Contradiction is my style

Archive for the month “January, 2016”

Moving Forward

Hey peoples

In my time that I was absent from blogging I dealt with a stressful situation in school with a professor that I will not go into detail because only now do I see how immature it is to vent my problems all over social media and to anyone who would listen. Not that I didn’t know that before but my emotions took over my actions these past few months and lead to me tweeting vague but angry tweets, saying crap in group chats and in person, writing a few cringe worthy emails, and I’m pretty sure just being a nuisance to my friends and family. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to anyone I upset, made feel uncomfortable, or even hurt during this time. If you choose not to forgive me, I understand. My immaturity is inexcusable. I do not deserve any pity “Oh Michelle we all do things we regret when we are upset” comments because no, those who are mature don’t become cowards like me and hide behind a screen or vent to everyone. They address the cause of their problems head on and in proper ways.

I originally was planning on making this post another long rant where I painted my professor as the devil my hate-filled self saw her as. I was going to claim that that would be the way I would end my problem and claim that this was how I was going to move on. I realize now just how wrong and stupid that idea is. Writing a public post that portrayed me as a victim to the “abuse of power” my professor used (actual words I wrote in an email to my advisers) would only make me become part of the type of people that I dislike the most. I am responsible for my own actions and now I am realizing that I acted wrong.

I had a meeting earlier today with my advisers and I brought up all of the things I saw as issues. I cried as my own anger and stress came pouring out. They were able to bring me back to reality and inform me of what could have been done and what could be done. They informed me that, despite how it seemed when I vented to my peers, I actually stood alone in my fight. In fact, it turns out more people were against me than with me. My advisers told me to take a week to relax and reflect and on Monday give a final decision of what I want to do moving forward. After that meeting I got myself a KitKat (my favorite candy) and went for a walk in Central Park. During that walk I shocked myself by feeling my mind wander to my freshman and senior year religion teacher from high school (same teacher for both years). One of her biggest lessons that she constantly taught about was forgiveness. Back when I was sitting in her class I thought that was she was teaching was useless, especially since I do not believe in God (sorry folks). I thought that what she was teaching was only applicable if you were looking for your soul to be forgiven by Jesus. now I see that she had a point. One of her favorite quotes to use what “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” I thought that quote was stupid at the time but now I see what she means. My professor will move on. She will enjoy time with her family, she will teach more classes, and she will live a life that I can only assume is happy (we never know what anyone is going through) while I will continue to shudder at the thought of her and continue to rant and rave about how terrible I think she is. What good would that do? My professor will never feel or be affected by my anger. It would only be me who is hurting. I have to move on. I have to let go. I have to heal.

Like I said, I have until Monday to decide on some things that I discussed in my meeting. My emotions are too raw right now to come to a wise decision. However, as of now I think my final decision will be to just let this go. As of now i can say that I don’t ever want to talk or even see my professor again but maybe in a year or so I will decide that it is time to confront her. I feel like “confront” is the wrong word to use though. It just sounds too aggressive. I guess “discuss with” would be the better phrase. Let time heal my (and her, if she has any) grievances. Or maybe I will eventually just forget the whole issue and move on happily. What I need to do now is work on forgiving my professor and myself. As I said before, I handled the situation immaturely and maybe it will come back to bite me in the butt. I have to accept this as a consequence for acting when I wasn’t thinking straight. I am as much at fault as I feel my professor was. Does this all mean that in a few months her and I will be getting coffee every Tuesday and brunch on Saturdays? No. (I don’t even drink coffee.) I may never even bring myself to look her in the eye again. I just need to man up and let go.

It really amazes me how much crying, talking to people who aren’t a part of a situation and are much more knowledgeable, and just taking a walk can change a perspective that was so firm for so long. I wrote this entire post on a notepad while I was traveling home (first time I ever did that, usually I just freewrite in the New Post box) and as I am almost at my stop I feel I feel slightly better than I did when I went into the city today. From wanting to make the whole world imagine a woman they never met as evil incarnate to opening myself up to all of you, the change is quite noticeable. I think I will be able to work my way to happiness once again. I still have a long way to go but this journey will be more quieter than my original fight of anger and grief. I want to do my best to promise everyone that I will no longer make complaints or comments on social media or in person about this situation. I no longer want to burden anyone. This isn’t me trying to bottle my emotions away, cause anyone who was around me these past few months knows that is the last thing I did. No, this is me trying to finally let go. I told the right people about how I felt and it helped me to get here. I need more internal reflection to continue to move on.

I want to say that if you ever have a problem with someone, which you will at some point cause we all do, just address them. I didn’t because I am a coward and I no longer want to be one. I also don’t want anyone else to be a coward because it does nothing but make you look bad and it will never help you. So for now I would like to send a mental thank you note to my old religion teacher and end my post, not bitter as I was originally planning, but with hope. Thank you all.

Your friend,
Who is trying to find the rainbow after the storm



Hello all you lovely people,

It’s been a while since my last post; I know this. Why you ask? I can give you many reasons. My laziness, school getting in the way, me forgetting I have a blog, and me just not having anything interesting to talk about. That sums it up basically. Let’s move on.

Time is such a fickle concept. As it moves on things change and there isn’t much to do about it. You meet people and you either stay in contact all the time or lose touch over time. You gain interests and develop skills or passions over time or you grow tired and bored of them and they become distant memories. It is all on how you manage your time.

And I am bad at time management.

I sit for hours a day doing absolutely nothing of what I want and never change my ways. And yet I wonder where all my time goes. I talk to some people on almost a daily basis and don’t give time to others that I care about. And yet I wish for the day that I’ll get back into contact with old friends.

During the semester I try to focus all my energy on school but still end up wasting so many hours and stressing towards my deadlines.

I never really end up having the time to do things that I want like reading for pleasure, reading blog posts from blogs I follow (I am so many months behind on all of them because I just gave up during the semester and I plan to read everything now), watching shows I enjoy, working out, practicing my drums, and enjoying myself with friends. I just stare at the computer screen for too long and make no progress on anything. And I hate this but I know I wont change myself after making this post.

I’ve made friends and lost contact with those people so rapidly because I don’t dedicate the time they deserve to me.

And in keeping with time, I worry too much about my future. I feel like I have to do so much right now in my life just to be able to give myself a bright future. I have to get internships and straight As or I wont be successful, or so it seems. But as time moves on, these things become harder to accomplish.

It is already 2016 and this year I will be turning 20. I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have almost already lived two full decades. I don’t ever remember sometimes that I turned 19 or that 2015 was as long as a year should be.

Time is just strange to me. And as you can tell by how jumbled and short my statements are, I can’t even fully analyze my thoughts on time. It just flies by, for better or worse, and you can never turn back. A quote I’ve heard many times is “This moment is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” It’s amazing how true that quote is.

I’m looking back on my post that I made at the end of 2014 about goals I wanted to achieve during 2015. Since I have been a ghost for the most part of 2015 I guess I’ll tell you all what I accomplished and what I didn’t. I finally did get a medal in cross country. I was so happy that day that for the first time that I can remember I had legit tears of happiness in my eyes. I have improved my GPA. It’s not awesome like I had hoped for but I am up to a 3.35 now, so I am still in the honors program. I have improved my writing somewhat thanks to the first half of a two semester course that I am taking that is training me to be a tutor in the writing center at my school. You probably can’t tell though from my blogs because I just free write here and I always see mistakes only after hitting publish. I read some books, but nowhere nearly enough to where I want to be. I do use a website called Goodreads to keep track of my books and all that I want to read. Socialize more? I think I did the same amount as I usually do (maybe slightly more but I am often found in my hobbit hole aka room). Leave my comfort zone more? I did try new things, whether it be food or whatnot, but no where near enough. I’m just permanently stuck inside my bubble of comfort. Everything else I planned for 2015 was basically a bust. Like I said before, I am terrible at time management and I never get around to what I want to do. I just do things that temporarily bring me joy.

In 2015 though I did get a new job (and finally left the library after four years), I met so many new people, and I had fun. I’ve heard many people (via shared facebook posts of tumblr posts) claim that 2015 was a terrible year and I disagree. While it wasn’t the best year in my life, I can’t say it was the worst. I still have so much time ahead of me and I just wish I knew how to make the most of it.

I really don’t have too much else to say. I just wanted you all to know that I am still alive and well. Posts will still be coming, as infrequently as they do. And I hope that you all make the best of the time you have laid out for you.

Your friend,
For all of time

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