing into me). I also went to a Children of Bodom concert during finals with one of my teammates because it was an early Christmas present from my mom. It was alright but I had seen them twice before and we were both stressed and tired from final so we left early (there was also a way too strong odor of weed floating around the venue which bothered us both).

Holidays passed, I enjoyed time with friends, suffered through time with family. Oh, an update on them, my brother is joining the Marine Corps. He reports to boot camp in May.

I went on a one day ski trip with the Honors Program during January. It was fun, my friends and I had a blast. Other than that January was uneventful with work and my lit class (actually, that’s a lie. I started working out doing strength training so I can hopefully be fast in my final cross country season and there was another thing that came up that I think I’ll save for a separate post–yes you’ll actually be getting more of me soon enough).

Now the current semester (the second part of my junior year) begins and OH. MY. GOD. am I stressed every day. I am back to taking five classes, three of which are 300-level sociology courses to just about finish my major. All of them have professors who claimed they wanna treat us like graduate students (which is just torture). I am also talking an online history class that has work due twice a week and my textbook never arrived for that class so every week I am in the library scanning the next chapter I need to read. My only oasis is my songwriting course. In one sociology class I have to write a 20 page grant proposal for my final and I only just recently thought of a potential idea (well, ideas. I am gonna be using this professor as my capstone mentor for my honors senior thesis and so I am gonna base THAT on whatever I make my grant proposal, less work for me. My three ides are 1. The troubles veterans face re-integrating in civilian life, 2. Substance abuse in veterans, or 3. The affects on marriage from the military) so I am still panicking about that. My second sociology course wants us to write a 15-20 page research paper on anything to do with social order (again, gonna do something with military but I can’t think of anything and i hate that course because I can’t think or understand abstract/philosophical thoughts). And in my last sociology course my professor doesn’t teach us. At all. She either reads from a page she already gave us, has a guest speaker, or has us present on the readings we were supposed to read. It is so boring and that makes me sad because the topic is penology (basically, the study of prisons from a sociological stand point) and it could be so interesting but she makes it so meh. It is an easy A though, so that is good. Some how I will survive until May. Because after this semester I just need to take one more class for my major, two more for my minor, one more honors class and I am done with my requirements! I do have to take two extra classes in fall just so I can be a full time student while I am a student-athlete. I wanted to pick up a writing minor but the requirements changed before I added it and now I can’t do it because the courses I need are barely available. I will take a creative writing course though just for fun.

I am also heavily stressing about post-bachelors Michelle. I just recently started to consider social work (focusing on veterans and military families) but I’m not sure because I have been so adamant about not wanting to go to grad-school and I need a MSW for that (plus it is low pay for high stress). I realized that federal law enforcement would not be something that I am passionate about enough to go to work every day. I am at such a loss of what I will do when I graduate that I am both excited and dreading May 2018 when I walk across the stage in my cap and gown.

Winding down, I got to see Starkill again in February (Dan got the day of the show mixed up so I actually went to my first solo concert) and again the guitarist recognized me; he even added me as a friend on Facebook after the show! I got a hoodie because again they did not have girlie tees (I scolded the guitarist for that). I’ve been able to work a lot (mo’ money mo’ happy) and enjoy time with my friends.

I’m planning on having another post sometime this week about a topic I’ve purposely avoided for a while since I had my blog linked to my other social media (all of which will be explained there) but now that nobody can trace this (easily) back to me, I see no reason to hold back.

Now you’ve been caught up, basically, with my life since my last post. Any more updates? Hmm, I have become obsessed with hot chocolate (no joke)…… I really can’t think of anything that I haven’t touched on already or will touch on soon. So for now, I will bid you all farewell. Thank you for waiting patiently at your computers for me to emerge from the darkness, I know my silence has been killing you. I hope my stay isn’t short but no promises. Until next time

Your friend,
Who hasn’t forgotten about you

Moving Forward

Hey peoples

In my time that I was absent from blogging I dealt with a stressful situation in school with a professor that I will not go into detail because only now do I see how immature it is to vent my problems all over social media and to anyone who would listen. Not that I didn’t know that before but my emotions took over my actions these past few months and lead to me tweeting vague but angry tweets, saying crap in group chats and in person, writing a few cringe worthy emails, and I’m pretty sure just being a nuisance to my friends and family. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to anyone I upset, made feel uncomfortable, or even hurt during this time. If you choose not to forgive me, I understand. My immaturity is inexcusable. I do not deserve any pity “Oh Michelle we all do things we regret when we are upset” comments because no, those who are mature don’t become cowards like me and hide behind a screen or vent to everyone. They address the cause of their problems head on and in proper ways.

I originally was planning on making this post another long rant where I painted my professor as the devil my hate-filled self saw her as. I was going to claim that that would be the way I would end my problem and claim that this was how I was going to move on. I realize now just how wrong and stupid that idea is. Writing a public post that portrayed me as a victim to the “abuse of power” my professor used (actual words I wrote in an email to my advisers) would only make me become part of the type of people that I dislike the most. I am responsible for my own actions and now I am realizing that I acted wrong.

I had a meeting earlier today with my advisers and I brought up all of the things I saw as issues. I cried as my own anger and stress came pouring out. They were able to bring me back to reality and inform me of what could have been done and what could be done. They informed me that, despite how it seemed when I vented to my peers, I actually stood alone in my fight. In fact, it turns out more people were against me than with me. My advisers told me to take a week to relax and reflect and on Monday give a final decision of what I want to do moving forward. After that meeting I got myself a KitKat (my favorite candy) and went for a walk in Central Park. During that walk I shocked myself by feeling my mind wander to my freshman and senior year religion teacher from high school (same teacher for both years). One of her biggest lessons that she constantly taught about was forgiveness. Back when I was sitting in her class I thought that was she was teaching was useless, especially since I do not believe in God (sorry folks). I thought that what she was teaching was only applicable if you were looking for your soul to be forgiven by Jesus. now I see that she had a point. One of her favorite quotes to use what “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I thought that quote was stupid at the time but now I see what she means. My professor will move on. She will enjoy time with her family, she will teach more classes, and she will live a life that I can only assume is happy (we never know what anyone is going through) while I will continue to shudder at the thought of her and continue to rant and rave about how terrible I think she is. What good would that do? My professor will never feel or be affected by my anger. It would only be me who is hurting. I have to move on. I have to let go. I have to heal.

Like I said, I have until Monday to decide on some things that I discussed in my meeting. My emotions are too raw right now to come to a wise decision. However, as of now I think my final decision will be to just let this go. As of now i can say that I don’t ever want to talk or even see my professor again but maybe in a year or so I will decide that it is time to confront her. I feel like “confront” is the wrong word to use though. It just sounds too aggressive. I guess “discuss with” would be the better phrase. Let time heal my (and her, if she has any) grievances. Or maybe I will eventually just forget the whole issue and move on happily. What I need to do now is work on forgiving my professor and myself. As I said before, I handled the situation immaturely and maybe it will come back to bite me in the butt. I have to accept this as a consequence for acting when I wasn’t thinking straight. I am as much at fault as I feel my professor was. Does this all mean that in a few months her and I will be getting coffee every Tuesday and brunch on Saturdays? No. (I don’t even drink coffee.) I may never even bring myself to look her in the eye again. I just need to man up and let go.

It really amazes me how much crying, talking to people who aren’t a part of a situation and are much more knowledgeable, and just taking a walk can change a perspective that was so firm for so long. I wrote this entire post on a notepad while I was traveling home (first time I ever did that, usually I just freewrite in the New Post box) and as I am almost at my stop I feel I feel slightly better than I did when I went into the city today. From wanting to make the whole world imagine a woman they never met as evil incarnate to opening myself up to all of you, the change is quite noticeable. I think I will be able to work my way to happiness once again. I still have a long way to go but this journey will be more quieter than my original fight of anger and grief. I want to do my best to promise everyone that I will no longer make complaints or comments on social media or in person about this situation. I no longer want to burden anyone. This isn’t me trying to bottle my emotions away, cause anyone who was around me these past few months knows that is the last thing I did. No, this is me trying to finally let go. I told the right people about how I felt and it helped me to get here. I need more internal reflection to continue to move on.

I want to say that if you ever have a problem with someone, which you will at some point cause we all do, just address them. I didn’t because I am a coward and I no longer want to be one. I also don’t want anyone else to be a coward because it does nothing but make you look bad and it will never help you. So for now I would like to send a mental thank you note to my old religion teacher and end my post, not bitter as I was originally planning, but with hope. Thank you all.

Your friend,
Who is trying to find the rainbow after the storm

Time

Hello all you lovely people,

It’s been a while since my last post; I know this. Why you ask? I can give you many reasons. My laziness, school getting in the way, me forgetting I have a blog, and me just not having anything interesting to talk about. That sums it up basically. Let’s move on.

Time is such a fickle concept. As it moves on things change and there isn’t much to do about it. You meet people and you either stay in contact all the time or lose touch over time. You gain interests and develop skills or passions over time or you grow tired and bored of them and they become distant memories. It is all on how you manage your time.

And I am bad at time management.

I sit for hours a day doing absolutely nothing of what I want and never change my ways. And yet I wonder where all my time goes. I talk to some people on almost a daily basis and don’t give time to others that I care about. And yet I wish for the day that I’ll get back into contact with old friends.

During the semester I try to focus all my energy on school but still end up wasting so many hours and stressing towards my deadlines.

I never really end up having the time to do things that I want like reading for pleasure, reading blog posts from blogs I follow (I am so many months behind on all of them because I just gave up during the semester and I plan to read everything now), watching shows I enjoy, working out, practicing my drums, and enjoying myself with friends. I just stare at the computer screen for too long and make no progress on anything. And I hate this but I know I wont change myself after making this post.

I’ve made friends and lost contact with those people so rapidly because I don’t dedicate the time they deserve to me.

And in keeping with time, I worry too much about my future. I feel like I have to do so much right now in my life just to be able to give myself a bright future. I have to get internships and straight As or I wont be successful, or so it seems. But as time moves on, these things become harder to accomplish.

It is already 2016 and this year I will be turning 20. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have almost already lived two full decades. I don’t ever remember sometimes that I turned 19 or that 2015 was as long as a year should be.

Time is just strange to me. And as you can tell by how jumbled and short my statements are, I can’t even fully analyze my thoughts on time. It just flies by, for better or worse, and you can never turn back. A quote I’ve heard many times is “This moment is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” It’s amazing how true that quote is.

I’m looking back on my post that I made at the end of 2014 about goals I wanted to achieve during 2015. Since I have been a ghost for the most part of 2015 I guess I’ll tell you all what I accomplished and what I didn’t. I finally did get a medal in cross country. I was so happy that day that for the first time that I can remember I had legit tears of happiness in my eyes. I have improved my GPA. It’s not awesome like I had hoped for but I am up to a 3.35 now, so I am still in the honors program. I have improved my writing somewhat thanks to the first half of a two semester course that I am taking that is training me to be a tutor in the writing center at my school. You probably can’t tell though from my blogs because I just free write here and I always see mistakes only after hitting publish. I read some books, but nowhere nearly enough to where I want to be. I do use a website called Goodreads to keep track of my books and all that I want to read. Socialize more? I think I did the same amount as I usually do (maybe slightly more but I am often found in my hobbit hole aka room). Leave my comfort zone more? I did try new things, whether it be food or whatnot, but no where near enough. I’m just permanently stuck inside my bubble of comfort. Everything else I planned for 2015 was basically a bust. Like I said before, I am terrible at time management and I never get around to what I want to do. I just do things that temporarily bring me joy.

In 2015 though I did get a new job (and finally left the library after four years), I met so many new people, and I had fun. I’ve heard many people (via shared facebook posts of tumblr posts) claim that 2015 was a terrible year and I disagree. While it wasn’t the best year in my life, I can’t say it was the worst. I still have so much time ahead of me and I just wish I knew how to make the most of it.

I really don’t have too much else to say. I just wanted you all to know that I am still alive and well. Posts will still be coming, as infrequently as they do. And I hope that you all make the best of the time you have laid out for you.

Your friend,
For all of time

My Adventure To The Capital

Hello hello again!

Well since I mentioned it in the post the other day I decided, why not tell you folks about my trip to DC?

Key things to know before we enter this journey:

  • The possibility of this trip was the main reason I signed up for the Honors Program. We have trips every summer and winter session to different places but every 3-4 years they venture to D.C. and the FBI training headquarters at Quantico.
  • I will give as detailed of a story as I can, whether the details matter or not. Keep in mind this trip happened over a month ago though so little things and conversations might have slipped away.
  • This is the longest it’s taken me to write a blog post (over several days) cause I am lazy and this is a lengthy story. In fact, it took so long that the draft page automatically went back to the classic version of the website, which I prefer much more.
  • If you haven’t heard me tell this story yet then I expect you to read and absorb every last letter of these 9600+ words. If I told you the story already, you can skip this post because you already know what happens and it is my longest post to date.
  • I probably should hide the identity of my fellow friends, but I wont. Especially since we all have the most basic of basic names.
  • Speaking of my friends they are:
    • Alex, Anna, Chris, and Dan. All except for Anna were in my Honors English class the past two semester, she is/was a junior but we’re friends with her and she was roomed with Alex in the hotel so she tagged along on most of our adventures. Dan, Anna, and I were the only ones of this group that also went on the winter trip to some dude ranch for a two day, one night trip. There will be a few other names mentioned as well, but everyone has such ordinary names that I again don’t care about making up fake aliases for each of them.

Monday

I get to school around 7:20ish in the morning and drop my bag off in the Honors lounge and go to get myself a BLT. On my way out I see Alex coming into the building and she was waiting for someone else who was going on the trip so we shouted hello despite being 20 feet away and I let them be. After getting my sandwich (The guy at the deli joked saying he put extra mayo on it when I asked for no mayo, I almost flipped) I went back to the lounge to grab my stuff and joined everyone who had already arrived in the main atrium. We were told we were boarding the bus and leaving by 8 on the dot, which of course didn’t happen. Alex, Anna, and I were standing around joking with some other girls who were on the trip (N.B. there were only like 7 dudes and 30 something females on the trip) and of course, just when I decide to start walking to the bathroom the woman in charge of the program and one of our chaperones says we are going on the bus now. So we get on the bus. I sit in the front with Dan and Chris and somehow, for the entire trip (except on two occasions for brief periods of time), the three of us managed to not have to sit next to anybody. The head of the Honors Program was going over some mandatory stuffs on a loudspeaker when suddenly she stopped and asked “Who are you?” and all heads on the bus turned backwards to face some chick who was standing up in her seat. She replied, with laughter, “I think I am on the wrong bus. I’m not going to DC.” We laughed, she seemed fine and got off the bus and removed her bag from the storage area underneath then continued on her way. The lady in charge (look, I’ll reveal all my friends secrets but I’ll spare the two chaperones so deal with it) continued with her list of procedures and precautions, all mandatory shiz. At some point we all had to be assigned numbers to do a countoff for whenever we ventured back onto the bus or into a new area to make sure we didn’t lose anyone. Dan and Chris both told me I had to remember their numbers for them but thankfully after the second count off they knew where they were. Finally, once all these procedures were dealt with, we were off!

Chris, Dan, and I chatted for a bit until we got to the end of the Holland Tunnel then they decided to go to sleep. I read a book (To Hell And Back by Audie Murphy, anyone interested in WW2 should read it if you haven’t already).  Before we left we were given our room assignments and I was put in a room with three people I didn’t know. Apparently there were a few girls who wanted to swap into different rooms so I gave up my spot there and moved into a room with three other girls that I did not know. At some point one of the other girls who I am acquaintances with asked the two chaperones if we could play Silence Of The Lambs on the bus’s TV. I had read the book but I never saw the movie. Since I was in the second row of the bus I had a bad view of the TV in front of me but in Dan’s row there was a TV so Chris, and just woke up, and I moved to the empty row behind Dan and we watched the movie. At some point Dan briefly woke up from his nap and I saw through the space between the chairs that he was confused as to where his friends were until he looked back and I waved. Then he went back to sleep. Not too much later we had to pause the movie to take a pit stop on the side of the highway at one of those pit stop stations with lots of eateries. I was finally able to use the bathroom and I then got myself an ice cream cone. Most other people got Starbucks or real food. When it was time to head back to the bus, it wasn’t there. Apparently it had to fill up on gas so everyone waited outside until it came back. When we were back on the bus we finished the movie and Chris and I went back to our normal seats. I think he took another nap and I read a bit more before I got distracted by the window and stared off into the outdoors while day dreaming. The girl who put on the movie and I started talking at some point because she is a fan of the Avatar: The Last Airbender series and its sequel series. We chatted about it and other TV shows/movies until we pulled up to the hotel. I woke Dan up at this point and Chris was already awake and we got off the bus. We migrated into the hotel lobby and found our room assignments and roommates. I had three nice girls, all of them are older than me and it seemed like they all already knew a little bit about each other so I was happy when Chris texted that he and Dan wanted me to come to their room. The two dickheads guys lucked out in that 1. Their only other roommate, Tom, was willing to sleep on the chairs or the floor of the room so none of them had to share a bed and 2. they had a fridge in their room that they didn’t even use during the trip. Alex and Anna eventually showed up to the room also, just as we were heading out to explore the hotel before we were going to our first stop: The Smithsonian. We found the hotel gym and Anna showed us that she could use the Lat-Pull at the heaviest weight. We also found the pool and a dining area with pool tables. Then it was time to head to the Smithsonian.

We got there at 3pm and the lady in charge of us nerdy delinquents told us to visit the museums that were in the area for the next three hours and meet back at the drop off spot. Either Chris or Dan immediately decided that we were going to do the flight simulators at the Air and Space museum so we found it on a map and we headed over there (it was just the guys, me and Alex. Anna went with a different group of people). When we got to the museum Dan saw some kids wearing helmets that said NASA on the side and wanted one but wasn’t too disappointed later when he found out that his head was too big for them. Once we were inside the museum the four of us were ready with phones (or in my case, an actual digital camera cause I have DinoTech) and taking tons of photos of the replicas of air crafts that were on display. We found the flight simulators with no problem and got online. Alex and I went together in one while the guys went into another. Before we go into the actual simulator we were giving instructions on how to “fly” the thing. Since I was driving I had to listen to that part but the lady didn’t do a good job at explaining which of the handles went to which controls. This resulted in Me and Alex being upside down for a majority of the ride (and her screaming her head off at me about how much she hates me) cause I couldn’t figure out how the hell to flip us right-side-up. She was in control of the “gun” but because of my amazing driving skills only managed to shot one enemy plane. When we met up with the guys after their simulation ended they tried to play it off as if they shot 15 planes but eventually cracked and said they also only got one. We then spent the next three hours in that one museum, touching everything whether we were allowed to or not and making jokes about different things. When it was winding towards the end and we had visited every exhibit in the museum we went to the gift shop. As we were wandering around the gift shop at some point I walked past a little kid with a lightsaber who almost slammed it into my legs. I said “Don’t do that” as emotionlessly as I could and continued walking while the little shit kid just smirked and looked at me and my friends laughed cause they knew I am not a fan of children. I ended up getting a hat that looks like the old WW2 pilot helmets. Dan, Chris, and I all also go freeze-dried space food. As we were leaving we heard from those around us that it was pouring outside. When we got to the exit we didn’t know what to do so the three us ate our astronaut food by the door (I had an ice-cream sandwich that tasted like Count Chocula cereal) then we decided we had to suffer the elements and we left the building. Luckily when we got outside it was no longer raining. Just a drizzle if that. We walked back to the bus seemingly dry until Dan decided to jump in a puddle and splash us.

We got back to the hotel and found out that there was a circular bus that, for one dollar, will take you into town from the hotel. So the four of us, Anna, and another girl named Sarah (never met her before but she was rooming with Alex and Anna so she invited herself along) took the bus. Everyone else in the group decided they wanted to try some exotic foods so I was stuck with having to try something new for once. We passed by a Thai and Sushi restaurant and almost everyone was intrigued by that but they decided to stay on the bus and see what else was around. We ended up driving by an Indian restaurant and everyone suddenly changed their minds to that and figured we’d have Thai and sushi the next day. So we get off the bus and I realize there is no way I am having burgers at this point so I prepare myself for the worst. We were the only ones in the restaurant when we entered and the food came pretty quickly. I got Chicken Madras which was tasty, but I wasn’t used to spicy foods so I appreciated the bus boy refilling my water every few minutes. The girl Sarah who tagged along apparently thinks that BBQ sauce is too spicy so she did not have a fun time and barely touched her food after the first bite. I suggested for her to have some of the white rice that was on the table but she doesn’t like pasta or rice. I didn’t bother trying to help after that. Towards the end of our meal another large party of people came in and were seated next to us. One of the people at their table held a toast to someone else for graduating from grad school and everyone at my table clapped along with them because that’s goals right there. They didn’t seem to mind at all that we shared in that moment of celebration. Finally, it is time to leave. We walk out the door and there is a torrential downpour going on. The employees tell us that it should pass in like 15 minutes so the six of us stayed huddled underneath the awning trying to figure out what they hell we’re gonna do. Anna ran out to find where the bus stop was but she slipped and almost fell so she came back. A few minutes later we see the bus that we need so Alex, Dan, Chris, and I start booking after the bus but sadly we miss it. We continue running because at this point we are really wet and just wanna get back to the hotel. We had a system of run a couple of blocks and then huddle underneath an awning or in the doorway of a store (most of them were closed at this point). We ended up running past the block we had to turn on (we actually huddled under an awning at the corner of the block without realizing it, mainly cause we were watching a motorcyclist trying to make his way through a very large puddle in the street) and it wasn’t until Dan took out his phone and used the GPS that we found out we had gone too far. When we were running back we made it to the corner again and Dan almost goes across the street to the right when we had to make a left and I yell at him to tell him he is going the wrong way. We continue the pattern of run a few blocks and then huddle but at this point it is of no use, we are all drenched. I was glad my shirt wasn’t completely white. Except for at the beginning when I actually had my glasses on my face which resulted in water splashing into my eyes, I was leading the pack in the runs. At some point I even stated “This is the worst mile I ever ran” to which I got angry replies (everyone in this group is athletic of some sort or at least goes to the gym regularly but they don’t run XC). At some point when we were huddled underneath an awning we see a bus driving up the street and realize that it is the bus we need. I run across the street, right infront of the bus as it was about to pull out of the bus stop, and we get on. After I paid my dollar I turn to start walking towards the back and I see Anna and Sarah are already on the bus and they are nowhere near as wet as we are. When the bus goes by the hotel it turns out none of them realized we had to push the stop request button so I do so and we get off at the next stop only to find that it is no longer raining. When we get inside the hotel we plan to meet up in the guys room once we are all dry. I walk to my room that was all the way at the end of the hall only to find that my keycard doesn’t work and none of my roommates are inside. So I go back down to the lobby and have them fix the issue and I also but myself a newspaper to use to dry my sneakers. I get back up to my room and it still takes a bunch of tries but I finally get the door open. I use the blow-dryer in the bathroom to dry out my sneakers and my hair. I then change into pajamas, stuff my sneakers with newspaper and grab a bunch of stuff to bring to the guys room. When I get there I give Chris the rest of the newspaper and he puts it inside his and Dan’s shoes since Dan was showering at this point. With me I also had a bag of KitKats, a deck of cards, Cards Against Humanity, and my electronic devices that actually allowed me to access the internet (cause I have a flipphone). The others got to the room after Dan got out of the shower and we watched American Ninja Warrior for a bit before playing Cards Against Humanity. Sarah didn’t want to play but we made her and at first she was complaining until she went on a winning streak. Anyone who has played this game knows the crazy things that come out and since all of us are twisted we had some great results. After the game ended we watched some more TV until it was a few minutes until 11:30, which was the time we had to be in our respective rooms for room checks. When I got to my room we had one of the chaperons come almost right away and then the four of us were left to do whatever. I told them about my day and when I got to Cards Against Humanity they were interested in playing, I think I was the only one of them who had played before. We played until one in the morning and decided it was time to go to sleep because we had to be out of the hotel at 7:45 in the morning the next day to go to Quantico.

Tuesday

I am unable to sleep, especially on vacation, so I got maybe three hours that night before I woke up at 5:30. I took a shower and what I thought was a good spot on the floor to put my pajamas was actually a really bad idea because they got soaking wet since the floor became a puddle whenever one of us showered. I hung them up to dry and hoped for the best. As I was getting ready I texted the guys, threatening that if neither of them texted back by 7 I would go to their room and wake them up. Chris must have woken up, responded, and gone back to sleep but then Dan texted saying he was about to go to Starbucks cause he need coffee to survive so I tagged along. When we got back to his room Chris was just waking up for real at this point and Tom was almost dressed. As Chris got ready Dan realized that he paid $5 for basically an egg mcmuffin while Chris only ate two KitKats. I had a protein bar and a blueberry scone. Then it was time to venture to the bus and we were off to Quantico. The guys again took a nap so I was left with just looking out the window and talking to the chaperons (the joys of sitting at the front of the bus). At some point we pulled up to a toll booth looking area, more like an ID inspecting checkpoint and there was this guy in full military outfit with a bigass gun so I woke Dan (who loves guns) so he could see it. Turns out our bus driver went the wrong way so they let us make a U turn and leave. When we actually did get to Quantico we had to go through more security checks and while we were waiting for someone to come back with our IDs we watched this truck with cargo pull up and be inspected by a dog. All of us were secretly hoping that the dog would find drugs/explosives/stowaways just so we could see the FBI people in action but there was none of that. Now I am not sure how much, if at all, I am allowed to tell of the tour we had of Quantico so I will say it was a three hour tour (cue the Gulliver’s Island theme song) and we may or may not all have gotten lung cancer from one of the buildings we entered. The forensic science people on the trip were disappointed that they didn’t get to see they labs. When we were driving back to the hotel I spotted a used book store only a couple blocks away from the hotel. When we got back in the hotel we tried getting on the elevators, they were pretty crowded, and eventually we got on. Squished like sardines were me, my group, one of my roommates and some other people who were staying at the hotel. Dan decides to say “Should we take this time to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?” The random vacationers didn’t find his joke as funny as the rest of us did.

Alex, Dan, Chris, Anna, and I decided that we would go to lunch in about an hour cause the guys wanted to take another nap. In my hotel room I found that my pajamas were still soaked but I saw that my hotel room had an ironing board and an iron so I asked my roommates if that would dry my clothes or not and they said it would. I spent that entire hour hunched over my pajama shirt (I bought FBI sweatpants at the giftshop in Quantico so I didn’t worry about my pants) thinking of a sexist joke about how I finally became a woman since I ironed for the first time while my roommates sat there having an in depth discussion about feminism. I met up with my group in the lobby and we walked to find lunch. We chose to eat at a Johnny Rockets and I was happy to finally get a burger (but sadly the waitress thought that I didn’t want pickles when in fact that was one of the only things I DID want). As we were walking back to the hotel I mentioned the used book store I spotted and the girls wanted to go there but the guys wanted to go back to the hotel to play pool or actually go in the pool (we found out they did neither, they took yet another nap). So Alex, Anna, and I find the used bookstore and see that it’s in a basement of some house basically and we joked that I was leading us to our deaths (and at that very moment I almost fell down the stairs, ensuring even more laughter). Inside the used bookstore was B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. I was almost overwhelmed with the amount of books to choose from. I ended up getting seven books (sadly though, one book that I found in the music section called Symphony: A How-to Manuel which I assumed was about how to write a symphony was infact about a computer software program with that name so I only got six books I actually wanted), Alex got one and Anna, although she saw a few that interested her, didn’t get any. We went back to the hotel and I grabbed the book I was already reading and went to their room to chill until it was time for our next adventure.

We got on the bus and headed out to see the Lincoln and the Martin Luther King JR. memorials. Alex sat next to me on the bus and we talked about the Macaulay Quidditch team cause she is a member on it. When we got to the memorials Dan was disappointed to find out that the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial were not the ones that Rocky ran up in the movie but he still sang The Eye Of The Tiger while mounting each step. When we were finally at the top of the steps, and when the chaperons finally finished making us take group photos, I told Alex that she should climb into Lincoln’s lap and tell him what she wants for Christmas (momentarily forgetting that she is Jewish). Not even a few minutes later one of the other guys on the trip, Nick, walked over to us and said we should all sit on Lincoln’s lap and tell him what we want for Christmas so obviously I wasn’t the only one with that joke. My main group of five stood around in a cluster for a bit talking or just staring into nothingness (I was doing more of the latter) before we decided to descend the stairs and wait for the meet up time that we were giving where we’d all migrate to the next memorial. We saw a large group of Asian tourists getting together to take a group photo infront of the reflecting pool and I said that one of us should photobomb them. Dan almost did but for whatever reason decided not to. We sat on a bench by the stairs for a while before we realized we had no idea where everyone else went. We walked to the base of the stairs and saw that almost everyone was already gather there and we were one of the last sets of people to join them. Once we did we walked over to the Martin Luther King JR memorial. Again we were given some time to walk around and observe but my group just stood by the lake that was there and watched the jumping fish. I almost didn’t even see the giant Martin Luther King JR cutout in stone and would have missed out on the entire reason why we were there in the first place (Note- I had no idea where we were at this point but I saw lots of quotes on walls that I didn’t bother to read. To me it just looked like we were at a faux Stonehenge). Then we headed back to the hotel and this night we had no curfew, which was a risky move on the chaperon’s parts but luckily as honors students we know how not to be delinquents when necessary. My group gathered together and decided to go to dinner.

We waited for the bus for a while and when we finally got on it we were planning (or rather everyone else was, I was just silently brooding) on going to the Thai and Sushi place we found the previous day. On the bus ride Anna was saying that her seat was uncomfortably warm so I offered to switch with her. The exhaust of the bus or something else having to deal with making cars warm (I know nothing about mechanics) must have been right under or next to this seat because within less than a minute I felt the heat Anna was talking to and I jokenly said “At least I’m finally hot now” and Alex chimed in “Yeah you got a hot ass” which received even more laughs. (Another note that doesn’t really matter but I’ll mention anyways- I was the only one in this group of five that is not attracted to females). When we got down to where the restaurant was we decided (to my pleasure) to stay on the bus for longer just to see what else was around, Dan even suggested taking it all the way around because it was a circular bus route. We eventually decided to get off and when we realized we were on Pennsylvania Avenue Dan (for like the rest of the night he basically dictated everything we did) suggested that we walk to the White House, despite the fact that his mom texted him earlier in the day about a bomb threat or something that happened there. Anna tried to convince us it was a bad idea but in my hopes of not having to try raw fish I said we should do it and luckily the bus stop we got off at had a map of the area so we saw that we weren’t too far so we set off.

It took us about two to three blocks before we walked by a building that had a waterfall wall infront of it. Chris and I raced to the building to see who could touch the waterfall first (I believe I won). Like the idiots we are, almost all five of us were having a grand old time placing our hands and faces on the wall to see how it felt. When we had enough of that we walked another few feet to some cool looking floor fountain that spewed water into a large puddle area so we stared playing with the water spewers. Dan seemed to have fun getting the rest of us as wet as he could and he almost even took a drink of it before deciding that floor water probably wouldn’t taste that good. When we started to walk away from the building and on with our adventure I noticed that the building was for the International Monetary Fund, which was something that Dan and I had read about in our history class back in the fall semester. I pointed it out to him and he said “oh yeah, those guys were dicks.” I suggested we run in and yell that at them but we just continued walking. On our adventure a recurring theme was jaywalking, making fun of the ridiculously long countdowns for the cross walks (They started at like 80 seconds when here in NYC the most they’ll give you at the busiest of corners is 25), and almost getting hit by cars because we’re too used to the traffic in Manhattan. As we got closer to the building Dan told us a joke he heard from somewhere that it is illegal to say you are going to kill the pres. (abbreviating incase the CIA are scanning the interwebs for that quote, don’t want my blog getting destroyed and me getting water-boarded at Guantanamo bay) and he kept messing with us as if he was gonna shout those words as loud as possible. Alex got pissed at him for telling us this because she said that she is very impulsive so for the rest of the night I would ask her “what is it illegal to say?” When we finally got to the White House it was too late to go on any tours but we were able to take photos. Since it was dark out my camera that my mom lent me didn’t get too good of quality photos, which resulted in everyone else making fun of my for my lack of modern technology. While we were there we saw two Secret Service Police officers (not like high profile, suit and tie with ear piece peoples, just cops who are part of that branch of law enforcement there) and Dan wanted to talk to them about requirements to getting a job with them. Turns out all we needed was to be 21 or older so Dan and I said “See you in three years” in unison. As we walked away from them Dan decided that now we should walk to the Capital Building. Again, Anna tried to talk us out of it but we marched on. Apparently it is a 2 mile journey from the White House to the Capital Building. At some point before we left the general area of the White House I spotted a dude who looked like the chem prof that I had so I pointed him out to Chris who took the same class I did except in the spring semester. He then told me he got an A- in it so I called him an ass or something of that sort. I honestly cannot remember every moment of this venture but I do know there was a lots of roasting of each other, talks of going to a bar despite the fact that they all forgot their fake IDs (and I lack one), and more jaywalking/almost getting hit by cars. At some point we passed by a building that had the FBI emblem on the outside so we all took a photo of it. The flash on my camera almost ruined mine so Alex said “Don’t worry Michelle, we’ll fax it to you.” Along the walk we realized we were hungry but all the restaurants we passed looked well out of our price range so we ignored the grumbles of our stomachs. At another point we passed by a newspaper printing press building that had the front cover of a newspaper from each of the 50 states. Since they were laid out in alphabetical order Dan started to sing the song The 50 States In Rhyme and I picked up from where he left off. I walked passed each of the newspapers, not really reading or caring about them and once I got to the end I decided to sit down in a bench nearby. Anna and Chris joined me while Alex and Dan continued to look at the newspapers. Before we set off to continue on our journey we spotted a homeless man who seemed to appear out of nowhere, hidden behind the building. He was just chilling and not doing anyone harm but we weren’t expecting to see anybody there. When we finally got to the Capital Building it was 9:30ish at night so obviously most of it was closed off and all I got was one really crappy photo. We decided to take a short break sitting down outside of the building to figure out what to do now. We figured we didn’t want to walk all the way back the way we came to get to the hotel so Anna used her phone’s GPS to find a bus stop nearby.  As we walked to the bus stop we passed by was sort of looked like a drinking water fountain that was just spewing out water on the side of the building. All of us were in need of water so we didn’t care about possible arsenic poisoning, which I joked about as we walked away. We got to the bus stop and sat on the ground because our legs were shot. All of us were hungry at this point and Dan spotted two policemen across the street. All of us except for Anna walked over to them to ask if they knew of any places nearby that were still open where we could eat (It was 9:50pm and unlike NYC, things close hella early there in DC). The police men told us to walk up four blocks and there should be some places to eat around there. We called Anna over and started walking uphill. About two blocks in we pass by a bus stop and I was continuing forward with the guys but Alex and Anna pointed out that at this time buses only come every half an hour. We turn around and see the bus we need is stopping there so we run back to the bus stop and I again run infront of the bus to make sure it doesn’t drive away. When we get on the bus we didn’t realize that this one took more than a dollar, $1.75 to be exact, to get on so Dan and I put our dollars in and walked to the first spot we saw with space while the others were left there trying to figure out what was wrong. While we were on the bus some lady helped Dan and I pull down the seat (we were standing in the area where seats move up if someone is in a wheelchair) and we were able to sit down. Anna finds out using her GPS that it will take us over an hour to get back to the hotel. Dan suggests that we get off and get a taxi, which we all agreed on. We got off the bus and stood the bus stop for a little bit before we realized that no taxis were coming around here at that time of night. We were in, as we called but who knows if it is accurate or not, the ghetto. The bus stop we got off at was fancy and when we pushed a button it told us, in both English and Spanish, how far away the next bus for each of the buses that stopped there was. We spotted a Chinese food place across the street and even though I am not fond of Chinese food I was too hungry to care so we walked over there only to see that this place was really sketchy. It had no seats, we didn’t see anybody inside, it was brightly lite and just purely white, the counter was blocked by what looked to be pexiglass windows. We decided not to go inside. Then someone suggested we call a cab so they looked up the numbers for local taxi services and Dan called. We gave them our location and everything only to find out that four people were the maximum amount to be picked up. When Dan asked if we could just lie and say that there were four of us the person on the phone told him that the phone call was being recorded so that stopped that plan. I could have easily fit in the trunk, squeezed in between them or even sat on somebody’s lap (doubt any of them would have minded especially since I am not even 100 pounds) but we were left lost and confused. We decided that we should get back on the bus and of course when we turn around there is the bus we need, across the street. So for the third and final time of this trip I run in front of the bus to stop it from driving away. The guys and I get on and again only pay a dollar each, leaving Anna and Alex to figure out that the price is actually higher. Luckily, this was a different bus that took a more direct route to the hotel so our ride was less than the originally expected hour. On the journey back Alex’s phone has a step counter thing and told us that we walked over 13 miles in total that day. The others were trying to figure out what we were going to do for food. Apparently they had spotted an Irish bar nearby the hotel earlier and considered that and Anna called some other place asking if they deliver but they had no idea what she was asking. I was just so tired and I was sitting in the frontmost row alone so I just stared at nothing, contributing very little to the conversation. When we were almost at the hotel we spotted a pizzeria across the street that was still open so we got off and went there. It was a very small place so we ordered our food to go. Once we left and were starting to walk towards the hotel I saw a bus drive by in the opposite direction and recognized someone sitting in the front, turns out it was the first bus we were on.

When we got into the hotel we were planning on eating near the pool tables in the dining hall. We walked to the dining hall only to find that it was closed. We almost went in, but I pointed out the security camera so we chose to eat in the guy’s hotel room. Alex got blue cheese with whatever it was that she ordered but she gave it to Dan. He read out loud that the label on the blue cheese said “Made in College Point, NY” and I said “That’s where my high school is” he told me that he was just about to ask if any of us knew where that was. That was when I realized I was the only one in the group from NYC (Chris is from Long Island, Dan upstate, Alex California, and Anna, who was currently not in the room, is from Connecticut) so I told them that College Point is also where West Nile Virus originated in America. After that I opened the box that had my two slices of pizza and I was shocked. The two slices were big enough to be about the size of half a pizza together. Alex and Chris got a whole pie together and their slices were normal sized so I have no idea why I got giant pizza but somehow I finished it (it took a while). While we were eating I ran to my room to get my iPod charger so that I could go on Facebook and Twitter. As I was running down the hall to the elevator I saw Tom and said that I’d be right back in his room in a minute so he left the door open on that hinge thingy that hotel doors have to make it so you don’t have to swipe the card to enter. When I got to my room my roommates were there with a bunch of other people from the trip and they were sitting on the floor playing Cards Against Humanity. I had no problem with it and just said to make sure my cards are organized when they finish. When I was going back to the guy’s room I saw Nick (see paragraph with the Lincoln Memorial) going into his room and he said he would come into the guy’s room in a few minutes.

When Nick came into the room we gave him a brief overview of what happened to us that night and he had a story to tell. Earlier in the day he was at the pool and apparently one of the lifeguards was a hot Ukrainian chick so he got her number and they met up when she got off work. They walked to her apartment, four miles away in Virginia, and he said they were having a good conversation. At her apartment her roommate showed up who, according to Nick, was just as hot. They wanted to go get beers at 7-11. While they were walking to the store that they would talk in Ukrainian, look at him and giggle and keep talking to each other and he thought he was in. When they got back to the apartment he claimed that there was no more blood in his head and he was thinking of dead puppies to try to control himself. At the door of her apartment the lifeguard gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, told him goodnight and closed the door in his face. He had to use his phone’s GPS to walk four miles back to DC alone with no reward. He did have a pocket knife which he said he took out at some point when a guy was giving him the creeps and that managed to be the only issue he had walking back, well besides losing his dignity I assume. I asked him if he needed a hug, realizing only later that a hug was probably the last thing he needed after what she did to him. Then the rest of them started talking about past conquests in the bedroom and I was left on the floor scrolling through Meninist’s most recent tweets on Twitter since I haven’t even kissed a guy yet. Eventually Alex joined me on the floor to charge her phone and someone turned the TV onto one of the more recent X-Men movies. Alex eventually moved onto Dan’s bed and they scrolled through their phones looking at pictures of chicks while the rest of us quietly watched the movie or continued scrolling through social media. I moved away from the fridge that I was sitting next to and inbetween the two bed on the floor so I could actually see what was going on in the movie. Chris eventually threw down a pillow (still pronounced pallow by me for my long time readers). At around one in the morning the girls decided that we should go to our respective rooms and all of us get sleep, Alex was already dozing off and I think the guys wanted us out anyways. Dan leaves to room to go to the vending machine to get a snack and we all say good night and walk in our separate ways. When I got to my room the Cards Against Humanity party was just finishing up and a few of the people told me that they loved the game so I informed them they could buy it on Amazon. My roommates showered and around two in the morning all of us we in our beds, scrolling through social media waiting to fall asleep.

Wednesday (holy shit I thought I’d never get here)

I woke up at 7:30ish because I still had to shower and pack my clothes. This time I made sure nothing was on the floor when I was showering. We had until 10:30 to get ready to be on the bus so everyone else in the room was still asleep. I didn’t want to wake them by using the hair dryer so I got myself ready and left the room as quietly as I could to go outside and get myself breakfast. When I got to the lobby of the hotel I saw James, a forensic science senior who just graduated and who tutored the freshmen in the honors program studying forensic science. He was waiting for a friend and they were going to get breakfast so I tagged along. We got to a bagel place but I got myself a fruit salad instead. Walking back they both said how disappointed they were that they didn’t get to see the labs at Quantico since they both were science majors. We ate in the lobby of the hotel and once I finished I told them I had to go pack my stuff and that I’d see them later. When I got to my room my roommates were slowly shuffling out of bed and getting ready for the last day of the trip. I packed my bag and once we were all done we inspected the room to make sure that nobody left anything behind. When I got down the lobby I realized just how bad the used book store was cause my bag was extremely heavy. I sat down on the lobby floor next to Nick and some other people. Nick mentioned that he was really sore and needed a Tylenol. Apparently he went to the hotel gym when he woke up. I said to him “Nick, after the night you just had, why would you go to the gym?” His response was “Suns out, guns out baby.” Eventually Chris and Dan came down and I walked over to them and told them how bad of an idea the used bookstore was, they asked why and when I let them feel my bag Dan exclaimed that it was heavier than I am. Once I was able to, I walked out with a group onto the the bus and I just threw my bag into the bag compartment. On the bus I saw that there was a bag on the seats where Dan was sitting the entire time so I moved it back one hoping the owner of the bag wouldn’t realize because I knew he nor I nor Chris wanted to give up our record of not sitting next to anybody on this trip. Turns out that the bag was from two of my roommates. As it got closer to 10:30 almost everyone was on the bus. I was looking out the window and I saw the girl Sarah walking towards the bag compartment and then I saw the guys running to the bus, mainly so she wouldn’t take their seats. Once everybody was on we headed out for our last stop before home, the Supreme Court.

Out of everything on this trip I was least excited for the Supreme Court visit but at the point I was still so tired and dehydrated from the day before to care. Our bus driver had to drop us off at some bus depot that had a bunch of stores and eatery places. We walked from there to the Supreme Court building. Once we were inside one of the first things I noticed was a giant painting of John Jay. We had to wait around in a lobby for a while and then, after walking in a circle, we found out where a seating room was that was showing this film about the history of the supreme court. Alex, Dan, Chris, and I sat in the very back and I tried to close my eyes to see if I could fall asleep, didn’t work. At some point I cracked my back, neck, and, shoulder for possibly the first time on the trip and Alex who was sitting next to me said something along the lines of “holy shit.” I told her how during the semester in our English class I would always annoy two of our other friends (who weren’t on the trip because they were stuck at school taking the worst possible summer chemistry class ever) that sat next to me by cracking all those joints in class. When the film finally ended we got up and walked to some other part of the building where we had to quietly wait to enter the courtroom where business goes down in the Supreme Court. This dude was giving us an extra insight to what the movie didn’t tell us and I was sitting next to Alex bored out of my mind. When that finally ended we headed to the gift shop but before we got there I saw the bust of a formed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court that had the same last name as one of my friends. Since this dude was mentioned a bunch of times in the I pointed it out to them and they took a picture. At the gift shop I didn’t want to get anything because I spent a bunch of money on stuff in the FBI gift shop and at the bookstore. Dan’s entire mission for this trip was apparently to get a replica of the Bill Of Rights so he could highlight the second amendment (AKA to him as the only one that matters). I found one for him in the poster section. Then Chris and I started hitting each other with this toy gavels. We also saw a book or game called “How to become a lawyer” and I joked saying we should get it for one of our other friends who wasn’t on the trip because he wants to be a lawyer. Finally it was time to head out and we walked back to the bus drop off station. On the way there we passed by a police car that had its hood slightly open. Dan tapped on the window to inform the cop of it and he said that the car overheats.

At the bus station we had about an hour to get lunch and such before we were off. Alex, Anna, and I desperately had to use the bathroom so our group walked around until we found a map that showed us where they were. As we were going down the stairs of this station to get to the restrooms Chris and I started belting out singing as many patriotic songs as we could think of. Anna asked us if we were hold that in for the whole trip and we told her that we were planning on annoying everyone on the bus with them but forgot about it. After fluid waste needs were met we started to look around for what to eat. The others spotted a Japanese food place and I honestly didn’t feel like trying it so I went to the vendor right next it where Tom and a few other people were standing and I got myself a nice “healthy” lunch of Tacobell. I was the last one to sit down at the table and start eating out of my group because I couldn’t figure out where the hell they were. After we finished eating we joked that Dan should get a tramp stamp of the second amendment among other things. Anna was swiping through Tinder and since I was sitting next to her I was judging the guys that showed up along with her. As it gets closer to the time that we needed to head back to the meeting spot we leave our table and start walking. At the meeting spot we were waiting around for the head chaperon to get a call from the bus driver that he was there. My little group saw Tom and his friends attempting to take pictures on a film camera that printed the photo out right away. They were having trouble getting everyone in the photo and it was funny to watch. After a few attempts they gave up and Tom decided he wanted to get Starbucks. A couple minutes after he left the chaperon who was waiting for the bus driver was starting to tell us what we were gonna do from that point and at the end of her spiel we were gonna have another count off to make sure everybody was there. I saw Tom on-line at Starbucks and tried to wave him over but he lifted up his cup either to show he didn’t get his drink yet or he was paying, I’m not sure. When we started the count off we got up to 5 and then had to stop cause he was still on-line. Then he finally ran over towards us and his friends told him to say his number so he shouted six and we were able to move on. Once we got back to the bus Dan and Chris took their seats and their final naps of the trip. The girl who had The Silence Of The Lambs said she found an FYE at the bus station and got a couple more movies so they put on the prequel. I just listened to music and read the rest of To Hell And Back. At some point the head chaperon walked towards the back of the bus to do something and she saw that Dan was sleeping with his hoodie over his head and she looked at me to laugh. When we got somewhere in Jersey we made a pit stop nearby the place we made a pit stop on the way down. It turns out Nick lived nearby there so instead of having to go all the way into The City just to take a train back home we got off and he had his dad pick him up. When we got back on the bus we drove the rest of the way back to school smoothly. The head chaperon gave us some instructions that we had to write a review about the trip so they knew how to improve on it and other trips for next time. I had to relay this information to Chris and Dan when they woke up from their naps. Once we got back to school we got off the bus and stood around trying to get our bags from the bag compartment. Alex wasn’t happy to find out that her bus back to Philly (she had an internship there over the summer) left at 8pm and it was already 8:10, Dan was attempting to get in contact with his mom who was picking him up, and I went over to James to say good-bye to him since he graduated and I wasn’t gonna see him again and he was cool. He told me that he was gonna work as a lab tech at the college but then remembered that I switched out of science and tried to tell me to take a lab course (fuck no). Once Dan figured out where his mom was Chris, Alex, and I said good-bye to him and the three of us walked to the subway station. When I tried to swipe my Metrocard at the turnstile I dropped it so I had to somehow pick it up while carrying my giant and overweight bag, I hit my head on the turnstile as I stood up. Chris and Alex had to take a different train than I did so when mine came I bid them farewell and I was on my way. Mom picked me up and I got home relatively fine.

And that my friends was my trip to DC

Your friend,
And traveling buddy

Who Am I

Hey peeps

It’s been a while since I last posted. More out of my laziness and lack of ideas to post about than anything else. I haven’t been on any great adventures or anything, although I did go to D.C. in June with the Honors Program, I guess if I wanted to I could retell the three day extravaganza. Anywho…

Who am I. That is the title of the post. Why? Well because I am not the best at making titles that make sense, that’s why.

So today an author I follow posted a link that analyzes your writing and finds your personality. So I copy and pasted a bunch of my writings that I had saved from high school, my four page attempt of the next best sci-fi novel, and a bunch of my previous blog posts. And of course to stick true with my blogs name, many of the results contradicted each other. I made two collages that had most of my results, sorry if the font is too small on the photos.

What am i Who am i

Honestly, I don’t know what to make of these. What IS my personality?

Now I have also taken those online personality tests (Myer Briggs and such) and I get ISTJ but each time there is a different percentage for each letter. How accurate can these personality tests be if each time I take them I feel like I can give a different answer or even when I am taking them I am stuck between two choices? Not to mention it is easy for people to make shit up on both the tester and testee side of the test (And I am now just realizing what a bad word choice that was right there). And on another personality test that I have taken a few times, it is one that gives you the percentages of different personality disorders you may have, I am constantly fluctuating between numbers. I used to have high percentages in Schizotypal and Schizoid but now I have close to average in everything. Do personalities really change over time?

And these online test things aren’t the only reason I came up with this title. It’s my lack of true passion in things as well. Hear me out.

I enjoy running, but am I truly a runner? I mean, I don’t save my race bibs, I don’t do other exercises to improve my times, I gladly take every break I can to not run. And yet I refuse to give it up.

I enjoy drumming but am I really a drummer? Or a musician? I mean yeah I have music as my declared minor and I take weekly drum lessons, but I restrain myself and I am too afraid to make mistakes which has dug me into an uncreative hole. I don’t play with other musicians, I can only sight read for rhythm, I don’t know how to write tabs, I honestly don’t care what products I use. And yet I wont let a person I meet got by without mentioning this.

I enjoy reading but am I a reader? I take forEVER to finish books, I sometimes even feel too lazy in moments of boredom to pick up a paperback, I can’t even begin to list the series that I have started and have yet to finish because other things always “get in the way” and yet I even have an entire blog post dedicated to how much I enjoy books.

I am an introvert but not fully it seems. As you know I want to go on adventures, meet new people, and try new things but I contain myself to my little bubble. I have tons of acquaintances and I’d say a good chunk of people who are good friends, and I do want to hang out with them but their more extraverted or busy lives gets in the way, leaving me to the confines of my bedroom (AKA my Hobbit-Hole). And yet after a couple ours with people, even the closest of friends, I feel drained.

There are so many other examples swarming through my head right now but I can’t find the words for all of them. I guess I really am an oxymoron with some things. I really want to know how people are able to find 100% dedication or passion for things they love. I’ll get into conversations with people who might have similar interests as me and find out that I have barely touched the surface with whatever it is. Example? Sci-Fi/Fantasy for instance. No doubt I enjoy those but when talking to true scifi fans I am reminded that I never saw Star Wars or Star Trek, I’ve seen a handful of superhero movies, and I can never give you a summed up version of the lore behind the story. Or when I meet someone else who enjoys rock and metal, you can’t imagine the amount of bands we start listing until we find common ground, and usually by then I try to hide the fact that I actually only listen to 2-3 songs by the common band or that I have been to less concerts than I have fingers. I sometimes wonder if I deserve the “sci-fi fan” or “metalhead” or the other labels listed above. I wonder if any of us can truly be given a label based off of our personalities or things we enjoy.

I am starting to not make sense in my head so I’ll end here and try to figure out how to post this thing with the update WordPress has done to the blog posting options (yes, it’s been a while. I can’t find the Classic option that I like so much more)

Your friend,
Or acquaintance, chum, pal, enemy, foe…

Browsing Books

My people! My post! M- I don’t know where I am going with this.

I wanted to post this yesterday so that you wouldn’t go a month without content from me but instead I went back through old posts to edit them and fix typos. That, and February is a short month so I am sorry.

Anyway. BOOKS! FUN! (And if you’re one of those who do not agree with that statement, scroll down to the paragraph that starts in bold, I have some words for you).

As I have mentioned before I love reading books. I always have ever since I was a little kid. I even work in a library, not that I get a discount or anything because it is a library, but still, BOOKS!

When I was a kid I always read books that had something to do with animals, mainly dogs. I also liked The Magic Treehouse series, Junie B. Jones, Cam Jansen, A to Z Mysteries, Children of the Lamp, but mainly books on dogs. Besides the astronomy books that I couldn’t get enough of in third and fourth grade I never read much in nonfiction. Since that time my tastes have grown and my reading level has matured. However, whenever I have to do work in the children’s section of the library I get happy when I see a book that I remember reading years and years ago.

I also remember back when I was in fifth grade my teacher always assigned us different jobs to do in the classroom. One of the jobs that I was assigned, which was my favorite and lasted until the end of the school year, was organizing the books that we had in the classroom. In elementary school we had a system where books were labeled A-Z based on difficulty and generally students would progress down the alphabet at time went on. My job was to make sure that all the books were in their correct baskets based on their letter. At the end of the school day I would go through each individual basket and make sure no book was misplaced. This must be why I am so good at my job today.

In middle school I started reading a little more fantasy books as well as realistic fiction book. I remember once in 6th or 7th grade we had a section in English class for biographies. I got the book She Said Yes, which is only 100something pages long. However, in that three week time period I never finished it. The next book I read was a 600paged historical fiction book that I finished in about four days. It always amazes me how books that I have no interest towards can take so long to finish.

In 7th grade, when every other girl in the school was obsessed with the Twilight Saga, I started reading my favorite book series ever. The Ranger’s Apprentice by John Flanagan. I still haven’t read the last two books in this series and despite the fact that they are technically children’s book, I will finish the series! After Children of the Lamp, this fantasy series is what made me fall in love with that genre and since then I have read countless amounts of fantasy and sci-fi books. Not surprising after seeing all I have posted about in the past.

In 8th grade I started hanging out with my friends at my local library. We’re the cool kids right? Playing Apples to Apples amongst shelves of books while everyone else around our age went outside to do stuff. I decided to get myself a library card, because for years I didn’t have one, and I started reading so many books from the Young Adult section in the library. Kevin Brooks became one of my favorite authors, as well as Ellen Hopkins, Darren Shan, Kelly Armstrong, Ally Carter, and many more.

In high school I became close with the librarian that we had. I went to the school’s library quite often to take out books or to talk with her about school. In my freshman year one morning when I was looking for something to read I stumbled across a book called Shadows by John Saul. Intrigued by the blurb I decided to take it out and read it. From that moment on John Saul has become my most favorite author and I am still waiting for him to finish writing his next book, but in the meantime I have so many more by him that I have yet to read. He is a suspense/thriller author and his books are pretty creepy but I love them. I would often go after school to the library near my house to take out his books as well as many others, but only when it was in the months that I was able to wear my uniform pants and not the skirt that I abhorred. In my sophomore year of high school I found out that we had a library club and I joined up immediately. I became president of this club almost right away because I was the only one who showed up to all of the meetings. The club was more of a gossip club with the librarian about the other faculty and students but as time moved on we actually did start to read books and discuss them. This was also the year that, after doing my sophomore volunteer service there, I got my job at the library that my friends and I always hung out at in 8th grade. By the end of my sophomore year I decided that it was time I join a majority of the world and plunge myself into the Lord Of The Rings. I took out this brick of a book that had all three books in one from my school library. I wasn’t able to fit it in my school bag so I carried it around and everyone joked that it was my Bible based on its size. It took me five months to finish reading all three books and then another month to finish reading The Hobbit. After that I finally, for the first time in my life, watched the movies. In my sophomore year I also started reading the I Am Number Four series with my best friend (WHO IS STILL ON BOOK TWO AND I FINISHED BOOK FIVE AND GIRL YOU NEED TO READ THE DAMN BOOKS I KNOW YOU READ MY BLOG).

In junior year I started making a list of all the fiction, classic, and nonfiction book I want to read. I can honestly say that this list grows longer and longer all the time, rarely ever do I cross books off the list. Not that that is a bad thing at all. Also this year in my school we had a book fair in the library to get rid of old books to make room for new books. Since I was president of library club I helped out in setting up all the books and this basically meant I got first dibs. Each book was 25 cents and I don’t remember how many books I got, but it was more than enough that I had to keep many of the books in the empty locker below mine for days and take a few home at a time. Books are too damn expensive to be bought in large numbers at a time. In senior year I found out bad news on the day before Thanksgiving break. The beloved librarian in my school was leaving us for a new job at a public elementary school in Brooklyn and it started as soon as we got back from break. This meant no more library club. No more morning chats with the librarian and my friends. I was so upset so I made her a little farewell card out of loose-leaf from one of my notebooks and I got a bunch of other girls who were close to her to sign it. One of my friends noticed that I was legitimately sad about the librarian leaving and asked if I was gonna cry, to which I lied and sucked up my emotions because everyone in my grade for some reason wanted to see me cry. I forgot when but in either my junior or senior year I read what has become my favorite book of all time. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. This book is a combination of fantasy, steampunk, romance, and magic. This is Erin’s debut novel and I cannot wait for her to finish writing her next book. While I was reading this book I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, never knowing what was going to happen next. Also with all the imagery she included I felt that I was actually at the circus, tasting the foods, smelling the smells, hearing the joy and excitement, experiencing the mystical events that occurred in each of the tents. This is the only book I have ever considered re-reading (I am not a big fan of that plus I let my best friend borrow it and she has yet to read it) because it was just so amazing. And in my senior year I read The Golden Compass and the two books of the trilogy that came after that. I finished all three books in a month because it was an amazing series, butchered completely by the movie, as most books are.

I will always read the book before I see the movie/show because I don’t want the movie/show to spoil the book. I know some people who prefer watching the movie/show before picking up the book because it gives them a clearer image of the characters and when they stumble across parts that were not in the director’s version they get excited to see what else there is. I think that is good for them, I just prefer books more and that usually leads to me getting angry at the film/show for not following detail by detail of what happened. Even the Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit films which were as spot on with the book as I could remember had things that weren’t in the books or they left things out and that upset me. The movies are over two hours long each, Peter Jackson, you have enough time to include everything without making up fake story lines.

As you can see books have always been important to me. I just love picking up those dead trees and being magically transported to a new world. However, when it comes to reading for school I usually do not find the same pleasure. As do most students, which is way (I believe) the literary rates in America have gone down so much. In school we are forced to read books that do not interest us and dissect them to find meanings below the surface. As much I love reading, I can never find the deeper meanings of books, which always upsets me because I know I am not getting the full enjoyment of the book. This brings me to my next topic…

NONREADERS, why do you not read? Is it because it bores you? You think there are no books out there that you’ll enjoy? What if I told you that there are books for everyone, not just the stuffy old Jane Austen or John Steinbeck novels you were forced to read in high school? If you skipped down to here then you missed the big part of me writing about how my taste in books grew as I got older. Believe me when I say it, your tastes have changed too. Sure Austen may still be a bore to you, she sure is to me, but that doesn’t mean that the classics are the only books out there. I have read books from all different genres: fantasy, sci-fi, mystery, suspense/thriller, graphic novel/comics, hell even romance. There are so many types of books and I can assure you there is something out there you like. What I want to say is think of the movies and TV shows you like. I am sure there has to be at least some pattern in that. If not, think of things you are passionate about or are just really interested in. You can find fiction and nonfiction books on all of those things. Like sports? There’s a plethora of books on sports. Like cars? Same thing. Like sparkly vampires battling with werewolves for the heart of a teenage girl? You have issues but there are books for you too. Just simply search in Google “Fiction books on (blank)” or “Authors who write about (blank)” and you will find endless options. And don’t feel ashamed if the book is targeted for people younger than you, that only means it will be a faster read. Hell, my favorite book series is a children’s series and I am not afraid to admit it. The more you read the more your tastes will grow and eventually you’ll become a regular at your local library or Barnes and Nobel. Reading leisurely is really an amazing thing and it’ll open you up more. Sure you may not become like one of the freshmen I knew when I was a senior who read at least a book a day, but you may become a book a month or book a week kind of person. You don’t have to continue reading my post/blog now if you want, do what you want with my advice but at least do the Googleing part, you never know what you’ll find. And if you want any suggestions just comment on here.

My brother is a nonreader. However, when he was younger he used to love reading. He read Eragon, almost all of the Harry Potter books, the Artimis Fowl series, I think he read A Series of Unfortunate Events, but most of all he loved reading sports books. His fifth grade teacher told him one day that he shouldn’t read his beloved sports books and choose other types of books to read. This was one of the worst things that a teacher could do to a developing child. Why? Well because he wasn’t allowed to read sports book he decided to not read any books at all. He is turning 22 in a month and I don’t remember the last time I ever saw him read. His teacher took away the joy he had for reading when she should have encouraged him to read those sports books. One day he would have started reading other genres but now that will never happen. That just goes to show you, nurture a child’s habits and eventually it’ll turn into something great.

I really think that everyone should read. I know it is hard to find the time or the right book but I think that everyone should make it a priority to flip through pages of novels. I myself do not read enough, especially not enough non-fiction or books of worth (AKA, the classics) and I am not the fastest of readers, but when I get into a book I am at ease. If any of you want book suggestions, do not be afraid to ask because I love recommending books. And if any of you know of books that you think I should read please tell me, I don’t care what type of book it is I will do my best to read it. I love to discuss books with people but sadly not enough people that I know read the same books that I do. And if you’re a reader who has too many nonreader friends (one is too many) suggest the same advice I gave in my paragraph for nonreaders, they may thank you one day. I feel I could say so much more about book and reading but I think I covered as much as I wanted to.

Your friend,
The book worm

A Year Of Fun

Well hello again people!

Today I received a nice little surprise that I would like to share with you.

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Yes folks, I have been blogging for an entire year now! I knew this day was coming but I was unaware that WordPress would be congratulating me. So first I have to say thank you to WordPress for existing so I can voice my opinion on various topics to whoever feels like listening.

I started this blog after my friend Michelle and her boyfriend made blogs of their own. Michelle has since switched to the new blog that I have linked in her name and he hasn’t posted anything in months. I was considering making a blog for a while but I didn’t think I would ever use it and who would even care to read it. Michelle suggested I go for it anyway and OxyButNotAMoron was born.

It took me some time to think of a creative name for the blog. I knew that I could not dedicate an entire blog to just one thing because I have so many different interests and even though there are a couple of things I am deeply passionate about, there are always people who live, breathe, and sleep their passions and I am not one of those. So I had to choose a title that was general but described what I was about. I had remembered a conversation I had with Michelle one time when we were waiting to go to a cross country meet and I had said that I am an oxymoron with some things. I also was aware that the word “oxymoron” is an oxymoron itself; oxy means sharp and moron means dull. I felt that a good play on words could fit as my blog’s name and thankfully it was not used before (we all know how annoying it is to think of a screen name).

I have changed the layout on this site I don’t know how many times and finally I think that I built it in a way that fits. But that is not to say that this is the permanent layout because when I get bored online I like to rearrange things and maybe I’ll find a layout that I like even more.

Finally to the blog posts. As it can be seen from my first few posts (and probably still to this day) I had no idea what I was doing and even when I thought I had a direction I wanted to go in, halfway through the blog it would be something completely different. Typos are a common occurrence on here because I do not proof read until after I hit publish and re-read my post. Many times I will have something in mind that I wanted to say but by the time I get to a point in the post where it would make sense I have forgotten it. In almost all of my posts I forget something that I feel would have been nice to mention. Every now and then I go back and edit out the typos or add an addition to a post despite the fact that all those who wanted to read it already have. Eventually I may start to get into a routine that works on here and makes it so that I do not forget what I want to say.

To all the people who follow me and actually do read my posts, thank you for wasting your time with me! I really appreciate it. I do not plan on blogging on a regular schedule because I won’t have enough material to post about nor will I remember to stay on schedule when life actually does get in the way. I will just continue to write when I feel the inspiration. Maybe I will try to not got months without anything to give you. No promises. And I guess that is all for now.

Your friend,
For more years to come

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