In my time that I was absent from blogging I dealt with a stressful situation in school with a professor that I will not go into detail because only now do I see how immature it is to vent my problems all over social media and to anyone who would listen. Not that I didn’t know that before but my emotions took over my actions these past few months and lead to me tweeting vague but angry tweets, saying crap in group chats and in person, writing a few cringe worthy emails, and I’m pretty sure just being a nuisance to my friends and family. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to anyone I upset, made feel uncomfortable, or even hurt during this time. If you choose not to forgive me, I understand. My immaturity is inexcusable. I do not deserve any pity “Oh Michelle we all do things we regret when we are upset” comments because no, those who are mature don’t become cowards like me and hide behind a screen or vent to everyone. They address the cause of their problems head on and in proper ways.
I originally was planning on making this post another long rant where I painted my professor as the devil my hate-filled self saw her as. I was going to claim that that would be the way I would end my problem and claim that this was how I was going to move on. I realize now just how wrong and stupid that idea is. Writing a public post that portrayed me as a victim to the “abuse of power” my professor used (actual words I wrote in an email to my advisers) would only make me become part of the type of people that I dislike the most. I am responsible for my own actions and now I am realizing that I acted wrong.
I had a meeting earlier today with my advisers and I brought up all of the things I saw as issues. I cried as my own anger and stress came pouring out. They were able to bring me back to reality and inform me of what could have been done and what could be done. They informed me that, despite how it seemed when I vented to my peers, I actually stood alone in my fight. In fact, it turns out more people were against me than with me. My advisers told me to take a week to relax and reflect and on Monday give a final decision of what I want to do moving forward. After that meeting I got myself a KitKat (my favorite candy) and went for a walk in Central Park. During that walk I shocked myself by feeling my mind wander to my freshman and senior year religion teacher from high school (same teacher for both years). One of her biggest lessons that she constantly taught about was forgiveness. Back when I was sitting in her class I thought that was she was teaching was useless, especially since I do not believe in God (sorry folks). I thought that what she was teaching was only applicable if you were looking for your soul to be forgiven by Jesus. now I see that she had a point. One of her favorite quotes to use what “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I thought that quote was stupid at the time but now I see what she means. My professor will move on. She will enjoy time with her family, she will teach more classes, and she will live a life that I can only assume is happy (we never know what anyone is going through) while I will continue to shudder at the thought of her and continue to rant and rave about how terrible I think she is. What good would that do? My professor will never feel or be affected by my anger. It would only be me who is hurting. I have to move on. I have to let go. I have to heal.
Like I said, I have until Monday to decide on some things that I discussed in my meeting. My emotions are too raw right now to come to a wise decision. However, as of now I think my final decision will be to just let this go. As of now i can say that I don’t ever want to talk or even see my professor again but maybe in a year or so I will decide that it is time to confront her. I feel like “confront” is the wrong word to use though. It just sounds too aggressive. I guess “discuss with” would be the better phrase. Let time heal my (and her, if she has any) grievances. Or maybe I will eventually just forget the whole issue and move on happily. What I need to do now is work on forgiving my professor and myself. As I said before, I handled the situation immaturely and maybe it will come back to bite me in the butt. I have to accept this as a consequence for acting when I wasn’t thinking straight. I am as much at fault as I feel my professor was. Does this all mean that in a few months her and I will be getting coffee every Tuesday and brunch on Saturdays? No. (I don’t even drink coffee.) I may never even bring myself to look her in the eye again. I just need to man up and let go.
It really amazes me how much crying, talking to people who aren’t a part of a situation and are much more knowledgeable, and just taking a walk can change a perspective that was so firm for so long. I wrote this entire post on a notepad while I was traveling home (first time I ever did that, usually I just freewrite in the New Post box) and as I am almost at my stop I feel I feel slightly better than I did when I went into the city today. From wanting to make the whole world imagine a woman they never met as evil incarnate to opening myself up to all of you, the change is quite noticeable. I think I will be able to work my way to happiness once again. I still have a long way to go but this journey will be more quieter than my original fight of anger and grief. I want to do my best to promise everyone that I will no longer make complaints or comments on social media or in person about this situation. I no longer want to burden anyone. This isn’t me trying to bottle my emotions away, cause anyone who was around me these past few months knows that is the last thing I did. No, this is me trying to finally let go. I told the right people about how I felt and it helped me to get here. I need more internal reflection to continue to move on.
I want to say that if you ever have a problem with someone, which you will at some point cause we all do, just address them. I didn’t because I am a coward and I no longer want to be one. I also don’t want anyone else to be a coward because it does nothing but make you look bad and it will never help you. So for now I would like to send a mental thank you note to my old religion teacher and end my post, not bitter as I was originally planning, but with hope. Thank you all.
Who is trying to find the rainbow after the storm