Contradiction is my style

Archive for the category “Thoughts and rambles”

Searching For A Job Search

I started planning this a few hours ago when I wasn’t near any type of paper or anything that I could use to write, so it might feel a bit choppy. But I will say that no, I am not currently looking for a job. I enjoy working in the theater. This is about my future.

Yo yo yo yo! (No, I don’t know why I feel the need to start off these posts with some sort of greeting; I just do)

Something that has bothered me for a while is the fact that whenever I think of a potential career option my parents aren’t very supportive of it.

Back in junior and senior year of high school I was going through the normal internal panic that many students face when thinking about college. I had no idea what I was going to study or where I would go to college. My dream since eighth grade has been to be a sound engineer in a recording studio. My parents got it drilled into my mind that a job within the music industry would not be very lucrative and I wouldn’t be happy. So I started looking into different things. But time and time again my parents would shoot down any of my suggestions. Basically, if I wasn’t going into accounting (because I was supposedly decent at math in high school?) my dad wouldn’t be happy and if I wasn’t going into nursing my mom wouldn’t be happy (because I was good at science–or pretended I was–in high school and I liked helping people). The librarian at my high school suggested I study funeral planning because she knew I like horror movies and heavy metal and such. Of course my parents shot this down as well, saying it was too weird despite me trying to tell them I would always have business (kinda scary thought but it’s true). From there I looked up majors similar to funeral planning and somehow found forensic science. Again, my parents weren’t supportive of this but senior year and college applications were rapidly approaching and I needed something. I figured I would do forensic science as my main job and recording on the side. I do remember though filling out some “find a college now” type website and putting audio engineering like I wanted and they called my house a few months after I submitted all my applications and chose my current school and my mom wondered why people we calling me about that. Anyway, that part in italics was a sidenote. I needed something to chose and so I kept pestering my parents to let me study forensic science. It took a long time but they caved. This decision even disappointed my guidance counselor in a meeting to talk about colleges; she knew I wanted to study audio engineering and had already looked into schools for me to apply for that. When I told her I was going to study forensic science she, in her normal fashion where she didn’t actually mean it, scolded me for having her do all that work for nothing.

When I was applying to schools they told me to apply to the local community college and start there incase forensic science didn’t work out. Because I appeased their wishes I couldn’t apply to the Macaulay Honors Program (not too disappointed in that but if I had the same success getting into that as I did getting into all 9 schools I applied to, I’d be going to college for free). When I got into John Jay (the very last school to send their acceptance letter) I told them that I was going there. They still tried to convince me to start at the community college but I wasn’t having it.

Incase you’re new here or you forgot, forensic science lasted about two months and then I switched to my current major, criminology (but I still had to finish my first semester science classes).

Imma stop talking about me for a second and talk about my brother. When he was in college, he switched majors twice. He went into SUNY Cortland to study exercise science to be a physical therapist. That didn’t pan out well. He did horribly in his science classes (worse than I did) but I believe he stayed in it for a full year because my dad would not let him change his major. They had a discussion (where my dad was extremely angry and disappointed in my brother) where my dad eventually agreed to let him change his major. My brother apparently wanted to switch to Fitness Development but my dad wasn’t having any of that. He made my brother switch to business; the major my dad studied in college. He assumed that my brother would have no problem finding a job post college in that major–he was probably completely unaware of the fact that business is the most common major for college students. My brother stayed in the major for a bit but in junior year he pretty much fell into a depression. That year my dad made him become an RA (where my brother got stuck in a freshman dorm). That was an extremely stressful job and topping it with a major that he hated, he had no motivation to do anything. His girlfriend told me that he would just lay on his bed in his room for hours in darkness and wouldn’t want to go out. He even got below a 2.0 GPA for a semester (like the semester GPA, not his overall) during this time. He eventually switched his major to communications, almost causing World War III when my dad found out my brother turned his back on him with business. My brother was able to finish communications very fast and graduated on time. My dad gave my brother some time after college to relax but when he decided it was time, he immediately started forcing my brother to find a job and take all the civil service exams that came up. My brother eventually got a retail job at Under Armor in the city. My brother hates the city. My brother hates commuting. My brother hates the people of New York. My brother hates New York in general. He worked at this job for almost two years. During that time he wanted to sign up for the Army Rangers and was going to until his girlfriend talked him out of it. He never gave up his dream of the military though. Apparently one day, almost a year and a half later, my dad and him had a talk where my dad finally apologized for not letting my brother study what he wanted in college. During this discussion my brother said he was thinking of going back to get a masters in the fitness development program (or something extremely similar). This was good news to my dad. However, that plan didn’t go through because my brother instead went to a Marine recruiter and signed up. He is now in bootcamp (and I really gotta write him a letter). My parents weren’t thrilled at all to hear this but there was nothing they could do. Now they are proud of him and claim to have always supported his dreams and goals. Good thing they were already patriotic, or else who knows what would have happened.

Anyway, back to me (wooo narcissism!) I don’t remember what I wrote in my first post about switching my major (cause that was over two years ago or something and I am sure none of you really remember my exact wording either). But when I first told my dad I wasn’t enjoying forensic science and wanted to switch he got beyond pissed off. After making me cry and telling me I was to stay in science, I didn’t have the guts to tell him that I had already put in the paperwork to officially switch earlier that week. I didn’t tell him until after the semester ended and I told him through a four page long letter with very little emotion but tons of straight up facts as to why this was the best decision for me. He accepted it and finally after months of unbearable tension and silence the house was calm again.

Because of what happened with my brother I knew that criminology had to be the major I graduated with. (Also sidenote, one of my friends in the honors program switched from forensic psychology to fire science and the director of the program told him not to switch again so that also added to my fear that has kept me trapped in my major). In the beginning I thought I was going to be part of the FBI and eventually become a special agent. Well during this past election I saw just how easily the FBI could be corrupted and I also realized that the high stress of law enforcement–or the dull, mind-numbing idea of working a desk job as some analyst or some shit–did not excite me. I lost all interest in working for the FBI; I didn’t even apply to the FBI summer internship for a second time and this of course angered my dad when he found out. So for the past few months I have been in limbo, struggling to think of a career path. To top it off, my 300 level classes in my major made me realize I actually do not give a shit about what I am studying. So basically, college has become what my religion teacher in high said it was for some people, prolonged adolescence. I am basically taking a seat away from someone else who actually (for some reason) wants to study criminology at John Jay.

A couple of months ago I was thinking and I considered social work as a career path. I looked into it and saw that there are some social workers who focus in military families and veterans. I would like that. I have yet to meet a veteran or military personal who I do not like and if I could give back to those people in anyway, I would. However, social work requires you to have a masters degree and take a test to become licensed. I never had any desire in continuing my education past a bachelors (hell, if I am being honest I didn’t even want to do THAT in the first place). Everyone who I have told about this idea, including my parents, have said that social work is a thankless job, very high stress, and low pay. Thanks. Back to the chopping block.

The other day I was thinking security. And I even brought it a step further and thought if I become a security guard in a public school I will technically be working a salary job for the state. Therefore, I should get the benefits from the federal government that my parents oh so want me to get. However, when I told my mom this in the car this morning, she said that it is not a safe job and I should look elsewhere. She suggested being a crossing guard because according to her the job is easy. Thanks.

My piano teacher suggested I go to Baruch for a masters in arts management. I looked at the courses that I would have to take for that and by the names they just sound so much more interesting than anything in criminology (then again, I chose criminology because the course names of like 5-6 classes sounded cool, not that I got a chance to take all of them because I had to take different classes to fill the same requirements of the cool classes due to certain restraints). However, I just know my parents would say “what could you ever do with that?” so I am not even going to bother with this because if they don’t support it, I doubt they will want to support my financial costs.

Thinking further, basically any job that I would get if I were to actually work in something related to my godforsaken major will be unsafe and/or underpaid. If not, then it’s some federal job with high security checks and hoops to go through in applying and extremely competitive. I am at a loss.

Despite all the friends I made and things I have achieved at my college, if I were given the chance to go back to senior year and apply to different schools I am 90% sure I would take it. I would say fuck my parents’ thoughts, I am studying music. It took almost three years for my dad to even understand and accept that I am minoring in music. But honestly, I think I would be so much happier academic-wise if I were majoring in my dream. I just found a YouTube channel today by some guy who has a masters in music composition and just hearing him talk about music theory made me ecstatic. I wish I could understand it more but I never had any advanced classes in music theory (thanks to my school solely focusing on criminal justice, which is cool but still very limiting). I really want to make the time to teach myself this stuff–music theory, audio programs, and new instruments. But of course I gotta focus on my career, which I don’t know if I’ll ever have.

I have to start working on my senior thesis and I am dreading it. Not because it is a big project (although that is a big portion of it), but because I cannot stand my major and I don’t care about sociological stuff (criminology is basically sociology but with a focus in crime, criminals, and the criminal justice system). My project isn’t focusing on those three things because you cannot pay to me pretend to care about prisons and prisoners at this point, but instead it is going to be about the struggled veterans face on returning home from being deployed. I only realized after making that my project that I might have a difficult time doing research because why would veterans want to talk to an undergrad about their personal issues? From what I’ve read so far they don’t always even want to talk to profession psychologists and such about that. But hopefully my capstone mentor (who I gotta email :/) can help with that. No this little rant isn’t important to the overall point of the post but it is right there with my current struggles and stressors.

So back to jobs. WTF am I going to do? Everyone always suggests ideas for me, many of which I have little-to-no interest in even researching, never mind actually doing. My parents want me in some government base where I go to work in a dress suit ever day and work in some air conditioned cubical, earning a salary and benefits from a job I care little about. Sure that’s what my dad has done for almost 30 years and even though I see how much it has helped financially, I see how miserable it makes him and how much he hates working for the court system. I never wanted to work in the courts, after all the countless time I attended Bring Your Daughter To Work Day (the judge in charge of it was a huge feminist and apparently didn’t want to deal with the sons but eventually they had to add the boys in the following day because god-forbid little boys and girls socialize together.) My dad wants me to start looking into the same civil service and court tests that he made my brother take. I’ll go through the motions but I really have no interest in getting a job as a court assistant or anything.

Another thing I want to mention is if you enjoy your major I am both so proud and envious of you. I see all my friends who are actively pursuing their dreams and I love seeing their joy when talking about classes, internships, and (for some) job opportunities they have taken. I really do hope that all of my friends (and everyone in general) end up working in a job that they love. I just wish I could do the same. Keep on building that résumé friends! I want to see you succeed in your dreams because I am pretty sure I’ll never be able to do mine.

With graduation rapidly approaching I am already experiencing the “what’s after college” questions and I honestly don’t know how to answer them anymore. I usually joke when people ask “What are you going to do after graduation?” by saying “cry” but I have a feeling that soon I won’t really be joking about that anymore. I haven’t done internships (because I always end up putting my eggs in one basket and hoping I get the one or two summer internships I apply for, but never have), I don’t know what kind of job I could do related to my major that I won’t hate everyday, I don’t know what other fields to look into that could be lucrative but also enjoyable for me, and I don’t know what kind of job I can pick that will get my parents approval. And I know that in this economy (of what little I know about economics) that I can’t just get married and move to the midwest as I also commonly joke. Maybe one day I’ll figure something out.

Your friend,
Lost in a pile of cutout classifieds


Boys Boys Boys

Back so soon, Michelle? Hell yeah. Let’s get back into this writing thing!

I, no joke, just posted my last blog, ate a handful of Cheez-Its, took a shower, and now I am back to typing.

As mentioned in my last post, there has been a topic I’ve been avoiding (as far as I can remember, I don’t think I’ve really posted about this) and that is boys and my failure of luck with them. I didn’t want to talk about this while I had my blog linked to my other social media because I don’t really like sharing my feelings about guys from a fear of rejection and ruining friendships. But now I wanna be open because it is something I want to talk about. So put on your seatbelts because it’s gonna be a hella of a ride (maybe)!

I want to start off by saying I have never kissed a boy. I have never had any type of sexual interaction with a boy. I have never been in a relationship. If you count hugs as a step in the right direction then at least I have that. I have only been on two dates (which will be explained later) and that was when I was 18 (I am turning 21 this year). However, I’ve been lucky enough to never doubt my sexuality because from an early age I knew I was attracted to boys. I always tried to like the things my brother did or other boys did because I thought that was how I would get their attention–I figured “what guy likes dolls, princesses, and make-up? If I want a boy to like me I have to like sports and monster trucks!” Which I did. I have since learned that a guy should like me for who I am and I shouldn’t alter my interests for him, but I still don’t care for dolls, make-up, or princesses.

Anywho, since I had an older brother I knew the whole “boys have cooties” was a myth. My brother was clean so that means all the other boys were too! This mentality lead me to having my first crush in pre-k. Don’t remember his name but it’s not important. Every school year (Pre-k, kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, etc.) I would be in a new class with new people (thanks to the overcrowding of NYC public schools) so every year I would have a new crush on a different boy. I would actually spend the first few minutes of my first day in each grade looking around the room for the cutest boy and deciding he was going to be my new crush. I would never do anything about these little crushes. I might tell my best friend of the time (each year until 6th grade where I met my actual best friend, Allison–HEY GIRL–I would have a new best friend in each class) that I liked said boy. I would become friends with him and talk to him during lunch and whenever I could, but ya girl was always too shy to make a move. A couple of these crushes I would find out some time in the school year that he liked a different girl and that would make me sad and I would stop liking him. I do remember the summer either before or after 3rd grade my family and I went on a trip to Cape Cod and in the cottage area or whatever it was that we were staying in there was a boy a year older than me that I had a crush on and my brother noticed (although he didn’t tell me until after the trip when I never saw that guy again) and teased me about it one day.

I’m gonna start my story early, in 5th grade. For some reason, people started dating at this time. We were only 10 years old! What the hell are 10 year olds gonna do? Whatever. I had a crush on one guy in my class like usual and I remember there were only 8 girls and 16 guys in this class by the end of the school year. I, as usual, told the girl who I considered my best friend that I liked said guy. She would tease me about it and claim that she was gonna tell him, which scared me more than anything. I ended up also telling another girl in my class about it. About a week later she told me that she had started to develop a crush on him too, which made me mad but I tried to keep that in. By the time the school year was coming to an end apparently my “best friend” had told the other girls in the class about it and they would question me. We had a 5th grade prom (now this was before I was the crazy, dancing queen party animal that I am now so I sat down the entire time, refusing the dance because “dancing is stupid”) and I remember the girl who said she was also getting feelings for my crush wanted to go with him but I didn’t want her to. My “best friend” on the day of the prom when we were all taking pictures in the classroom before going to the venue tried to force me to take a photo with my crush but by that point I was just so angry with everyone that I said no. I was leaning back in my chair reading a book (cause I am a badass) and she pulled my chair down so I fell to the floor. I didn’t let that phase me. I am glad this girl is out of my life.

I move on to middle school (which overall is just misery because middle school aged tweens/teens/kids are the worst and I was way too shy in an overcrowded building). My 6th grade crush and I sit next to each other in some classes and talk sometimes but as usual only a select few people know and I never make a move. In my middle school every Valentine’s Day you can buy a teddy bear or candy for someone. Turns out my crush bought a teddy bear for some other girl in my class so that ends my feelings.

Seventh grade. This is where I started listening to metal and I was reunited with a friend from pre-k/kindergarten who is still one of my closest friends today. Anyway, in the beginning of the semester I got a crush on a new guy, as usual, and I told one girl who I thought I was friends with but then started acting a bit like my 5th grade “friend” so I stopped hanging out with her and I lied, telling her I was no longer interested in the guy. So me and the guy it takes some time but we finally become friends and this is also the time where I make a Facebook so we add each other. We start talking every day and I tell my old and dear friend about my crush (and she tells me about hers from where she went to karate) and we talk about our plans about how we’re gonna get them. So anyway, day by day things go well and I really think this guy likes me back. On the second to last day of 7th grade (which happened to both be his birthday and the day Michael Jackson died) I am walking to class with my friend and my crush is a little behind us with his friend. Down the hall comes a girl from another class who I am acquainted with and she sees my crush. She goes “Hey [boy]! Did you ask Anna out?” My heart sinks. I can’t hear his reply, luckily she is loud enough that I don’t have to. “YOU DID?!!?” And that officially end my chances with him. I go through the rest of that day and the next barely making eye contact or talking to him because I am just so hurt. I told my friend later that day what I overheard because she didn’t hear it and she was angry with me. Luckily this guy ended up transferring during 8th grade so I didn’t see him again (although sometimes when I run in the morning in the summer I think I see him in the park with his mom but I doubt he remembers me).

8th grade. My least favorite year of middle school. While there was a cute guy in my class I just wasn’t really looking for a crush this year. I did end up becoming friends with one guy in my class (who ended up coming out of the closest a year later). For the first month or so he was one of the only people in my class that I talked to because I was upset about being in that class (it was one of the remedial classes and the teachers treated us differently, especially my English teacher). Everyone in my class started making fun of me and this guy, saying that we were going out and all that. It bothered me so much. I would yell at them, saying we weren’t together, which only made the situation worse because they saw how much it bothered me. I decided to stop talking to this guy altogether and he became friends with some other girl who transferred into my class from a different class so they started making fun of the two of them. I dreaded going to school every day during 8th grade because even though the people eventually stopped teasing me, I never felt included with them and it wasn’t until the middle to end of the school year when a few people noticed I was good at tests and willing to let people cheat off me that they started being nice to me. During this time I also was going to some test prep for the Catholic high school exam and there was a kinda cute boy in my section but he was in a different class in my school and I never got to talk to him so it was a useless crush.

Now we get into high school. I am sure I have mentioned before that I went to an all-girls school so I had no chance of finding a boy there. I did go to a school dance with our brother school but again, this was before I started actually dancing at dances so I stayed off to the side with friends the entire time. I did see one guy I thought was cute but I never approached him because I was too shy.

I got my job at the library in my sophomore year of high school and there was one guy working there a couple of years older than me. From the time sheets I learned his name and being the internet savvy person I am, I found his social media and stalked it. I never talked to this guy (yeah somehow we worked together without ever having a conversation) and he eventually quit. Also during sophomore year I joined cross country and my teammates and I would oogle the guys on the boys teams but we never approached them (at least I didn’t).

The summer between sophomore year and junior year of high school I was on the computer and saw an ad for a game called Lord of Ultima. I joined and in the game you need to be part of an alliance to advance. I joined one and spent my whole summer playing this game. During the school year I stopped but I still talked to one guy from my alliance online (he found my other social media because I used the same username for everything). He was three years older than me and a really nice guy but (please, do not hate me, I cannot help this) I am just not attracted to African-American guys. I only saw him as a friend. He on the other hand fell for me. At first I thought he was just being nice but I remember one time (during my senior year actually) he direct messaged me on Twitter when he was drunk saying “what would you do if I told you I love you?” (with improper grammar due to the alcohol but that isn’t important). I was so shaken up and I had no idea how to respond. So I didn’t. I avoided Twitter for two weeks because I didn’t know how to react. He ended up messaging me on YouTube (not unusual, this was before Google bought them and the layout was different and you could actually message people and we talked often on there) basically apologizing for being direct and I apologized for being rude but I told him that I just didn’t see him that way and he understood. We stayed friends for a while but eventually drifted apart. I hope all is well for him.

During my junior year I got a new coworker at the library. I remember the first day I met him. I was so mad because I originally wasn’t supposed to be working that day and I was supposed to see Starkill in concert but something happened on tour and the venue had to change to a 21+ place, I was only 16 at the time. So I go to work, grumbling silently about how I have to miss the show and now I have to meet the new guy. The moment I see him I think “holy shit he is hot.” He introduces himself to me but being the super shy person I am it actually took a while for me to build up the courage to start talking to him at work after that. He was only a year older than me and we eventually exchanged numbers. We would text every night until the wee hours of the morning. This guys was your basic “bad boy” (or rather, Queens-based Italian douche that I later came to learn). He was a mystery and I couldn’t resist developing a big ol’ crush on him. I would be so nervous talking to him, my voice and entire body would shake and I had trouble making my thoughts into clear words. This eventually died down. We hung out once at his house; we played pool (his pool table is outside and I ended up getting 36 mosquito bites on my legs), darts in his room and then we watched tv. When I left I thought things were great. A couple weeks later I found out that he just recently dumped his girlfriend and this crushed me a bit. I realized the entire time that we were talking he had a girlfriend. I tried to get over him but the crush stayed. At least until I found out about a couple of months later that he had a new girlfriend. My window of opportunity (if there was one) was closed. It still took time for me to not have feelings towards him but I never tried anything because I know a guy with a girl is off limits. This whole situation disappointed me. I had actually Googled “how to flirt” and “how to tell if he likes you” countless times before I realized things were hopeless. I am still trying to figure it all out. But regardless, I was not disappointed to finally leave him behind when I left my job at the library. As I said, I realized that his “bad boy” nature was actually unattractive and that alls he really had was looks.

Now we get into college. I was ready to meet guys left and right and find myself a boyfriend (spoiler alert, still waiting). So on the day of freshman orientation I have to stay for a meeting with this scholarship I got into with forensic science (haha, remember those days). We were assigned seating at specific tables and there was a transfer student–a junior–at my table. We were talking and he seemed like a nice guy. He said he would offer to lend me some program that was needed for the upper level science classes. So I found him on Facebook and added him. He randomly started messaging me a couple days later and I thought nothing of it. I was talking with one of my friends from high school one night at the same time I was talking to him. He ended up saying to me that he thought my voice was sexy (which I find hard to believe because, like anyone else who has heard their voice in recordings before, I hate how my voice sounds) and asked me out. I wasn’t particularly interested in him so I asked my friend in the middle of our conversation “HOLY SHIT BIANCA A BOY JUST ASKED ME OUT WHAT DO I DO?!?!?” And she told me to say yes and see how it goes, so I did. Now during the first week of class I was super busy with forensic science meetings, cross country/student athlete meetings, and honors classes that I didn’t have much time to message him back and he thought I was ignoring him. I ended up saying to him one day on Facebook “I’ve been really busy and I don’t know when I’ll be able to go on this date.” and he told me it was all right because he was talking to a girl in the dorm across from him. My friends were actually angrier than I was at this. Since I wasn’t particularly interested in him I was glad he found someone else to be with and I was able to go by without stressing. They eventually broke up and he asked me out again as a rebound that same week but I ignored the text because I am not a rebound.

I would see some cute guys around often but they weren’t guys I was close to or they ended up getting girlfriends which made them off limits. Around November I met a guy a year ahead of me in the Macaulay program at my school. We started talking and since he was so nice (and since this was when I was still into metal-looking guys with long hair) I thought I had feelings for him. He asked me out and I accepted. On the first date we went to a diner next to school and it was a total drag. Either he would reuse the same exact conversation points we had on Facebook, or he would say weird stuff. He didn’t have much table manners (talking with food in his mouth and such) and whenever I did try to make conversation or tell a joke he would have no response (not joking, he would be totally silent). We walked through Central but at some point I had to call it done and go home. My mom encouraged me to go on another date so I did. This time we went to the movies. We got there an hour before the movie he wanted to see so we sat and waited. Again, whenever I tried to make conversation he would have no responses. I was actually happy when the movie started (even though it sucked) because we at least had a reason to not talk. We actually had a conversation about the weather during our hour wait (it was snowing if you are curious). When I got home I decided that I did not want to go out again with him. I ended up ghosting him which made me feel like a bitch because, lets face it, it is a bitchy thing to do and he did not deserve that. If I were to change one thing about my college experience it’s that  I would have told him somehow that I was no longer interested.

During my second semester freshman year I had a couple of classes with cute guys (my economics class had an actual male-model until he decided to drop the course). In my sociology 101 class I sat next to the cutest guy in the class and we would talk sometimes but I eventually learned he wasn’t interested. In my music class there was a guy who sat in the back of the room that I eventually stated talking to and I helped him on our take home final. He was from the country Georgia (funny enough, so was the sociology guy) and he was in America for seven years at that time by himself so I knew he was much older than me. He seemed interested but I was wary about the age gap that after the semester ended we didn’t talk again.

In between freshman and sophomore year of college my best friend introduced me to a game called Town of Salem. I played it often (and still do time to time). On there I met another guy. We ended up talking a lot and exchanged numbers. We talked every day and when we added each other on Facebook both of us admitted to finding the other cute. This guy was a frat bro that vaped but he was smart too, he was in college for mechanical engineering. I was sad that he lived states away in Delaware but we still talked often and neither of us could understand how the other was never in a relationship. However, when the school year started he ended up ghosting me (karma is real people). We talked again briefly towards the end of the semester but that was when the whole problem with my professor was at its peak that I think I spooked him away when I vented to him about her. I remember texting him one day and he did the whole “new phone who dis” thing and when I told him who I was he said he’d text me back later cause he was busy. If I cared I’d say I am still waiting for that text. He either deleted his own Facebook or blocked me. And recently I noticed he deleted me as a friend on Town of Salem. Ah well, he vaped so no big loss.

Around the time that that guy ghosted me was when cross country started again and I had a new teammate on the men’s team. He was nice and a good runner. I tried flirting with him from the start and it seemed like he was flirting back with me. Even a couple of my teammates noticed. However, it turned out he had a girlfriend. But, for the first time, I tried to not let that stop me and I kept flirting for a bit. Eventually though I realized that was stupid so I stopped. He and his girl eventually broke up but I was over him at that point.

Also, on one of the first days of classes the honors program had a welcome back lunch. At this event all new and returning honors students were welcome. I was seated at a table with my friends and into the room walks in an extremely attractive guy. By the time he came into the room there were no more seats and I was tempted to call him over but I didn’t because 1. I had no idea who he was, 2. I am shy as all hell, and 3. I didn’t want my friends to be like “wtf Michelle.” I ended up not seeing him again until December (after I got over my teammate) at an ice-skating cultural event. I was there with my friend but at some point my friend started skating around and helping others get over their fear of the ice (cause he could skate) so I caught up with Mr. Attractive and he seemed chill. It turns out we have the same political views (rare in my school). But I didn’t introduce myself because I knew his name already (the honors program has a wall with all our names and pictures on plaques). I didn’t see him again until the spring semester started and I of course stalked his social media. I told my friends I had a crush on him and they tried to encourage me to talk to him but none of them helped like they claimed they would. Whenever i did talk to him he didn’t seem to interested and always busy with school work. It wasn’t until the middle of fall semester junior year that I gave up trying since I rarely saw him and he wouldn’t talk (but he is still very attractive and he hangs out in the honors lounge more this semester so if he says wassup, I’m good 😉 )

After I finally stopped stalking that guy I wanted nothing more than to be done with guys for a while; but of course feelings happen. I was waiting for my Spanish class one day and I noticed a guy who is a year ahead of my in the honors program leaving the class (he had the same professor just an hour earlier). I was barely acquaintances with him but we knew each other so I said hi and he tried to give me an answer on the test (I couldn’t hear what he said and got it wrong lol). He messaged me on Facebook a few days later asking for homework for the class. We started talking every day and I quickly developed feelings. He invited me to his midterm for a counseling class where he had to give a presentation and he was so happy I made it. We studied for our Spanish midterm together. In the beginning of December the honors program had  a Christmas party where the students getting the free piano lessons had to preform (aka me and 4 other peeps). So I asked him if he was going and he was really considering it. He actually invited me to lunch at a burger place nearby school earlier that day. However, when the day came he told me he was just gonna stay home because he had papers to write. I was a bit down but I still had fun at the party. We still talked every day. The night before our Spanish final we talked on the phone going over what we thought we had to study and we made plans to study together in the honors lounge in the morning. So we study more and then we have time to kill so we start watching YouTube videos. We move to the small lounge because the director of the honors program tells us we are being too loud. In the small lounge we were sitting on one of the couches and I realized at some point that I was almost resting my head on him but I was too scared so I held it up. After the final I waited for him to finish and I was planning on telling him my feelings before I went to a meeting. Of course I chickened out but I did say “after finals would you want to go out sometime?” meaning a date but I couldn’t even bring myself to say that word. It took me a moment to even blurt out that question and in that moment I saw his face drop but then he picked up and said “oh yeah, the burger place! Just remind me!” and that was that. Between finals ending and the start of January I helped him do work with a professor for his thesis and I also looked over his grad school applications. He really appreciated this and would often compliment me, saying I am smart and finny and such. In January we agree to meet up at the burger place and he offers to pay (although I cover the tip because no guy should be broke for me). We walk to the subway and he hugs me goodbye (and during the entire walk there I feel him bumping my arm with his and the whole time we are having good conversation). He had to go back to school and later that day he messaged me saying he felt bad just leaving me there at the subway but I assured him it was alright. We meet up again for lunch at a place a little closer to school during January and again I think all is well. Some guy on the bus tried flirting with me after the second lunch and when he asked if I had a boyfriend I claimed that his guy was even though we weren’t just because I believed 100% that we were going to move a step further into dating. We still talked every day and it really seemed like he is flirting. We planned to have one more lunch before the semester started but he had to cancel because he had a meeting with financial aid. So starts the semester and the talking slows down a bit because we both have our plates full. The weekend before Valentine’s rolls around and I am planning on telling him my feelings this time with a cheesy Valentine card that I made in a microsoft paint knock off using the album cover image for his favorite song. However, I see he is tagged in a group Valentine date photo. He messages me that day and it is confirmed, he went on a date. I am crushed. I decide “ok, time to start talking to him less and with less emotion now.” However, on Valentines he messages me wishing me a nice day and telling me “You’re smart, beautiful, wonderful, any guy would be lucky to have you” and so much more. It really messed with my head and I asked two friends for advice. They told me to see if he really is dating that other chick. So me and the guy don’t talk much during the week and I am still being a bit flirty. I consider writing him a ballsy message just admitting everything but then I see on their other social media that they are, in fact, official. I delete my message that was never sent and now I truly am talking to him less and less. He still messages me because we were so close during those few months that we were talking and I don’t have the heart to say “go away” but I am talking less out of respect for his relationship and my own sanity. [Edit]: I forgot to add, I am not mad at him at all. More so, I am mad at myself for being blinded by his kindness and confusing it for flirting. One day I’ll learn how to distinguish the difference but his kinds words reminded me too much of what the other guys who actually were somewhat interested in me would say/do. I don’t want to hold this against him, he is a genuinely nice guy with a good heart. I just need to get a handle of myself. I have gotten over him for the most part since I realized I had no chance. He still messages me once in a while but I am less active to respond because I want to slowly fizzle this out. He deserves happiness as much as I do, and he’ll be happier with her than with me. :[End edit].

And there you have it. My entire (lack of) love life. I may have omitted a guy or two out of non-importance or whatever, but that’s it. After the ordeal with the most recent guy I read a book I was supposed to read for one of my classes last year (and never did but it seemed interesting) and even though I am not exactly the target demographic and it was a bit extreme, I did take away some stuff from it. For now I just want to work on surviving the semester because I honestly don’t have time to commit to a person right now. I want to work on bettering myself more so for me. As you have just read, I’ve spent just about my whole life with my head always in the clouds, day dreaming about this boy or that guy. I want to focus on me. Make myself better emotionally and personally so I can handle another “rejection” (I use quotes because none of these guys really rejected me). I also want to make myself better so that the lucky son of a gun who ends up with me will be proud to call me his girlfriend. I know relationships aren’t everything. For the longest time it bothered me so much that I was single my whole life without even a kiss but now I have come to terms with the fact. I accept it as it and I own it. No need to be ashamed of myself. I know eventually I will find a guy who is as interested in me as I am him and hopefully it’ll work out. But for now, Imma be me and just enjoy time without wondering what so-and-so is doing at that hour. I hope this wasn’t a bore, I think it is one of (if not the) longest pieces I wrote. But I just had to get it all out there with as many details as I could.

Your friend,
The hopefulbuthopeless romantic

Moving Forward

Hey peoples

In my time that I was absent from blogging I dealt with a stressful situation in school with a professor that I will not go into detail because only now do I see how immature it is to vent my problems all over social media and to anyone who would listen. Not that I didn’t know that before but my emotions took over my actions these past few months and lead to me tweeting vague but angry tweets, saying crap in group chats and in person, writing a few cringe worthy emails, and I’m pretty sure just being a nuisance to my friends and family. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to anyone I upset, made feel uncomfortable, or even hurt during this time. If you choose not to forgive me, I understand. My immaturity is inexcusable. I do not deserve any pity “Oh Michelle we all do things we regret when we are upset” comments because no, those who are mature don’t become cowards like me and hide behind a screen or vent to everyone. They address the cause of their problems head on and in proper ways.

I originally was planning on making this post another long rant where I painted my professor as the devil my hate-filled self saw her as. I was going to claim that that would be the way I would end my problem and claim that this was how I was going to move on. I realize now just how wrong and stupid that idea is. Writing a public post that portrayed me as a victim to the “abuse of power” my professor used (actual words I wrote in an email to my advisers) would only make me become part of the type of people that I dislike the most. I am responsible for my own actions and now I am realizing that I acted wrong.

I had a meeting earlier today with my advisers and I brought up all of the things I saw as issues. I cried as my own anger and stress came pouring out. They were able to bring me back to reality and inform me of what could have been done and what could be done. They informed me that, despite how it seemed when I vented to my peers, I actually stood alone in my fight. In fact, it turns out more people were against me than with me. My advisers told me to take a week to relax and reflect and on Monday give a final decision of what I want to do moving forward. After that meeting I got myself a KitKat (my favorite candy) and went for a walk in Central Park. During that walk I shocked myself by feeling my mind wander to my freshman and senior year religion teacher from high school (same teacher for both years). One of her biggest lessons that she constantly taught about was forgiveness. Back when I was sitting in her class I thought that was she was teaching was useless, especially since I do not believe in God (sorry folks). I thought that what she was teaching was only applicable if you were looking for your soul to be forgiven by Jesus. now I see that she had a point. One of her favorite quotes to use what “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I thought that quote was stupid at the time but now I see what she means. My professor will move on. She will enjoy time with her family, she will teach more classes, and she will live a life that I can only assume is happy (we never know what anyone is going through) while I will continue to shudder at the thought of her and continue to rant and rave about how terrible I think she is. What good would that do? My professor will never feel or be affected by my anger. It would only be me who is hurting. I have to move on. I have to let go. I have to heal.

Like I said, I have until Monday to decide on some things that I discussed in my meeting. My emotions are too raw right now to come to a wise decision. However, as of now I think my final decision will be to just let this go. As of now i can say that I don’t ever want to talk or even see my professor again but maybe in a year or so I will decide that it is time to confront her. I feel like “confront” is the wrong word to use though. It just sounds too aggressive. I guess “discuss with” would be the better phrase. Let time heal my (and her, if she has any) grievances. Or maybe I will eventually just forget the whole issue and move on happily. What I need to do now is work on forgiving my professor and myself. As I said before, I handled the situation immaturely and maybe it will come back to bite me in the butt. I have to accept this as a consequence for acting when I wasn’t thinking straight. I am as much at fault as I feel my professor was. Does this all mean that in a few months her and I will be getting coffee every Tuesday and brunch on Saturdays? No. (I don’t even drink coffee.) I may never even bring myself to look her in the eye again. I just need to man up and let go.

It really amazes me how much crying, talking to people who aren’t a part of a situation and are much more knowledgeable, and just taking a walk can change a perspective that was so firm for so long. I wrote this entire post on a notepad while I was traveling home (first time I ever did that, usually I just freewrite in the New Post box) and as I am almost at my stop I feel I feel slightly better than I did when I went into the city today. From wanting to make the whole world imagine a woman they never met as evil incarnate to opening myself up to all of you, the change is quite noticeable. I think I will be able to work my way to happiness once again. I still have a long way to go but this journey will be more quieter than my original fight of anger and grief. I want to do my best to promise everyone that I will no longer make complaints or comments on social media or in person about this situation. I no longer want to burden anyone. This isn’t me trying to bottle my emotions away, cause anyone who was around me these past few months knows that is the last thing I did. No, this is me trying to finally let go. I told the right people about how I felt and it helped me to get here. I need more internal reflection to continue to move on.

I want to say that if you ever have a problem with someone, which you will at some point cause we all do, just address them. I didn’t because I am a coward and I no longer want to be one. I also don’t want anyone else to be a coward because it does nothing but make you look bad and it will never help you. So for now I would like to send a mental thank you note to my old religion teacher and end my post, not bitter as I was originally planning, but with hope. Thank you all.

Your friend,
Who is trying to find the rainbow after the storm


Hello all you lovely people,

It’s been a while since my last post; I know this. Why you ask? I can give you many reasons. My laziness, school getting in the way, me forgetting I have a blog, and me just not having anything interesting to talk about. That sums it up basically. Let’s move on.

Time is such a fickle concept. As it moves on things change and there isn’t much to do about it. You meet people and you either stay in contact all the time or lose touch over time. You gain interests and develop skills or passions over time or you grow tired and bored of them and they become distant memories. It is all on how you manage your time.

And I am bad at time management.

I sit for hours a day doing absolutely nothing of what I want and never change my ways. And yet I wonder where all my time goes. I talk to some people on almost a daily basis and don’t give time to others that I care about. And yet I wish for the day that I’ll get back into contact with old friends.

During the semester I try to focus all my energy on school but still end up wasting so many hours and stressing towards my deadlines.

I never really end up having the time to do things that I want like reading for pleasure, reading blog posts from blogs I follow (I am so many months behind on all of them because I just gave up during the semester and I plan to read everything now), watching shows I enjoy, working out, practicing my drums, and enjoying myself with friends. I just stare at the computer screen for too long and make no progress on anything. And I hate this but I know I wont change myself after making this post.

I’ve made friends and lost contact with those people so rapidly because I don’t dedicate the time they deserve to me.

And in keeping with time, I worry too much about my future. I feel like I have to do so much right now in my life just to be able to give myself a bright future. I have to get internships and straight As or I wont be successful, or so it seems. But as time moves on, these things become harder to accomplish.

It is already 2016 and this year I will be turning 20. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have almost already lived two full decades. I don’t ever remember sometimes that I turned 19 or that 2015 was as long as a year should be.

Time is just strange to me. And as you can tell by how jumbled and short my statements are, I can’t even fully analyze my thoughts on time. It just flies by, for better or worse, and you can never turn back. A quote I’ve heard many times is “This moment is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” It’s amazing how true that quote is.

I’m looking back on my post that I made at the end of 2014 about goals I wanted to achieve during 2015. Since I have been a ghost for the most part of 2015 I guess I’ll tell you all what I accomplished and what I didn’t. I finally did get a medal in cross country. I was so happy that day that for the first time that I can remember I had legit tears of happiness in my eyes. I have improved my GPA. It’s not awesome like I had hoped for but I am up to a 3.35 now, so I am still in the honors program. I have improved my writing somewhat thanks to the first half of a two semester course that I am taking that is training me to be a tutor in the writing center at my school. You probably can’t tell though from my blogs because I just free write here and I always see mistakes only after hitting publish. I read some books, but nowhere nearly enough to where I want to be. I do use a website called Goodreads to keep track of my books and all that I want to read. Socialize more? I think I did the same amount as I usually do (maybe slightly more but I am often found in my hobbit hole aka room). Leave my comfort zone more? I did try new things, whether it be food or whatnot, but no where near enough. I’m just permanently stuck inside my bubble of comfort. Everything else I planned for 2015 was basically a bust. Like I said before, I am terrible at time management and I never get around to what I want to do. I just do things that temporarily bring me joy.

In 2015 though I did get a new job (and finally left the library after four years), I met so many new people, and I had fun. I’ve heard many people (via shared facebook posts of tumblr posts) claim that 2015 was a terrible year and I disagree. While it wasn’t the best year in my life, I can’t say it was the worst. I still have so much time ahead of me and I just wish I knew how to make the most of it.

I really don’t have too much else to say. I just wanted you all to know that I am still alive and well. Posts will still be coming, as infrequently as they do. And I hope that you all make the best of the time you have laid out for you.

Your friend,
For all of time

Who Am I

Hey peeps

It’s been a while since I last posted. More out of my laziness and lack of ideas to post about than anything else. I haven’t been on any great adventures or anything, although I did go to D.C. in June with the Honors Program, I guess if I wanted to I could retell the three day extravaganza. Anywho…

Who am I. That is the title of the post. Why? Well because I am not the best at making titles that make sense, that’s why.

So today an author I follow posted a link that analyzes your writing and finds your personality. So I copy and pasted a bunch of my writings that I had saved from high school, my four page attempt of the next best sci-fi novel, and a bunch of my previous blog posts. And of course to stick true with my blogs name, many of the results contradicted each other. I made two collages that had most of my results, sorry if the font is too small on the photos.

What am i Who am i

Honestly, I don’t know what to make of these. What IS my personality?

Now I have also taken those online personality tests (Myer Briggs and such) and I get ISTJ but each time there is a different percentage for each letter. How accurate can these personality tests be if each time I take them I feel like I can give a different answer or even when I am taking them I am stuck between two choices? Not to mention it is easy for people to make shit up on both the tester and testee side of the test (And I am now just realizing what a bad word choice that was right there). And on another personality test that I have taken a few times, it is one that gives you the percentages of different personality disorders you may have, I am constantly fluctuating between numbers. I used to have high percentages in Schizotypal and Schizoid but now I have close to average in everything. Do personalities really change over time?

And these online test things aren’t the only reason I came up with this title. It’s my lack of true passion in things as well. Hear me out.

I enjoy running, but am I truly a runner? I mean, I don’t save my race bibs, I don’t do other exercises to improve my times, I gladly take every break I can to not run. And yet I refuse to give it up.

I enjoy drumming but am I really a drummer? Or a musician? I mean yeah I have music as my declared minor and I take weekly drum lessons, but I restrain myself and I am too afraid to make mistakes which has dug me into an uncreative hole. I don’t play with other musicians, I can only sight read for rhythm, I don’t know how to write tabs, I honestly don’t care what products I use. And yet I wont let a person I meet got by without mentioning this.

I enjoy reading but am I a reader? I take forEVER to finish books, I sometimes even feel too lazy in moments of boredom to pick up a paperback, I can’t even begin to list the series that I have started and have yet to finish because other things always “get in the way” and yet I even have an entire blog post dedicated to how much I enjoy books.

I am an introvert but not fully it seems. As you know I want to go on adventures, meet new people, and try new things but I contain myself to my little bubble. I have tons of acquaintances and I’d say a good chunk of people who are good friends, and I do want to hang out with them but their more extraverted or busy lives gets in the way, leaving me to the confines of my bedroom (AKA my Hobbit-Hole). And yet after a couple ours with people, even the closest of friends, I feel drained.

There are so many other examples swarming through my head right now but I can’t find the words for all of them. I guess I really am an oxymoron with some things. I really want to know how people are able to find 100% dedication or passion for things they love. I’ll get into conversations with people who might have similar interests as me and find out that I have barely touched the surface with whatever it is. Example? Sci-Fi/Fantasy for instance. No doubt I enjoy those but when talking to true scifi fans I am reminded that I never saw Star Wars or Star Trek, I’ve seen a handful of superhero movies, and I can never give you a summed up version of the lore behind the story. Or when I meet someone else who enjoys rock and metal, you can’t imagine the amount of bands we start listing until we find common ground, and usually by then I try to hide the fact that I actually only listen to 2-3 songs by the common band or that I have been to less concerts than I have fingers. I sometimes wonder if I deserve the “sci-fi fan” or “metalhead” or the other labels listed above. I wonder if any of us can truly be given a label based off of our personalities or things we enjoy.

I am starting to not make sense in my head so I’ll end here and try to figure out how to post this thing with the update WordPress has done to the blog posting options (yes, it’s been a while. I can’t find the Classic option that I like so much more)

Your friend,
Or acquaintance, chum, pal, enemy, foe…

Browsing Books

My people! My post! M- I don’t know where I am going with this.

I wanted to post this yesterday so that you wouldn’t go a month without content from me but instead I went back through old posts to edit them and fix typos. That, and February is a short month so I am sorry.

Anyway. BOOKS! FUN! (And if you’re one of those who do not agree with that statement, scroll down to the paragraph that starts in bold, I have some words for you).

As I have mentioned before I love reading books. I always have ever since I was a little kid. I even work in a library, not that I get a discount or anything because it is a library, but still, BOOKS!

When I was a kid I always read books that had something to do with animals, mainly dogs. I also liked The Magic Treehouse series, Junie B. Jones, Cam Jansen, A to Z Mysteries, Children of the Lamp, but mainly books on dogs. Besides the astronomy books that I couldn’t get enough of in third and fourth grade I never read much in nonfiction. Since that time my tastes have grown and my reading level has matured. However, whenever I have to do work in the children’s section of the library I get happy when I see a book that I remember reading years and years ago.

I also remember back when I was in fifth grade my teacher always assigned us different jobs to do in the classroom. One of the jobs that I was assigned, which was my favorite and lasted until the end of the school year, was organizing the books that we had in the classroom. In elementary school we had a system where books were labeled A-Z based on difficulty and generally students would progress down the alphabet at time went on. My job was to make sure that all the books were in their correct baskets based on their letter. At the end of the school day I would go through each individual basket and make sure no book was misplaced. This must be why I am so good at my job today.

In middle school I started reading a little more fantasy books as well as realistic fiction book. I remember once in 6th or 7th grade we had a section in English class for biographies. I got the book She Said Yes, which is only 100something pages long. However, in that three week time period I never finished it. The next book I read was a 600paged historical fiction book that I finished in about four days. It always amazes me how books that I have no interest towards can take so long to finish.

In 7th grade, when every other girl in the school was obsessed with the Twilight Saga, I started reading my favorite book series ever. The Ranger’s Apprentice by John Flanagan. I still haven’t read the last two books in this series and despite the fact that they are technically children’s book, I will finish the series! After Children of the Lamp, this fantasy series is what made me fall in love with that genre and since then I have read countless amounts of fantasy and sci-fi books. Not surprising after seeing all I have posted about in the past.

In 8th grade I started hanging out with my friends at my local library. We’re the cool kids right? Playing Apples to Apples amongst shelves of books while everyone else around our age went outside to do stuff. I decided to get myself a library card, because for years I didn’t have one, and I started reading so many books from the Young Adult section in the library. Kevin Brooks became one of my favorite authors, as well as Ellen Hopkins, Darren Shan, Kelly Armstrong, Ally Carter, and many more.

In high school I became close with the librarian that we had. I went to the school’s library quite often to take out books or to talk with her about school. In my freshman year one morning when I was looking for something to read I stumbled across a book called Shadows by John Saul. Intrigued by the blurb I decided to take it out and read it. From that moment on John Saul has become my most favorite author and I am still waiting for him to finish writing his next book, but in the meantime I have so many more by him that I have yet to read. He is a suspense/thriller author and his books are pretty creepy but I love them. I would often go after school to the library near my house to take out his books as well as many others, but only when it was in the months that I was able to wear my uniform pants and not the skirt that I abhorred. In my sophomore year of high school I found out that we had a library club and I joined up immediately. I became president of this club almost right away because I was the only one who showed up to all of the meetings. The club was more of a gossip club with the librarian about the other faculty and students but as time moved on we actually did start to read books and discuss them. This was also the year that, after doing my sophomore volunteer service there, I got my job at the library that my friends and I always hung out at in 8th grade. By the end of my sophomore year I decided that it was time I join a majority of the world and plunge myself into the Lord Of The Rings. I took out this brick of a book that had all three books in one from my school library. I wasn’t able to fit it in my school bag so I carried it around and everyone joked that it was my Bible based on its size. It took me five months to finish reading all three books and then another month to finish reading The Hobbit. After that I finally, for the first time in my life, watched the movies. In my sophomore year I also started reading the I Am Number Four series with my best friend (WHO IS STILL ON BOOK TWO AND I FINISHED BOOK FIVE AND GIRL YOU NEED TO READ THE DAMN BOOKS I KNOW YOU READ MY BLOG).

In junior year I started making a list of all the fiction, classic, and nonfiction book I want to read. I can honestly say that this list grows longer and longer all the time, rarely ever do I cross books off the list. Not that that is a bad thing at all. Also this year in my school we had a book fair in the library to get rid of old books to make room for new books. Since I was president of library club I helped out in setting up all the books and this basically meant I got first dibs. Each book was 25 cents and I don’t remember how many books I got, but it was more than enough that I had to keep many of the books in the empty locker below mine for days and take a few home at a time. Books are too damn expensive to be bought in large numbers at a time. In senior year I found out bad news on the day before Thanksgiving break. The beloved librarian in my school was leaving us for a new job at a public elementary school in Brooklyn and it started as soon as we got back from break. This meant no more library club. No more morning chats with the librarian and my friends. I was so upset so I made her a little farewell card out of loose-leaf from one of my notebooks and I got a bunch of other girls who were close to her to sign it. One of my friends noticed that I was legitimately sad about the librarian leaving and asked if I was gonna cry, to which I lied and sucked up my emotions because everyone in my grade for some reason wanted to see me cry. I forgot when but in either my junior or senior year I read what has become my favorite book of all time. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. This book is a combination of fantasy, steampunk, romance, and magic. This is Erin’s debut novel and I cannot wait for her to finish writing her next book. While I was reading this book I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, never knowing what was going to happen next. Also with all the imagery she included I felt that I was actually at the circus, tasting the foods, smelling the smells, hearing the joy and excitement, experiencing the mystical events that occurred in each of the tents. This is the only book I have ever considered re-reading (I am not a big fan of that plus I let my best friend borrow it and she has yet to read it) because it was just so amazing. And in my senior year I read The Golden Compass and the two books of the trilogy that came after that. I finished all three books in a month because it was an amazing series, butchered completely by the movie, as most books are.

I will always read the book before I see the movie/show because I don’t want the movie/show to spoil the book. I know some people who prefer watching the movie/show before picking up the book because it gives them a clearer image of the characters and when they stumble across parts that were not in the director’s version they get excited to see what else there is. I think that is good for them, I just prefer books more and that usually leads to me getting angry at the film/show for not following detail by detail of what happened. Even the Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit films which were as spot on with the book as I could remember had things that weren’t in the books or they left things out and that upset me. The movies are over two hours long each, Peter Jackson, you have enough time to include everything without making up fake story lines.

As you can see books have always been important to me. I just love picking up those dead trees and being magically transported to a new world. However, when it comes to reading for school I usually do not find the same pleasure. As do most students, which is way (I believe) the literary rates in America have gone down so much. In school we are forced to read books that do not interest us and dissect them to find meanings below the surface. As much I love reading, I can never find the deeper meanings of books, which always upsets me because I know I am not getting the full enjoyment of the book. This brings me to my next topic…

NONREADERS, why do you not read? Is it because it bores you? You think there are no books out there that you’ll enjoy? What if I told you that there are books for everyone, not just the stuffy old Jane Austen or John Steinbeck novels you were forced to read in high school? If you skipped down to here then you missed the big part of me writing about how my taste in books grew as I got older. Believe me when I say it, your tastes have changed too. Sure Austen may still be a bore to you, she sure is to me, but that doesn’t mean that the classics are the only books out there. I have read books from all different genres: fantasy, sci-fi, mystery, suspense/thriller, graphic novel/comics, hell even romance. There are so many types of books and I can assure you there is something out there you like. What I want to say is think of the movies and TV shows you like. I am sure there has to be at least some pattern in that. If not, think of things you are passionate about or are just really interested in. You can find fiction and nonfiction books on all of those things. Like sports? There’s a plethora of books on sports. Like cars? Same thing. Like sparkly vampires battling with werewolves for the heart of a teenage girl? You have issues but there are books for you too. Just simply search in Google “Fiction books on (blank)” or “Authors who write about (blank)” and you will find endless options. And don’t feel ashamed if the book is targeted for people younger than you, that only means it will be a faster read. Hell, my favorite book series is a children’s series and I am not afraid to admit it. The more you read the more your tastes will grow and eventually you’ll become a regular at your local library or Barnes and Nobel. Reading leisurely is really an amazing thing and it’ll open you up more. Sure you may not become like one of the freshmen I knew when I was a senior who read at least a book a day, but you may become a book a month or book a week kind of person. You don’t have to continue reading my post/blog now if you want, do what you want with my advice but at least do the Googleing part, you never know what you’ll find. And if you want any suggestions just comment on here.

My brother is a nonreader. However, when he was younger he used to love reading. He read Eragon, almost all of the Harry Potter books, the Artimis Fowl series, I think he read A Series of Unfortunate Events, but most of all he loved reading sports books. His fifth grade teacher told him one day that he shouldn’t read his beloved sports books and choose other types of books to read. This was one of the worst things that a teacher could do to a developing child. Why? Well because he wasn’t allowed to read sports book he decided to not read any books at all. He is turning 22 in a month and I don’t remember the last time I ever saw him read. His teacher took away the joy he had for reading when she should have encouraged him to read those sports books. One day he would have started reading other genres but now that will never happen. That just goes to show you, nurture a child’s habits and eventually it’ll turn into something great.

I really think that everyone should read. I know it is hard to find the time or the right book but I think that everyone should make it a priority to flip through pages of novels. I myself do not read enough, especially not enough non-fiction or books of worth (AKA, the classics) and I am not the fastest of readers, but when I get into a book I am at ease. If any of you want book suggestions, do not be afraid to ask because I love recommending books. And if any of you know of books that you think I should read please tell me, I don’t care what type of book it is I will do my best to read it. I love to discuss books with people but sadly not enough people that I know read the same books that I do. And if you’re a reader who has too many nonreader friends (one is too many) suggest the same advice I gave in my paragraph for nonreaders, they may thank you one day. I feel I could say so much more about book and reading but I think I covered as much as I wanted to.

Your friend,
The book worm

A Year Of Fun

Well hello again people!

Today I received a nice little surprise that I would like to share with you.

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Yes folks, I have been blogging for an entire year now! I knew this day was coming but I was unaware that WordPress would be congratulating me. So first I have to say thank you to WordPress for existing so I can voice my opinion on various topics to whoever feels like listening.

I started this blog after my friend Michelle and her boyfriend made blogs of their own. Michelle has since switched to the new blog that I have linked in her name and he hasn’t posted anything in months. I was considering making a blog for a while but I didn’t think I would ever use it and who would even care to read it. Michelle suggested I go for it anyway and OxyButNotAMoron was born.

It took me some time to think of a creative name for the blog. I knew that I could not dedicate an entire blog to just one thing because I have so many different interests and even though there are a couple of things I am deeply passionate about, there are always people who live, breathe, and sleep their passions and I am not one of those. So I had to choose a title that was general but described what I was about. I had remembered a conversation I had with Michelle one time when we were waiting to go to a cross country meet and I had said that I am an oxymoron with some things. I also was aware that the word “oxymoron” is an oxymoron itself; oxy means sharp and moron means dull. I felt that a good play on words could fit as my blog’s name and thankfully it was not used before (we all know how annoying it is to think of a screen name).

I have changed the layout on this site I don’t know how many times and finally I think that I built it in a way that fits. But that is not to say that this is the permanent layout because when I get bored online I like to rearrange things and maybe I’ll find a layout that I like even more.

Finally to the blog posts. As it can be seen from my first few posts (and probably still to this day) I had no idea what I was doing and even when I thought I had a direction I wanted to go in, halfway through the blog it would be something completely different. Typos are a common occurrence on here because I do not proof read until after I hit publish and re-read my post. Many times I will have something in mind that I wanted to say but by the time I get to a point in the post where it would make sense I have forgotten it. In almost all of my posts I forget something that I feel would have been nice to mention. Every now and then I go back and edit out the typos or add an addition to a post despite the fact that all those who wanted to read it already have. Eventually I may start to get into a routine that works on here and makes it so that I do not forget what I want to say.

To all the people who follow me and actually do read my posts, thank you for wasting your time with me! I really appreciate it. I do not plan on blogging on a regular schedule because I won’t have enough material to post about nor will I remember to stay on schedule when life actually does get in the way. I will just continue to write when I feel the inspiration. Maybe I will try to not got months without anything to give you. No promises. And I guess that is all for now.

Your friend,
For more years to come

Adventure Awaits… And I Need to Catch Up

Hello hello hello my peoples!

I haven’t had a babble in a while so I feel that a meaningless post is well overdue.

I like exploring. Except for foods, I like to try new things. Sticking to a routine is fine and all, but it gets so dull and boring doing the same things day in and day out. I always want to travel to different places, within New York City and to places all over. However it always seems like when I do go outside of my house I go to the same exact places all the time and do the same exact things. I want to expand my horizons and do new things but I feel so limited due to several reasons:

  • My parents- as much as they want me to get out of the house and do new things they always want me to do stuff with them or with other people and they always want to take me to the exact location that I will be. Not that this is a bad thing or anything, they care about me and all, but it feels restricting because sometimes I just want to do things by myself because not many, or none at all, of my friends share some of my interests and I feel bad dragging people into things they don’t want to actually do which in turn makes the activity less fun. Plus, since my parents drive me everywhere I have no idea how to get around to different places. You’d think because I live in NYC that I am a master at using public transportation. Well I’m not. My parents don’t see that the only way I will go out and enjoy myself more is if they loosen the reins a little bit. My brother when he was my age and even when he was well younger was always going out by himself to go meet friends or to go to the gym and what-have-you. My mom even drives me to my best friend’s house when we hang out there and it is only 3 blocks away but my friend always walks to my house when we hang out here. I just want to be able to explore on my own more and actually see what is around me.
  • Money/time- As a college student, despite having a job for the past three years, who really has the expenses to do different things? Sure I could find cheap/free activities around the city but those are usually for people in the know, which I am not. And forget about traveling outside of the city; I don’t drive nor do I have the means to afford tickets for trains, boats, planes, helicopters, teleportation machines, etc.
  • My interests- Like I said before my interests are somewhat strange and I don’t have too many friends that like a lot of the things I like. Example? I absolutely love renaissance and medieval things but I can’t really think of people who have as strong of an interest in that stuff as I do. Sure a couple of people might think it is cool but what I would want to do is go to a renaissance faire in full garb and watch all of the actors do their thing and more. And another thing I would want to do is just walk around the streets of Manhattan with no destination in mind and see what there is to see. Every time I go into the city for fun instead of for school the people I am with always seem so rushed to get to a certain place or they just want to sit and talk, which is alright but there is so much more to do. There are many other things that I would be interested in doing but doubt any of my friends have the same wishes.
  • Myself- Yep, like I wrote about in another post I am really lazy. Plus it is easy to get stuck inside of a rut and not move outside of my comfort zone. Despite my wanting to do so much more I decide against it for whatever reasons and just stick to what I already know.

Is anything going to change now that I have all of this spelled out in front of me? I doubt it. Maybe one day I will see the world. Maybe one day I will try new things. Maybe one day I will knock off items of the lists of foods I never had or movies I never watched (believe me, those are VERY long lists). But as of now it seems that adventure will be waiting for a long time.

Sometimes I do get the opportunity to go to new places, whether it is with friends or through my school. When this happens I am like a little kid; I run all over the place (I am the very reason why “The Buddy System” has to be put into place because I always end up breaking it) looking into every nook and cranny to see what I can find. If I am in a hotel for a night I usually cannot sleep and I do not think this is due to being in a different bed, but because I am so full of excitement from being in a new place.

I actually applied for a fellowship that I hope I get because if I do then this summer I will go on a 20 day backpacking trip in Wyoming during August. Then the next two summers I will have internships, the first summer can be local if I want and the next summer can be anywhere internationally (I believe). How awesome would all of that be?!? [Edit:] I didn’t get the fellowship [:End edit].

Another thing I wanted to mention was maps. I felt like this fits somewhat with this post. I love maps. Ever since 6th grade social studies when I had a really cool teacher who didn’t really teach. My friends and I would do our work and then we would open the textbook to the back where the maps of the world were and play ISpy with the different cities on the maps. Although I have a terrible perception of different places (e.g. distances of places as well as the general topography of upstate New York) I do love reading maps. Older maps with old border lines are even cooler to see because it shows you how things have changed. I also love it when books start off with a map because I like to flip back and forth to see where the characters are. Geography in general is just really interesting to me. In one of the Honors Program lounges there is a big map of Africa, but I think it is somewhat of an older map because of the names of the territories, and I always like just looking at it and seeing what I can find because with maps, no matter how much I look at them, I always find something new and cool. My friends from my high school cross country team always said I should do something with geography because I would always inform them when the hills were coming and where to go next in our runs. Actually when I was thinking of changing my major the first one I looked at in my school was global history because that stuff is really cool but I realized that the only profession I could get with that is a teacher/professor which I have absolutely no interest in. But yeah, maps are really cool whether they show the borders of countries/counties/states/etc. or the maps that show the physical surface of different lands, I love it. This is probably another reason why I want to explore so much because looking at maps, along with many other reasons but this seems logical to me.

Like I said at the beginning, this post had no real purpose other than for me to babble so I shall end it here.

Your friend,
With an arrow to the knee

The strength of laziness

Hellooooooooo everybody! (Read that in the voice of a really excited sports announcer)

There is one thing in our lives that we all  face. I am talking about procrastination, or laziness, whichever word you like more. I face it. You face it. That guy in the corner faces it. Let’s face it (is this too excessive?) it’s easy to be lazy. Sure there’s stuff we all want to do, but it seems that in the world we live in it is easier to go through hundreds of internet posts, play video games, watch tv, read a book, or some other activity than it is to do what we want. There are many things I want to do but don’t get around to any of it. Examples?

  • Learning to speak Finnish. If you know me you know I love metal, especially Finnish bands. I love it when they sing in their native tongue, despite the fact that I don’t understand it. I have wanted to learn Finnish for years now, I even have a program on my computer that is basically a textbook with audio that teaches Finnish. Problem is, it is hard to motivate myself to use it. Plus I feel weird using it when people are around, and I am rarely ever home alone. Also, it is not easy to learn a language when you have noone but an audio recording telling you what to say. Despite living in NYC, probably the most ethnically diverse city in the world, I know nobody who hails from Finland, or has Finnish blood. Hell, I’m sure most people I know only know Finland exists because of me. Having all these issues in my way, it is easy for me to put of learning the language I most desire to learn. If I chose a more popular language like Spanish, Italian, French, German, Greek, Russian, or any Asian language I would have no problem because so many around here speak those languages. Maybe one day I will speak this strange Nordic tongue, but not today.
  • Learning how to play the harmonica. A year or so ago my dad and I got harmonicas. We played them maybe three times then forgot about them. I tried last year to pick it up and learn it, once. In my head I see myself as a badass that can play any song on that little instrument. When I pick it up and I hear the sounds of a dying whale, I realize how wrong I am and give up. Not to mention that I just really hate doing things with other people around (as stated above, plus I am even trying to type this quietly so my mom doesn’t ask questions) which gives me no time to play it.
  • Double bass drum drumming. With all of my heavy metal music, I want to be able to play along to the songs. To do that I need to be able to comfortably use a double bass drum pedal. Alas, my laziness spreads here too. After I get through my normal practice material, I don’t feel like adding on additional exercises, despite the fact that for years I have been wanting to have and master the ability to drum at the speeds that the drummers of my favorite bands drum at.
  • Exercising. I have finally got into a routine where every weekday morning I run because I want to try out for my college’s cross country team. Beyond that, I have done no other exercises. Not that I really need to but it would help with my running. Thing is, after I come back from a run I really don’t feel like doing any other form of exercise. And there is no point in exercising later in the day because I would have to take another shower, and we all care about the Earth right?
  • Reading. Now I read a lot, but not as much as I wish I did. I am not the fastest of readers and it really depends on the book on how fast I will finish it. I wanted to read more non-fiction books this summer, mainly science related books due to the fact that I will be majoring in Forensic Science. But I also want to read books on a variety  of topics because it is good to know different things. I have read several books since I have gotten out of school and have more free time, but no where near the amount I wish I have read.  I also have an extremely long list of fiction, classics, and non-fiction books I want to read and I don’t cross books off that list as often as I wish I did because there are so many other books I want to read as well and the list always grows.

These is just some examples of the things I always put off no matter how much I want to do them. It is always easier to just push things aside and forget about them than it actually is to take the time out to complete the activity/action/other.  Now since I am lazy I am just going to end this here.

Your fr- eh too lazy

The Creation Of Ice-Skating

On the first day, the cruel ice gods made a frozen, oval shaped area. They were unsure of what to use it for and argued all through the night about what its purpose will be.

On the second day the made shoes with thin blades on the bottom. Their friends, the physics gods, jokenly told them to make a sport out of these two items.

On the third day, after thinking for a long time, the cruel ice gods took the physics gods suggestion seriously and made ice-skating. The physics gods shook their heads and looked the other way, knowing no good would come from this.

On the fourth day the cruel ice gods made exceptional skaters. Those who zoom by quickly, weave in and out of people, skate backwards, and do all sorts of crazy things. They were pleased with these creations.

On the fifth day they decided to make bad skaters just to spite them. Those who cling on the wall, stop in the middle of the path, and go in the wrong direction.

On the sixth day the ice gods realized that the bad skaters should have a chance to learn how to skate and they made a lesson area. This area takes up the entire center part of the rink, leaving little space for those who know (or pretend to know) what they’re doing to skate.

On the seventh day the ice gods made skating open to children. These children follow no rules and go all over the place. These children take up most of the rink, including the lesson area for those who are better at the age of seven then you’ll ever be.

On the eighth day the ice gods felt there wasn’t enough challenge with what they made so the created the human chains. These chains are made of any amount of people (two or more) holding hands/arms. They move slowly and when one falls, they all do.

On the ninth day they decided to edit their previous creations, making ridges on some of the skates blades, some ice softer than the rest of the ice, and they even made combinations of bad skaters and children or children and human chains.

On the tenth day they made winter time, especially as it nears the Olympics, the most popular time for people to go ice-skating.

On the eleventh day the let my father and I join their creations on the ice. A clutz and a nerve, what could possibly go wrong? Well let’s see… I almost crashed into I don’t know how many children, good skaters and bad skaters alike almost cut me off over and over again, my skate’s ridges got caught a few times on the ice, the soft areas of ice almost made me fall, human chains blocked my way, I fell twice (once almost taking a stranger down with me), and it reminded me that inside I truly am a misanthrope.

And that is how ice-skating was born!

Your friend,
The novice ice-skater

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