Contradiction is my style

Boys Boys Boys

Back so soon, Michelle? Hell yeah. Let’s get back into this writing thing!

I, no joke, just posted my last blog, ate a handful of Cheez-Its, took a shower, and now I am back to typing.

As mentioned in my last post, there has been a topic I’ve been avoiding (as far as I can remember, I don’t think I’ve really posted about this) and that is boys and my failure of luck with them. I didn’t want to talk about this while I had my blog linked to my other social media because I don’t really like sharing my feelings about guys from a fear of rejection and ruining friendships. But now I wanna be open because it is something I want to talk about. So put on your seatbelts because it’s gonna be a hella of a ride (maybe)!

I want to start off by saying I have never kissed a boy. I have never had any type of sexual interaction with a boy. I have never been in a relationship. If you count hugs as a step in the right direction then at least I have that. I have only been on two dates (which will be explained later) and that was when I was 18 (I am turning 21 this year). However, I’ve been lucky enough to never doubt my sexuality because from an early age I knew I was attracted to boys. I always tried to like the things my brother did or other boys did because I thought that was how I would get their attention–I figured “what guy likes dolls, princesses, and make-up? If I want a boy to like me I have to like sports and monster trucks!” Which I did. I have since learned that a guy should like me for who I am and I shouldn’t alter my interests for him, but I still don’t care for dolls, make-up, or princesses.

Anywho, since I had an older brother I knew the whole “boys have cooties” was a myth. My brother was clean so that means all the other boys were too! This mentality lead me to having my first crush in pre-k. Don’t remember his name but it’s not important. Every school year (Pre-k, kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, etc.) I would be in a new class with new people (thanks to the overcrowding of NYC public schools) so every year I would have a new crush on a different boy. I would actually spend the first few minutes of my first day in each grade looking around the room for the cutest boy and deciding he was going to be my new crush. I would never do anything about these little crushes. I might tell my best friend of the time (each year until 6th grade where I met my actual best friend, Allison–HEY GIRL–I would have a new best friend in each class) that I liked said boy. I would become friends with him and talk to him during lunch and whenever I could, but ya girl was always too shy to make a move. A couple of these crushes I would find out some time in the school year that he liked a different girl and that would make me sad and I would stop liking him. I do remember the summer either before or after 3rd grade my family and I went on a trip to Cape Cod and in the cottage area or whatever it was that we were staying in there was a boy a year older than me that I had a crush on and my brother noticed (although he didn’t tell me until after the trip when I never saw that guy again) and teased me about it one day.

I’m gonna start my story early, in 5th grade. For some reason, people started dating at this time. We were only 10 years old! What the hell are 10 year olds gonna do? Whatever. I had a crush on one guy in my class like usual and I remember there were only 8 girls and 16 guys in this class by the end of the school year. I, as usual, told the girl who I considered my best friend that I liked said guy. She would tease me about it and claim that she was gonna tell him, which scared me more than anything. I ended up also telling another girl in my class about it. About a week later she told me that she had started to develop a crush on him too, which made me mad but I tried to keep that in. By the time the school year was coming to an end apparently my “best friend” had told the other girls in the class about it and they would question me. We had a 5th grade prom (now this was before I was the crazy, dancing queen party animal that I am now so I sat down the entire time, refusing the dance because “dancing is stupid”) and I remember the girl who said she was also getting feelings for my crush wanted to go with him but I didn’t want her to. My “best friend” on the day of the prom when we were all taking pictures in the classroom before going to the venue tried to force me to take a photo with my crush but by that point I was just so angry with everyone that I said no. I was leaning back in my chair reading a book (cause I am a badass) and she pulled my chair down so I fell to the floor. I didn’t let that phase me. I am glad this girl is out of my life.

I move on to middle school (which overall is just misery because middle school aged tweens/teens/kids are the worst and I was way too shy in an overcrowded building). My 6th grade crush and I sit next to each other in some classes and talk sometimes but as usual only a select few people know and I never make a move. In my middle school every Valentine’s Day you can buy a teddy bear or candy for someone. Turns out my crush bought a teddy bear for some other girl in my class so that ends my feelings.

Seventh grade. This is where I started listening to metal and I was reunited with a friend from pre-k/kindergarten who is still one of my closest friends today. Anyway, in the beginning of the semester I got a crush on a new guy, as usual, and I told one girl who I thought I was friends with but then started acting a bit like my 5th grade “friend” so I stopped hanging out with her and I lied, telling her I was no longer interested in the guy. So me and the guy it takes some time but we finally become friends and this is also the time where I make a Facebook so we add each other. We start talking every day and I tell my old and dear friend about my crush (and she tells me about hers from where she went to karate) and we talk about our plans about how we’re gonna get them. So anyway, day by day things go well and I really think this guy likes me back. On the second to last day of 7th grade (which happened to both be his birthday and the day Michael Jackson died) I am walking to class with my friend and my crush is a little behind us with his friend. Down the hall comes a girl from another class who I am acquainted with and she sees my crush. She goes “Hey [boy]! Did you ask Anna out?” My heart sinks. I can’t hear his reply, luckily she is loud enough that I don’t have to. “YOU DID?!!?” And that officially end my chances with him. I go through the rest of that day and the next barely making eye contact or talking to him because I am just so hurt. I told my friend later that day what I overheard because she didn’t hear it and she was angry with me. Luckily this guy ended up transferring during 8th grade so I didn’t see him again (although sometimes when I run in the morning in the summer I think I see him in the park with his mom but I doubt he remembers me).

8th grade. My least favorite year of middle school. While there was a cute guy in my class I just wasn’t really looking for a crush this year. I did end up becoming friends with one guy in my class (who ended up coming out of the closest a year later). For the first month or so he was one of the only people in my class that I talked to because I was upset about being in that class (it was one of the remedial classes and the teachers treated us differently, especially my English teacher). Everyone in my class started making fun of me and this guy, saying that we were going out and all that. It bothered me so much. I would yell at them, saying we weren’t together, which only made the situation worse because they saw how much it bothered me. I decided to stop talking to this guy altogether and he became friends with some other girl who transferred into my class from a different class so they started making fun of the two of them. I dreaded going to school every day during 8th grade because even though the people eventually stopped teasing me, I never felt included with them and it wasn’t until the middle to end of the school year when a few people noticed I was good at tests and willing to let people cheat off me that they started being nice to me. During this time I also was going to some test prep for the Catholic high school exam and there was a kinda cute boy in my section but he was in a different class in my school and I never got to talk to him so it was a useless crush.

Now we get into high school. I am sure I have mentioned before that I went to an all-girls school so I had no chance of finding a boy there. I did go to a school dance with our brother school but again, this was before I started actually dancing at dances so I stayed off to the side with friends the entire time. I did see one guy I thought was cute but I never approached him because I was too shy.

I got my job at the library in my sophomore year of high school and there was one guy working there a couple of years older than me. From the time sheets I learned his name and being the internet savvy person I am, I found his social media and stalked it. I never talked to this guy (yeah somehow we worked together without ever having a conversation) and he eventually quit. Also during sophomore year I joined cross country and my teammates and I would oogle the guys on the boys teams but we never approached them (at least I didn’t).

The summer between sophomore year and junior year of high school I was on the computer and saw an ad for a game called Lord of Ultima. I joined and in the game you need to be part of an alliance to advance. I joined one and spent my whole summer playing this game. During the school year I stopped but I still talked to one guy from my alliance online (he found my other social media because I used the same username for everything). He was three years older than me and a really nice guy but (please, do not hate me, I cannot help this) I am just not attracted to African-American guys. I only saw him as a friend. He on the other hand fell for me. At first I thought he was just being nice but I remember one time (during my senior year actually) he direct messaged me on Twitter when he was drunk saying “what would you do if I told you I love you?” (with improper grammar due to the alcohol but that isn’t important). I was so shaken up and I had no idea how to respond. So I didn’t. I avoided Twitter for two weeks because I didn’t know how to react. He ended up messaging me on YouTube (not unusual, this was before Google bought them and the layout was different and you could actually message people and we talked often on there) basically apologizing for being direct and I apologized for being rude but I told him that I just didn’t see him that way and he understood. We stayed friends for a while but eventually drifted apart. I hope all is well for him.

During my junior year I got a new coworker at the library. I remember the first day I met him. I was so mad because I originally wasn’t supposed to be working that day and I was supposed to see Starkill in concert but something happened on tour and the venue had to change to a 21+ place, I was only 16 at the time. So I go to work, grumbling silently about how I have to miss the show and now I have to meet the new guy. The moment I see him I think “holy shit he is hot.” He introduces himself to me but being the super shy person I am it actually took a while for me to build up the courage to start talking to him at work after that. He was only a year older than me and we eventually exchanged numbers. We would text every night until the wee hours of the morning. This guys was your basic “bad boy” (or rather, Queens-based Italian douche that I later came to learn). He was a mystery and I couldn’t resist developing a big ol’ crush on him. I would be so nervous talking to him, my voice and entire body would shake and I had trouble making my thoughts into clear words. This eventually died down. We hung out once at his house; we played pool (his pool table is outside and I ended up getting 36 mosquito bites on my legs), darts in his room and then we watched tv. When I left I thought things were great. A couple weeks later I found out that he just recently dumped his girlfriend and this crushed me a bit. I realized the entire time that we were talking he had a girlfriend. I tried to get over him but the crush stayed. At least until I found out about a couple of months later that he had a new girlfriend. My window of opportunity (if there was one) was closed. It still took time for me to not have feelings towards him but I never tried anything because I know a guy with a girl is off limits. This whole situation disappointed me. I had actually Googled “how to flirt” and “how to tell if he likes you” countless times before I realized things were hopeless. I am still trying to figure it all out. But regardless, I was not disappointed to finally leave him behind when I left my job at the library. As I said, I realized that his “bad boy” nature was actually unattractive and that alls he really had was looks.

Now we get into college. I was ready to meet guys left and right and find myself a boyfriend (spoiler alert, still waiting). So on the day of freshman orientation I have to stay for a meeting with this scholarship I got into with forensic science (haha, remember those days). We were assigned seating at specific tables and there was a transfer student–a junior–at my table. We were talking and he seemed like a nice guy. He said he would offer to lend me some program that was needed for the upper level science classes. So I found him on Facebook and added him. He randomly started messaging me a couple days later and I thought nothing of it. I was talking with one of my friends from high school one night at the same time I was talking to him. He ended up saying to me that he thought my voice was sexy (which I find hard to believe because, like anyone else who has heard their voice in recordings before, I hate how my voice sounds) and asked me out. I wasn’t particularly interested in him so I asked my friend in the middle of our conversation “HOLY SHIT BIANCA A BOY JUST ASKED ME OUT WHAT DO I DO?!?!?” And she told me to say yes and see how it goes, so I did. Now during the first week of class I was super busy with forensic science meetings, cross country/student athlete meetings, and honors classes that I didn’t have much time to message him back and he thought I was ignoring him. I ended up saying to him one day on Facebook “I’ve been really busy and I don’t know when I’ll be able to go on this date.” and he told me it was all right because he was talking to a girl in the dorm across from him. My friends were actually angrier than I was at this. Since I wasn’t particularly interested in him I was glad he found someone else to be with and I was able to go by without stressing. They eventually broke up and he asked me out again as a rebound that same week but I ignored the text because I am not a rebound.

I would see some cute guys around often but they weren’t guys I was close to or they ended up getting girlfriends which made them off limits. Around November I met a guy a year ahead of me in the Macaulay program at my school. We started talking and since he was so nice (and since this was when I was still into metal-looking guys with long hair) I thought I had feelings for him. He asked me out and I accepted. On the first date we went to a diner next to school and it was a total drag. Either he would reuse the same exact conversation points we had on Facebook, or he would say weird stuff. He didn’t have much table manners (talking with food in his mouth and such) and whenever I did try to make conversation or tell a joke he would have no response (not joking, he would be totally silent). We walked through Central but at some point I had to call it done and go home. My mom encouraged me to go on another date so I did. This time we went to the movies. We got there an hour before the movie he wanted to see so we sat and waited. Again, whenever I tried to make conversation he would have no responses. I was actually happy when the movie started (even though it sucked) because we at least had a reason to not talk. We actually had a conversation about the weather during our hour wait (it was snowing if you are curious). When I got home I decided that I did not want to go out again with him. I ended up ghosting him which made me feel like a bitch because, lets face it, it is a bitchy thing to do and he did not deserve that. If I were to change one thing about my college experience it’s that  I would have told him somehow that I was no longer interested.

During my second semester freshman year I had a couple of classes with cute guys (my economics class had an actual male-model until he decided to drop the course). In my sociology 101 class I sat next to the cutest guy in the class and we would talk sometimes but I eventually learned he wasn’t interested. In my music class there was a guy who sat in the back of the room that I eventually stated talking to and I helped him on our take home final. He was from the country Georgia (funny enough, so was the sociology guy) and he was in America for seven years at that time by himself so I knew he was much older than me. He seemed interested but I was wary about the age gap that after the semester ended we didn’t talk again.

In between freshman and sophomore year of college my best friend introduced me to a game called Town of Salem. I played it often (and still do time to time). On there I met another guy. We ended up talking a lot and exchanged numbers. We talked every day and when we added each other on Facebook both of us admitted to finding the other cute. This guy was a frat bro that vaped but he was smart too, he was in college for mechanical engineering. I was sad that he lived states away in Delaware but we still talked often and neither of us could understand how the other was never in a relationship. However, when the school year started he ended up ghosting me (karma is real people). We talked again briefly towards the end of the semester but that was when the whole problem with my professor was at its peak that I think I spooked him away when I vented to him about her. I remember texting him one day and he did the whole “new phone who dis” thing and when I told him who I was he said he’d text me back later cause he was busy. If I cared I’d say I am still waiting for that text. He either deleted his own Facebook or blocked me. And recently I noticed he deleted me as a friend on Town of Salem. Ah well, he vaped so no big loss.

Around the time that that guy ghosted me was when cross country started again and I had a new teammate on the men’s team. He was nice and a good runner. I tried flirting with him from the start and it seemed like he was flirting back with me. Even a couple of my teammates noticed. However, it turned out he had a girlfriend. But, for the first time, I tried to not let that stop me and I kept flirting for a bit. Eventually though I realized that was stupid so I stopped. He and his girl eventually broke up but I was over him at that point.

Also, on one of the first days of classes the honors program had a welcome back lunch. At this event all new and returning honors students were welcome. I was seated at a table with my friends and into the room walks in an extremely attractive guy. By the time he came into the room there were no more seats and I was tempted to call him over but I didn’t because 1. I had no idea who he was, 2. I am shy as all hell, and 3. I didn’t want my friends to be like “wtf Michelle.” I ended up not seeing him again until December (after I got over my teammate) at an ice-skating cultural event. I was there with my friend but at some point my friend started skating around and helping others get over their fear of the ice (cause he could skate) so I caught up with Mr. Attractive and he seemed chill. It turns out we have the same political views (rare in my school). But I didn’t introduce myself because I knew his name already (the honors program has a wall with all our names and pictures on plaques). I didn’t see him again until the spring semester started and I of course stalked his social media. I told my friends I had a crush on him and they tried to encourage me to talk to him but none of them helped like they claimed they would. Whenever i did talk to him he didn’t seem to interested and always busy with school work. It wasn’t until the middle of fall semester junior year that I gave up trying since I rarely saw him and he wouldn’t talk (but he is still very attractive and he hangs out in the honors lounge more this semester so if he says wassup, I’m good 😉 )

After I finally stopped stalking that guy I wanted nothing more than to be done with guys for a while; but of course feelings happen. I was waiting for my Spanish class one day and I noticed a guy who is a year ahead of my in the honors program leaving the class (he had the same professor just an hour earlier). I was barely acquaintances with him but we knew each other so I said hi and he tried to give me an answer on the test (I couldn’t hear what he said and got it wrong lol). He messaged me on Facebook a few days later asking for homework for the class. We started talking every day and I quickly developed feelings. He invited me to his midterm for a counseling class where he had to give a presentation and he was so happy I made it. We studied for our Spanish midterm together. In the beginning of December the honors program had  a Christmas party where the students getting the free piano lessons had to preform (aka me and 4 other peeps). So I asked him if he was going and he was really considering it. He actually invited me to lunch at a burger place nearby school earlier that day. However, when the day came he told me he was just gonna stay home because he had papers to write. I was a bit down but I still had fun at the party. We still talked every day. The night before our Spanish final we talked on the phone going over what we thought we had to study and we made plans to study together in the honors lounge in the morning. So we study more and then we have time to kill so we start watching YouTube videos. We move to the small lounge because the director of the honors program tells us we are being too loud. In the small lounge we were sitting on one of the couches and I realized at some point that I was almost resting my head on him but I was too scared so I held it up. After the final I waited for him to finish and I was planning on telling him my feelings before I went to a meeting. Of course I chickened out but I did say “after finals would you want to go out sometime?” meaning a date but I couldn’t even bring myself to say that word. It took me a moment to even blurt out that question and in that moment I saw his face drop but then he picked up and said “oh yeah, the burger place! Just remind me!” and that was that. Between finals ending and the start of January I helped him do work with a professor for his thesis and I also looked over his grad school applications. He really appreciated this and would often compliment me, saying I am smart and finny and such. In January we agree to meet up at the burger place and he offers to pay (although I cover the tip because no guy should be broke for me). We walk to the subway and he hugs me goodbye (and during the entire walk there I feel him bumping my arm with his and the whole time we are having good conversation). He had to go back to school and later that day he messaged me saying he felt bad just leaving me there at the subway but I assured him it was alright. We meet up again for lunch at a place a little closer to school during January and again I think all is well. Some guy on the bus tried flirting with me after the second lunch and when he asked if I had a boyfriend I claimed that his guy was even though we weren’t just because I believed 100% that we were going to move a step further into dating. We still talked every day and it really seemed like he is flirting. We planned to have one more lunch before the semester started but he had to cancel because he had a meeting with financial aid. So starts the semester and the talking slows down a bit because we both have our plates full. The weekend before Valentine’s rolls around and I am planning on telling him my feelings this time with a cheesy Valentine card that I made in a microsoft paint knock off using the album cover image for his favorite song. However, I see he is tagged in a group Valentine date photo. He messages me that day and it is confirmed, he went on a date. I am crushed. I decide “ok, time to start talking to him less and with less emotion now.” However, on Valentines he messages me wishing me a nice day and telling me “You’re smart, beautiful, wonderful, any guy would be lucky to have you” and so much more. It really messed with my head and I asked two friends for advice. They told me to see if he really is dating that other chick. So me and the guy don’t talk much during the week and I am still being a bit flirty. I consider writing him a ballsy message just admitting everything but then I see on their other social media that they are, in fact, official. I delete my message that was never sent and now I truly am talking to him less and less. He still messages me because we were so close during those few months that we were talking and I don’t have the heart to say “go away” but I am talking less out of respect for his relationship and my own sanity. [Edit]: I forgot to add, I am not mad at him at all. More so, I am mad at myself for being blinded by his kindness and confusing it for flirting. One day I’ll learn how to distinguish the difference but his kinds words reminded me too much of what the other guys who actually were somewhat interested in me would say/do. I don’t want to hold this against him, he is a genuinely nice guy with a good heart. I just need to get a handle of myself. I have gotten over him for the most part since I realized I had no chance. He still messages me once in a while but I am less active to respond because I want to slowly fizzle this out. He deserves happiness as much as I do, and he’ll be happier with her than with me. :[End edit].

And there you have it. My entire (lack of) love life. I may have omitted a guy or two out of non-importance or whatever, but that’s it. After the ordeal with the most recent guy I read a book I was supposed to read for one of my classes last year (and never did but it seemed interesting) and even though I am not exactly the target demographic and it was a bit extreme, I did take away some stuff from it. For now I just want to work on surviving the semester because I honestly don’t have time to commit to a person right now. I want to work on bettering myself more so for me. As you have just read, I’ve spent just about my whole life with my head always in the clouds, day dreaming about this boy or that guy. I want to focus on me. Make myself better emotionally and personally so I can handle another “rejection” (I use quotes because none of these guys really rejected me). I also want to make myself better so that the lucky son of a gun who ends up with me will be proud to call me his girlfriend. I know relationships aren’t everything. For the longest time it bothered me so much that I was single my whole life without even a kiss but now I have come to terms with the fact. I accept it as it and I own it. No need to be ashamed of myself. I know eventually I will find a guy who is as interested in me as I am him and hopefully it’ll work out. But for now, Imma be me and just enjoy time without wondering what so-and-so is doing at that hour. I hope this wasn’t a bore, I think it is one of (if not the) longest pieces I wrote. But I just had to get it all out there with as many details as I could.

Your friend,
The hopefulbuthopeless romantic


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