OxyButNotaMoron

Contradiction is my style

Archive for the tag “school”

Searching For A Job Search

I started planning this a few hours ago when I wasn’t near any type of paper or anything that I could use to write, so it might feel a bit choppy. But I will say that no, I am not currently looking for a job. I enjoy working in the theater. This is about my future.

Yo yo yo yo! (No, I don’t know why I feel the need to start off these posts with some sort of greeting; I just do)

Something that has bothered me for a while is the fact that whenever I think of a potential career option my parents aren’t very supportive of it.

Back in junior and senior year of high school I was going through the normal internal panic that many students face when thinking about college. I had no idea what I was going to study or where I would go to college. My dream since eighth grade has been to be a sound engineer in a recording studio. My parents got it drilled into my mind that a job within the music industry would not be very lucrative and I wouldn’t be happy. So I started looking into different things. But time and time again my parents would shoot down any of my suggestions. Basically, if I wasn’t going into accounting (because I was supposedly decent at math in high school?) my dad wouldn’t be happy and if I wasn’t going into nursing my mom wouldn’t be happy (because I was good at science–or pretended I was–in high school and I liked helping people). The librarian at my high school suggested I study funeral planning because she knew I like horror movies and heavy metal and such. Of course my parents shot this down as well, saying it was too weird despite me trying to tell them I would always have business (kinda scary thought but it’s true). From there I looked up majors similar to funeral planning and somehow found forensic science. Again, my parents weren’t supportive of this but senior year and college applications were rapidly approaching and I needed something. I figured I would do forensic science as my main job and recording on the side. I do remember though filling out some “find a college now” type website and putting audio engineering like I wanted and they called my house a few months after I submitted all my applications and chose my current school and my mom wondered why people we calling me about that. Anyway, that part in italics was a sidenote. I needed something to chose and so I kept pestering my parents to let me study forensic science. It took a long time but they caved. This decision even disappointed my guidance counselor in a meeting to talk about colleges; she knew I wanted to study audio engineering and had already looked into schools for me to apply for that. When I told her I was going to study forensic science she, in her normal fashion where she didn’t actually mean it, scolded me for having her do all that work for nothing.

When I was applying to schools they told me to apply to the local community college and start there incase forensic science didn’t work out. Because I appeased their wishes I couldn’t apply to the Macaulay Honors Program (not too disappointed in that but if I had the same success getting into that as I did getting into all 9 schools I applied to, I’d be going to college for free). When I got into John Jay (the very last school to send their acceptance letter) I told them that I was going there. They still tried to convince me to start at the community college but I wasn’t having it.

Incase you’re new here or you forgot, forensic science lasted about two months and then I switched to my current major, criminology (but I still had to finish my first semester science classes).

Imma stop talking about me for a second and talk about my brother. When he was in college, he switched majors twice. He went into SUNY Cortland to study exercise science to be a physical therapist. That didn’t pan out well. He did horribly in his science classes (worse than I did) but I believe he stayed in it for a full year because my dad would not let him change his major. They had a discussion (where my dad was extremely angry and disappointed in my brother) where my dad eventually agreed to let him change his major. My brother apparently wanted to switch to Fitness Development but my dad wasn’t having any of that. He made my brother switch to business; the major my dad studied in college. He assumed that my brother would have no problem finding a job post college in that major–he was probably completely unaware of the fact that business is the most common major for college students. My brother stayed in the major for a bit but in junior year he pretty much fell into a depression. That year my dad made him become an RA (where my brother got stuck in a freshman dorm). That was an extremely stressful job and topping it with a major that he hated, he had no motivation to do anything. His girlfriend told me that he would just lay on his bed in his room for hours in darkness and wouldn’t want to go out. He even got below a 2.0 GPA for a semester (like the semester GPA, not his overall) during this time. He eventually switched his major to communications, almost causing World War III when my dad found out my brother turned his back on him with business. My brother was able to finish communications very fast and graduated on time. My dad gave my brother some time after college to relax but when he decided it was time, he immediately started forcing my brother to find a job and take all the civil service exams that came up. My brother eventually got a retail job at Under Armor in the city. My brother hates the city. My brother hates commuting. My brother hates the people of New York. My brother hates New York in general. He worked at this job for almost two years. During that time he wanted to sign up for the Army Rangers and was going to until his girlfriend talked him out of it. He never gave up his dream of the military though. Apparently one day, almost a year and a half later, my dad and him had a talk where my dad finally apologized for not letting my brother study what he wanted in college. During this discussion my brother said he was thinking of going back to get a masters in the fitness development program (or something extremely similar). This was good news to my dad. However, that plan didn’t go through because my brother instead went to a Marine recruiter and signed up. He is now in bootcamp (and I really gotta write him a letter). My parents weren’t thrilled at all to hear this but there was nothing they could do. Now they are proud of him and claim to have always supported his dreams and goals. Good thing they were already patriotic, or else who knows what would have happened.

Anyway, back to me (wooo narcissism!) I don’t remember what I wrote in my first post about switching my major (cause that was over two years ago or something and I am sure none of you really remember my exact wording either). But when I first told my dad I wasn’t enjoying forensic science and wanted to switch he got beyond pissed off. After making me cry and telling me I was to stay in science, I didn’t have the guts to tell him that I had already put in the paperwork to officially switch earlier that week. I didn’t tell him until after the semester ended and I told him through a four page long letter with very little emotion but tons of straight up facts as to why this was the best decision for me. He accepted it and finally after months of unbearable tension and silence the house was calm again.

Because of what happened with my brother I knew that criminology had to be the major I graduated with. (Also sidenote, one of my friends in the honors program switched from forensic psychology to fire science and the director of the program told him not to switch again so that also added to my fear that has kept me trapped in my major). In the beginning I thought I was going to be part of the FBI and eventually become a special agent. Well during this past election I saw just how easily the FBI could be corrupted and I also realized that the high stress of law enforcement–or the dull, mind-numbing idea of working a desk job as some analyst or some shit–did not excite me. I lost all interest in working for the FBI; I didn’t even apply to the FBI summer internship for a second time and this of course angered my dad when he found out. So for the past few months I have been in limbo, struggling to think of a career path. To top it off, my 300 level classes in my major made me realize I actually do not give a shit about what I am studying. So basically, college has become what my religion teacher in high said it was for some people, prolonged adolescence. I am basically taking a seat away from someone else who actually (for some reason) wants to study criminology at John Jay.

A couple of months ago I was thinking and I considered social work as a career path. I looked into it and saw that there are some social workers who focus in military families and veterans. I would like that. I have yet to meet a veteran or military personal who I do not like and if I could give back to those people in anyway, I would. However, social work requires you to have a masters degree and take a test to become licensed. I never had any desire in continuing my education past a bachelors (hell, if I am being honest I didn’t even want to do THAT in the first place). Everyone who I have told about this idea, including my parents, have said that social work is a thankless job, very high stress, and low pay. Thanks. Back to the chopping block.

The other day I was thinking security. And I even brought it a step further and thought if I become a security guard in a public school I will technically be working a salary job for the state. Therefore, I should get the benefits from the federal government that my parents oh so want me to get. However, when I told my mom this in the car this morning, she said that it is not a safe job and I should look elsewhere. She suggested being a crossing guard because according to her the job is easy. Thanks.

My piano teacher suggested I go to Baruch for a masters in arts management. I looked at the courses that I would have to take for that and by the names they just sound so much more interesting than anything in criminology (then again, I chose criminology because the course names of like 5-6 classes sounded cool, not that I got a chance to take all of them because I had to take different classes to fill the same requirements of the cool classes due to certain restraints). However, I just know my parents would say “what could you ever do with that?” so I am not even going to bother with this because if they don’t support it, I doubt they will want to support my financial costs.

Thinking further, basically any job that I would get if I were to actually work in something related to my godforsaken major will be unsafe and/or underpaid. If not, then it’s some federal job with high security checks and hoops to go through in applying and extremely competitive. I am at a loss.

Despite all the friends I made and things I have achieved at my college, if I were given the chance to go back to senior year and apply to different schools I am 90% sure I would take it. I would say fuck my parents’ thoughts, I am studying music. It took almost three years for my dad to even understand and accept that I am minoring in music. But honestly, I think I would be so much happier academic-wise if I were majoring in my dream. I just found a YouTube channel today by some guy who has a masters in music composition and just hearing him talk about music theory made me ecstatic. I wish I could understand it more but I never had any advanced classes in music theory (thanks to my school solely focusing on criminal justice, which is cool but still very limiting). I really want to make the time to teach myself this stuff–music theory, audio programs, and new instruments. But of course I gotta focus on my career, which I don’t know if I’ll ever have.

I have to start working on my senior thesis and I am dreading it. Not because it is a big project (although that is a big portion of it), but because I cannot stand my major and I don’t care about sociological stuff (criminology is basically sociology but with a focus in crime, criminals, and the criminal justice system). My project isn’t focusing on those three things because you cannot pay to me pretend to care about prisons and prisoners at this point, but instead it is going to be about the struggled veterans face on returning home from being deployed. I only realized after making that my project that I might have a difficult time doing research because why would veterans want to talk to an undergrad about their personal issues? From what I’ve read so far they don’t always even want to talk to profession psychologists and such about that. But hopefully my capstone mentor (who I gotta email :/) can help with that. No this little rant isn’t important to the overall point of the post but it is right there with my current struggles and stressors.

So back to jobs. WTF am I going to do? Everyone always suggests ideas for me, many of which I have little-to-no interest in even researching, never mind actually doing. My parents want me in some government base where I go to work in a dress suit ever day and work in some air conditioned cubical, earning a salary and benefits from a job I care little about. Sure that’s what my dad has done for almost 30 years and even though I see how much it has helped financially, I see how miserable it makes him and how much he hates working for the court system. I never wanted to work in the courts, after all the countless time I attended Bring Your Daughter To Work Day (the judge in charge of it was a huge feminist and apparently didn’t want to deal with the sons but eventually they had to add the boys in the following day because god-forbid little boys and girls socialize together.) My dad wants me to start looking into the same civil service and court tests that he made my brother take. I’ll go through the motions but I really have no interest in getting a job as a court assistant or anything.

Another thing I want to mention is if you enjoy your major I am both so proud and envious of you. I see all my friends who are actively pursuing their dreams and I love seeing their joy when talking about classes, internships, and (for some) job opportunities they have taken. I really do hope that all of my friends (and everyone in general) end up working in a job that they love. I just wish I could do the same. Keep on building that résumé friends! I want to see you succeed in your dreams because I am pretty sure I’ll never be able to do mine.

With graduation rapidly approaching I am already experiencing the “what’s after college” questions and I honestly don’t know how to answer them anymore. I usually joke when people ask “What are you going to do after graduation?” by saying “cry” but I have a feeling that soon I won’t really be joking about that anymore. I haven’t done internships (because I always end up putting my eggs in one basket and hoping I get the one or two summer internships I apply for, but never have), I don’t know what kind of job I could do related to my major that I won’t hate everyday, I don’t know what other fields to look into that could be lucrative but also enjoyable for me, and I don’t know what kind of job I can pick that will get my parents approval. And I know that in this economy (of what little I know about economics) that I can’t just get married and move to the midwest as I also commonly joke. Maybe one day I’ll figure something out.

Your friend,
Lost in a pile of cutout classifieds

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The Return

Hello lovelies,

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Since my last post (which I briefly skimmed to try to refresh me on where my mind was at last time I wrote) I have done so much and yet it feels like so little. I actually forgot about my blog (I took the link off of my Twitter and Facebooks when I did my several social media purges last year) and I also for some reason stopped receiving emails whenever a blog I followed posted an update. So time went by and I saw no reason to blog. You know what that means right? No? Yes? Maybe? Yeah you in the back, speak up! Eh, it means it’s time for another super long post!

This post is going to be all over the place. This post is gonna be filled with grammatical errors and types like usual. This post is (possibly) gonna go deeper into my head than I have before. Now before we jump right in I’ll give a warning, I have no idea if/when I’ll post again so, as usual, don’t expect this to be a normal occurrence. Just know I love all of you for taking the time to read my words; for the <10 of you that aren’t my friends IRL and are reading this, I don’t know what made you click subscribe but I appreciate it. And to those of you who are friends with me in person or somewhere, you may know some of this but time to learn more about me.

Since I’ve Been Gone

Well since my last post I eventually started up my second semester of sophomore year in college. I remember barely training for my (first) half-marathon and finishing that in 2:18:43. I’m hoping to do another one soon. I remember learning (slightly) more about politics and (especially after the situation from my last post) coming to the realization that I am a conservative. I know this may upset people, so I will shut up after the next sentence about politics. I am proud of who I am and I am open minded to others opinion, not that it’ll change mine without hard facts, but at the same time I know my place and I realize I have a lot to learn to defend my own stances and therefore I stay quiet whenever things come up that I know I cannot argue.

I made it through this second semester with four As and a B+ (which annoyed me greatly because all we did in that class was watch movies and I wrote word for word what my professor wanted in the papers but she even told my friend who had her in the next semester that she doesn’t like giving out As; I’ve pushed that class aside). I didn’t take any amazing classes that semester but I did enjoy myself. I took the second half of a class that trains students to be writing tutors at my school’s writing center. I enjoyed it somewhat but at the same time I never felt 100% comfortable while tutoring so when I was offered a paid position I kindly refused. I also took a class which was about the sociology of the family and it was interesting, despite the full 99 pages of notes I copied in that class. My honors class was a good one with a professor who specializes in corrections and rehabilitation/re-entry programs. That woman is one of the kindest ladies I ever met and she truly cares for every student that walks through her classroom doors. She is a pure sweetheart and after the troubles I had the semester before, she was a breath of fresh air. And I also took the first of two Spanish classes that I needed to take. I had an easy professor and in both of my classes I some how got an A (I took him again in the next semester), but I didn’t really learn much Spanish.

I had fun with friends throughout the spring and summer, if only briefly, and I met plenty of new people. I started training for cross country during the summer but I had such a weak mental game which crossed over into the first month or so of my season. I felt like I was running more as an obligation for my team rather than out of joy. I had a pretty weak season but eventually this mentality went away and I was able to get back into the groove.

During the summer I went on the honors program trip to Pennsylvania (oh my god I spelt that right on the first try). We went white-water rafting (where I had to save my friend Dan after he fell off the raft, despite him being a good 50 pounds heavier than me), we visited the Eastern State Penitentiary (ok so I can spell Pennsylvania right the first time but I can’t spell a word I hear all the time in school correctly? Damn you!), we visited some sciencey museum, we walked around Philly (my friends and I joke that we joined a cult because we stopped and listened to this pseudo-religious group’s live concert in a park at night), and we went to Hershey Park (but it rained that day so most of the rides weren’t working). It wasn’t as adventurous as DC but it was still a great time with my friends.

I also took a summer course (something about research methods) for three weeks because I had no interest in having a heavy work load during the fall semester with cross country season. It went fine and I am glad I didn’t take that class for 15 weeks because that would have been miserable. I also took an online winter course (literature) which I am glad I took in the winter because I would have no been able to balance all the reading and work for that class along with 3-4 other courses at the same time for 15 weeks.

Jumping backwards, during July at work (did I tell you I left the library and now work as an usher in a theater? Yes no maybe? Well now you know) we had Lincoln Center Festival which is three weeks of intense work. Shows non-stop day after day after day. It was pretty cool and I got a pretty pay check at the end of it all. I ended up working on my birthday because I 1. don’t care about my birthday and 2. wanted to take off the week after because my favorite band was coming to NYC. Somehow I made it through that crazy non-stop work. I did go to the Viking’s exhibit at the Discovery Museum on my birthday with my family before work but nothing else exciting happened.

And now I get to see my favorite band, Starkill, live for the first time ever. I was following this band for years, since 2011 before they were signed and back when they were called Massakren. Whenever they came to NYC I either was working, was too young for the venue they were at, or I had my drum lessons. The band had recently started doing live streams on Facebook and, as usual, I was very interactive with commenting and such. When my friend Dan and I get to the show (his first concert if you don’t count Warped Tour which his now-ex miserably dragged him to the year before) it was awesome. The energy was high and all of the bands slayed (of course I will be biased and say Starkill had the most energy). After the show we went down to the merch area and Starkill does all their own stuff cause they are broke and can’t afford roadies. Dan and I talk to the rhythm guitarist for a while and he is a really down to Earth dude who just loves what he does (the whole band is actually). I wanted to buy a shirt but sadly they had no girlie tees. I then talked to the lead guitarist/vocalist and I told him how awesome the show was and that I’d been wanting to see them for ages. He then goes “Does your name happen to be Michelle?” and I say yes so he tells me he has to give me a hug (which he did) because he knew that I had been wanting to see them for years. That is probably my favorite concert moment ever because these guys care so much about their craft and their fans that they happened to recognize their fans at shows. They are the best and I will support them forever.

Anywho, back to school we go. Cross country season is going decently and I am only taking four classes because I realized I usually do worse during the fall semester (and one of them is online so once the season ended I had a wide open schedule).

Through the honors program I was given the chance to have free private piano lessons with Caroline Stoessinger, a world renowned pianist, author, professor, and who knows what else except that this woman is amazing and so patient when it come to teaching me. I am so grateful for these lessons and I am learning more and more about music every time.

My classes trudge on by (I was also taking MUS 120, which is a piano class, with one of my favorite professors) and expect for my music class I really don’t care about any of them. My online class was cool, The Sociology of Violence, but my honors class and my Spanish class were drags. I made it out of the semester all right (with a lot of stress at the end though when everything got piled up) and had my best semester yet (3 As and and A-, also if you are wondering, I got As in my winter and summer classes).

Towards the end of the semester there were some shifts in work in regards to who is working where and my manager asked me to be her administrative assistant so ya girl has an extra experience position now on her resume. Other than that, not too much happened. I went to another concert with Dan to see Huntress, Sabaton, and Trivium (he left with his buddy after Sabaton and I stayed for Trivium. So glad I did because I hadn’t listened to them before and now I am a fan, they were AMAZING! And the crowd was insane, I almost had someone break my glasses by smashing into me). I also went to a Children of Bodom concert during finals with one of my teammates because it was an early Christmas present from my mom. It was alright but I had seen them twice before and we were both stressed and tired from final so we left early (there was also a way too strong odor of weed floating around the venue which bothered us both).

Holidays passed, I enjoyed time with friends, suffered through time with family. Oh, an update on them, my brother is joining the Marine Corps. He reports to boot camp in May.

I went on a one day ski trip with the Honors Program during January. It was fun, my friends and I had a blast. Other than that January was uneventful with work and my lit class (actually, that’s a lie. I started working out doing strength training so I can hopefully be fast in my final cross country season and there was another thing that came up that I think I’ll save for a separate post–yes you’ll actually be getting more of me soon enough).

Now the current semester (the second part of my junior year) begins and OH. MY. GOD. am I stressed every day. I am back to taking five classes, three of which are 300-level sociology courses to just about finish my major. All of them have professors who claimed they wanna treat us like graduate students (which is just torture). I am also talking an online history class that has work due twice a week and my textbook never arrived for that class so every week I am in the library scanning the next chapter I need to read. My only oasis is my songwriting course. In one sociology class I have to write a 20 page grant proposal for my final and I only just recently thought of a potential idea (well, ideas. I am gonna be using this professor as my capstone mentor for my honors senior thesis and so I am gonna base THAT on whatever I make my grant proposal, less work for me. My three ides are 1. The troubles veterans face re-integrating in civilian life, 2. Substance abuse in veterans, or 3. The affects on marriage from the military) so I am still panicking about that. My second sociology course wants us to write a 15-20 page research paper on anything to do with social order (again, gonna do something with military but I can’t think of anything and i hate that course because I can’t think or understand abstract/philosophical thoughts). And in my last sociology course my professor doesn’t teach us. At all. She either reads from a page she already gave us, has a guest speaker, or has us present on the readings we were supposed to read. It is so boring and that makes me sad because the topic is penology (basically, the study of prisons from a sociological stand point) and it could be so interesting but she makes it so meh. It is an easy A though, so that is good. Some how I will survive until May. Because after this semester I just need to take one more class for my major, two more for my minor, one more honors class and I am done with my requirements! I do have to take two extra classes in fall just so I can be a full time student while I am a student-athlete. I wanted to pick up a writing minor but the requirements changed before I added it and now I can’t do it because the courses I need are barely available. I will take a creative writing course though just for fun.

I am also heavily stressing about post-bachelors Michelle. I just recently started to consider social work (focusing on veterans and military families) but I’m not sure because I have been so adamant about not wanting to go to grad-school and I need a MSW for that (plus it is low pay for high stress). I realized that federal law enforcement would not be something that I am passionate about enough to go to work every day. I am at such a loss of what I will do when I graduate that I am both excited and dreading May 2018 when I walk across the stage in my cap and gown.

Winding down, I got to see Starkill again in February (Dan got the day of the show mixed up so I actually went to my first solo concert) and again the guitarist recognized me; he even added me as a friend on Facebook after the show! I got a hoodie because again they did not have girlie tees (I scolded the guitarist for that). I’ve been able to work a lot (mo’ money mo’ happy) and enjoy time with my friends.

I’m planning on having another post sometime this week about a topic I’ve purposely avoided for a while since I had my blog linked to my other social media (all of which will be explained there) but now that nobody can trace this (easily) back to me, I see no reason to hold back.

Now you’ve been caught up, basically, with my life since my last post. Any more updates? Hmm, I have become obsessed with hot chocolate (no joke)…… I really can’t think of anything that I haven’t touched on already or will touch on soon. So for now, I will bid you all farewell. Thank you for waiting patiently at your computers for me to emerge from the darkness, I know my silence has been killing you. I hope my stay isn’t short but no promises. Until next time

Your friend,
Who hasn’t forgotten about you

Moving Forward

Hey peoples

In my time that I was absent from blogging I dealt with a stressful situation in school with a professor that I will not go into detail because only now do I see how immature it is to vent my problems all over social media and to anyone who would listen. Not that I didn’t know that before but my emotions took over my actions these past few months and lead to me tweeting vague but angry tweets, saying crap in group chats and in person, writing a few cringe worthy emails, and I’m pretty sure just being a nuisance to my friends and family. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to anyone I upset, made feel uncomfortable, or even hurt during this time. If you choose not to forgive me, I understand. My immaturity is inexcusable. I do not deserve any pity “Oh Michelle we all do things we regret when we are upset” comments because no, those who are mature don’t become cowards like me and hide behind a screen or vent to everyone. They address the cause of their problems head on and in proper ways.

I originally was planning on making this post another long rant where I painted my professor as the devil my hate-filled self saw her as. I was going to claim that that would be the way I would end my problem and claim that this was how I was going to move on. I realize now just how wrong and stupid that idea is. Writing a public post that portrayed me as a victim to the “abuse of power” my professor used (actual words I wrote in an email to my advisers) would only make me become part of the type of people that I dislike the most. I am responsible for my own actions and now I am realizing that I acted wrong.

I had a meeting earlier today with my advisers and I brought up all of the things I saw as issues. I cried as my own anger and stress came pouring out. They were able to bring me back to reality and inform me of what could have been done and what could be done. They informed me that, despite how it seemed when I vented to my peers, I actually stood alone in my fight. In fact, it turns out more people were against me than with me. My advisers told me to take a week to relax and reflect and on Monday give a final decision of what I want to do moving forward. After that meeting I got myself a KitKat (my favorite candy) and went for a walk in Central Park. During that walk I shocked myself by feeling my mind wander to my freshman and senior year religion teacher from high school (same teacher for both years). One of her biggest lessons that she constantly taught about was forgiveness. Back when I was sitting in her class I thought that was she was teaching was useless, especially since I do not believe in God (sorry folks). I thought that what she was teaching was only applicable if you were looking for your soul to be forgiven by Jesus. now I see that she had a point. One of her favorite quotes to use what “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I thought that quote was stupid at the time but now I see what she means. My professor will move on. She will enjoy time with her family, she will teach more classes, and she will live a life that I can only assume is happy (we never know what anyone is going through) while I will continue to shudder at the thought of her and continue to rant and rave about how terrible I think she is. What good would that do? My professor will never feel or be affected by my anger. It would only be me who is hurting. I have to move on. I have to let go. I have to heal.

Like I said, I have until Monday to decide on some things that I discussed in my meeting. My emotions are too raw right now to come to a wise decision. However, as of now I think my final decision will be to just let this go. As of now i can say that I don’t ever want to talk or even see my professor again but maybe in a year or so I will decide that it is time to confront her. I feel like “confront” is the wrong word to use though. It just sounds too aggressive. I guess “discuss with” would be the better phrase. Let time heal my (and her, if she has any) grievances. Or maybe I will eventually just forget the whole issue and move on happily. What I need to do now is work on forgiving my professor and myself. As I said before, I handled the situation immaturely and maybe it will come back to bite me in the butt. I have to accept this as a consequence for acting when I wasn’t thinking straight. I am as much at fault as I feel my professor was. Does this all mean that in a few months her and I will be getting coffee every Tuesday and brunch on Saturdays? No. (I don’t even drink coffee.) I may never even bring myself to look her in the eye again. I just need to man up and let go.

It really amazes me how much crying, talking to people who aren’t a part of a situation and are much more knowledgeable, and just taking a walk can change a perspective that was so firm for so long. I wrote this entire post on a notepad while I was traveling home (first time I ever did that, usually I just freewrite in the New Post box) and as I am almost at my stop I feel I feel slightly better than I did when I went into the city today. From wanting to make the whole world imagine a woman they never met as evil incarnate to opening myself up to all of you, the change is quite noticeable. I think I will be able to work my way to happiness once again. I still have a long way to go but this journey will be more quieter than my original fight of anger and grief. I want to do my best to promise everyone that I will no longer make complaints or comments on social media or in person about this situation. I no longer want to burden anyone. This isn’t me trying to bottle my emotions away, cause anyone who was around me these past few months knows that is the last thing I did. No, this is me trying to finally let go. I told the right people about how I felt and it helped me to get here. I need more internal reflection to continue to move on.

I want to say that if you ever have a problem with someone, which you will at some point cause we all do, just address them. I didn’t because I am a coward and I no longer want to be one. I also don’t want anyone else to be a coward because it does nothing but make you look bad and it will never help you. So for now I would like to send a mental thank you note to my old religion teacher and end my post, not bitter as I was originally planning, but with hope. Thank you all.

Your friend,
Who is trying to find the rainbow after the storm

Time

Hello all you lovely people,

It’s been a while since my last post; I know this. Why you ask? I can give you many reasons. My laziness, school getting in the way, me forgetting I have a blog, and me just not having anything interesting to talk about. That sums it up basically. Let’s move on.

Time is such a fickle concept. As it moves on things change and there isn’t much to do about it. You meet people and you either stay in contact all the time or lose touch over time. You gain interests and develop skills or passions over time or you grow tired and bored of them and they become distant memories. It is all on how you manage your time.

And I am bad at time management.

I sit for hours a day doing absolutely nothing of what I want and never change my ways. And yet I wonder where all my time goes. I talk to some people on almost a daily basis and don’t give time to others that I care about. And yet I wish for the day that I’ll get back into contact with old friends.

During the semester I try to focus all my energy on school but still end up wasting so many hours and stressing towards my deadlines.

I never really end up having the time to do things that I want like reading for pleasure, reading blog posts from blogs I follow (I am so many months behind on all of them because I just gave up during the semester and I plan to read everything now), watching shows I enjoy, working out, practicing my drums, and enjoying myself with friends. I just stare at the computer screen for too long and make no progress on anything. And I hate this but I know I wont change myself after making this post.

I’ve made friends and lost contact with those people so rapidly because I don’t dedicate the time they deserve to me.

And in keeping with time, I worry too much about my future. I feel like I have to do so much right now in my life just to be able to give myself a bright future. I have to get internships and straight As or I wont be successful, or so it seems. But as time moves on, these things become harder to accomplish.

It is already 2016 and this year I will be turning 20. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have almost already lived two full decades. I don’t ever remember sometimes that I turned 19 or that 2015 was as long as a year should be.

Time is just strange to me. And as you can tell by how jumbled and short my statements are, I can’t even fully analyze my thoughts on time. It just flies by, for better or worse, and you can never turn back. A quote I’ve heard many times is “This moment is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” It’s amazing how true that quote is.

I’m looking back on my post that I made at the end of 2014 about goals I wanted to achieve during 2015. Since I have been a ghost for the most part of 2015 I guess I’ll tell you all what I accomplished and what I didn’t. I finally did get a medal in cross country. I was so happy that day that for the first time that I can remember I had legit tears of happiness in my eyes. I have improved my GPA. It’s not awesome like I had hoped for but I am up to a 3.35 now, so I am still in the honors program. I have improved my writing somewhat thanks to the first half of a two semester course that I am taking that is training me to be a tutor in the writing center at my school. You probably can’t tell though from my blogs because I just free write here and I always see mistakes only after hitting publish. I read some books, but nowhere nearly enough to where I want to be. I do use a website called Goodreads to keep track of my books and all that I want to read. Socialize more? I think I did the same amount as I usually do (maybe slightly more but I am often found in my hobbit hole aka room). Leave my comfort zone more? I did try new things, whether it be food or whatnot, but no where near enough. I’m just permanently stuck inside my bubble of comfort. Everything else I planned for 2015 was basically a bust. Like I said before, I am terrible at time management and I never get around to what I want to do. I just do things that temporarily bring me joy.

In 2015 though I did get a new job (and finally left the library after four years), I met so many new people, and I had fun. I’ve heard many people (via shared facebook posts of tumblr posts) claim that 2015 was a terrible year and I disagree. While it wasn’t the best year in my life, I can’t say it was the worst. I still have so much time ahead of me and I just wish I knew how to make the most of it.

I really don’t have too much else to say. I just wanted you all to know that I am still alive and well. Posts will still be coming, as infrequently as they do. And I hope that you all make the best of the time you have laid out for you.

Your friend,
For all of time

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